Butterfly Cauldron

OK, here's the thing -- while I'm pretty damned happy with my body
myself and think I'm kinda cute, I always assume other people only see
me as this fat girl. Funny, sure. Smart, sure. Best friend even, sure.
But more? Girlfriend? Lover? Nah. Just not their type, is all. Because
of, ya know, the fatness.

Now, my brain knows this is not true. My brain knows I've had lovers
(and hey! lately my body remembers it too). It knows I've been deeply
in love and been loved in return. It knows that the size of my body is
not an impediment to these things. And I genuinely believe that, but
still.....there's that crazy fear that rears its stupid, crazy,
fear-head. I want a hammer to bash it in, but it hides like those
crazy moles in Wack-A-Mole. Grr.

So, I've been talking to this guy online for a bit (I'm a geek. I meet
all my guys online, it seems) and we've been getting along, it seems
nice, etc. etc. He sends me a picture, he's kinda cute. And then he
wants my picture too. Panic. It's going so well! When he sees the
picture, he'll run away, blahblahblah. Panicpanicpanic. So, I put him
off for a day or two, steeling myself up for it. Knowing, just
knowing, he'll flee. So, I sent him the picture this morning. And got
a response back from him pretty damned quick.

The specific contents of said email I will keep to myself. Ahem. But
he thinks I'm quite sexy and included a nice list of things he'd like
me to do to him. Ahem.

So....why was I so freaked out? Why was I so incredibly certain I'd be
rejected? I mean, I have never in my life been a small girl. Never.
And that's not stopped me from having relationships. But it just gnaws
at me, that sense of insecurity. That once s/he knows what I look
like....it'll be over.

So, anyway, because I've decided I've had enough of this shit, I
posted a picture of myself on my blog for anyone to see. (Which can be found one post down!) Kinda scary,
but what's the worst that can happen? Trolls tell me I'm fat? (No?
Really???) I'm working on just being more out-there with things. I
mean, if I can own up to bisexuality and goddess worship, what's a
little "here's what I look like"? If we're going to smash society's
expectations of what women can and should look like, we can't exactly
be hiding in the closet, can we?

(BTW, this Boy is all of 22. Seriously, I've been dating in the wrong age-range!)

Labels: fat, feminism, men

In honor of National Coming Out Day (what? You didn't know that was today? Shame on you!), I've decided to come out of the closet. The Anonymous blogger closet, that is. (Like anyone whose read a fraction of this blog is unaware of my bisexuality. Please. So that coming out has been and gone.)

Why? Well, the reason I was anonymous to begin with was because I was working out some stuff and wanted to do it on a blog where no one knew me. So, instead of my Livejournal, I started this little spot. I was wanting to talk about religion and sex and other stuff, without the people who knew me in RL knowing what I was doing. And I was also working for a company that would have fired my ass for blogging something that would make the company look bad. (Gannett is the DEVIL. Gannett is Satan's Handmaiden and is destroying journalism. Corporate media is BAD!!!!!)

Ahem.

Well, I no longer work for the Devil and I've worked through the crap I wanted to work through. Plus, now I have a Civil Service job that affords me lots of protection, so my job is pretty damned safe. I can't go around endorsing or harpooning any political candidates/parties, but other than that? I'm pretty much covered. (But I can still take positions on issues, so we're all good.)

And frankly, I'm going to be 33 next year. If someone has a problem with my faith or my sexuality, they can go fuck themselves. I'm an adult, this is America and you can just deal.

So, why should I stay anonymous? If people give me too much shit, I'll just blow this place up and start a new blog. *shrug* And so, I give you....Moi:



Admittedly, not the best photo I've ever taken and my hair is currently longer, darker and I have new glasses, but....that would be me, in all my glory. Gaze upon me and drool, for I know you want to.

Labels: bisexuality, body acceptance, fat, fun, pagan

SHOCKING NEWS!!

Study links women's obesity, birth defects risk! Blame it on the fat! Shame, shame, shame on you fat women. Daring to be mothers. The nerve. Don't you know you're not worth fucking, much less knocking up? Ha.

Ahem.

Okay, basically this article says that obese women (Which, again, they don't define. What does that mean, anyway?) have a higher risk of giving birth to babies with birth defects. About a whole whopping one percent greater chance. Now, I'm not really a statistician, but isn't that, oh, not a significant difference? Couldn't a variation that small be a quirk of the study? Isn't that basically the same risk as non-obese women?

"Obese women should not be overly alarmed by these findings because their absolute risk of having a child with a birth defect is low, and the cause of the majority of birth defects is unknown," said University of Texas researcher Kim Waller, the study's lead author.

Still, the results underline yet another reason for women to maintain a healthy weight, Waller said.

Gah! We don't know why most birth defects happen, and really, you're not that likely to have a baby with a defect anyway, but you know, you really shouldn't be fat anyway even though we have absolutely no evidence that being fat, by itself, is in anyway dangerous to your developing fetus. But really, don't be fat, okay?

Reasons for the potential link between obesity and birth defects are unclear, Waller said. It's possible that some women had undiagnosed diabetes, which also is linked to birth defects, she said.

While the study didn't examine weight during pregnancy, it's also possible that some women tried potentially dangerous weight-loss techniques right before conception or during early pregnancy, when most birth defects occur, the researcher said.

She urged obese pregnant women, however, not to try diet pills, fasting or other aggressive methods which also might contribute to risks for birth defects.

Let's parse that out, shall we? It's not the fat that seems to be responsible for the very tiny, non-significant increase in defective babies. It's undiagnosed diabetes -- which is bad for the woman, too. Again, it's not the fat, it's the disease. (Which should be caught, if there's pre-natal care. Testing for gestational diabetes is standard. If you don't have healthcare, however. . .) What else is bad? Oh! Trying to lose weight! That's right, those crazy Grapefruit Juice and Exlax diets could do the baby in. It could also fuck up the mother, but let's not mention that.

I recommend no one try diet pills or fasts or aggressive weight loss methods, pregnant or not. Those pills seriously raise your blood pressure, fasting messes up your metabolism and agression is only useful in the boardroom and the bedroom.

So, to recap: One study suggests that a very small, in-any-other-study-not-worth-mentioning percentage of obese women are more likely to give birth to babies with birth defects. But, the study doesn't suggest it's being fat that caused it. It's more likely to be an undiagnosed illness or crazy diet plans. But don't be fat. I mean, it's even in the headline, for gods sake!

Labels: fat, medical care, outrage, stupid people

That's about all I can say, after reading this story.

If you're fat, we're going to charge you more for your insurance! Take that bitches! That's right, just because you don't have a BMI under 29, you've got to pay more for your health care! Whoohooo!

Seriously, this article has raised my blood pressure by about oh, 10 points. (Oh no! That means I'll have to pay more for that too! That's right. If you're fat, have high blood pressure or your cholesterol doesn't meet the damn company's standard, you have to pay MORE for your heath insurance.)

And why are they doing this? Because the cost of health care in general keeps going up.

Employers are getting serious about penalizing workers "because they've run out of other options" said Joe Marlowe, senior vice president at Aon Consulting, a national benefits consulting firm.

Really? No other options? How about going after the goddamn insurance companies who value profit over service? Hmm? How about that? How about pushing for (wait for it. . .) National Health Care???? What a concept!

So, they're upping premiums and deductables. And not by a little. Nooooo...those deductibles are fucking DOUBLING! (Or worse) You know why their claims have gone down? Because people now have a fucking $5000 deductible, that's why! I'm at my doctor's office all the fucking time and even I can't meet a $5000 deductible. Geez.

And I just love how the employees react to these increases:

"At first, I was mad when I thought I would be charged $30 for being overweight," said Courtney Jackson, 28, a customer service representative at Clarian. "But when I found out it was going to be broken into segments — like just $10 for being overweight — it sounded better."

Jackson said she was going to try to slim down before the plan took effect. "If I still have weight to lose when it starts," she said, "I'll deserve to pay the $10."

Yes. That's right. If you can't force your body into an unnatural, permenant, semi-starvation state, you deserve to pay more for your insurance. (And yes, $10 isn't much. But when you put it all together -- $10 twice a month, for 12 months, that's $240 more a year for being overweight. And then if you also have high blood pressure, that's another $240 a year. And if you're cholesteral is a bit high, another $240. . .hell, if some random study comes out saying that fucking green eyes are linked to a .01 percent increase in the chance you'll develop Scurvy, they'll charge for that too!)

Not everyone is on board with this, of course. Thank the gods.

Lewis Maltby, president of the National Workrights Institute, a Princeton, N.J.-based employee rights group, called the trend "a very dangerous road that could lead to employers controlling everything we do in our private lives."

"To penalize for things that are beyond some people's control is just wrong," Maltby said. "Some people are fat because that's how God made them."

Can you say lawsuit? I thought you could.

Still, some lawyers say weight-based compensation plans may run afoul of other employment laws.

"A key protection in the Americans with Disabilities Act is that employers can't discriminate against employees based on their health status," said J.D. Piro, a principal at Hewitt Associates' healthcare law group. "This is a fight that's likely going to be dealt with in the courts."

Exactly. Because I'd file a lawsuit in a heart beat. Why? Because this is illegal, that's why. It's illegal and it's giving the companies way too much fucking power. It was bad enough when people started refusing to hire (or fired!) people who smoke, now we've come to this? How long before people who have more than one sex partner a year are penalized? Or how about people who don't use birth control? Or maybe people who like to hang-glide on vacation? People who paint? Some of those chemicals can be dangerous, you know. And raising a child puts you at increased risk of contracting the diseases they bring home from playgroup. And if you're a woman, living with or dating a man puts you at increased risk of domestic violence, so we should charge more for that. Oh! Pets, they have ticks and fleas and those carry dieseases. Do you get your home regularly fumigated? Rats carry the Plague! But of course, the chemicals they use can damage you too, so we'll charge for that too....where will it end? It won't, that's where. Not until our lives are regulated and controlled by the fucking insurance companies. Gah.

Brittney Manning, 29, a patient advocate at Clarian Health's Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis, said many employees were taken aback when the plan was announced last month. But she approves.

"I think it's fair for people to pay according to what their healthcare costs are," she said. She doesn't expect to have to pay the higher fee because she says her weight is normal.

In Arkansas, Deeann Gutekunst, 42, a Benton County deputy treasurer, said she understood the rationale for the county's policy.

"If you have employees who don't care about their health," she said, "what else are you supposed to do?"

Weight does NOT equal health. When the hell will people get this through their head?? And, excuse me, but when more than half of Americans are 'overweight or obese', when are we going to stop calling people who weight less normal? Huh? I mean, I'm not a math genius, but when at least half of your population weights more than 'normal' maybe it's time to recalculate normal, mmm?

Labels: fat, outrage, stupid people, work

Archeologist have found the mummy of Hatshepsut, cross-dressing, ass-kicking, monument building female ruler of Egypt. And how do they describe the mummy?

The mummy of an obese woman, who likely suffered from diabetes and liver cancer, has been identified as that of Queen Hatshepsut, Egypt's most powerful female pharoah, Egyptian archaeologists said Wednesday.

ARG!!! Mummy's cannot be obese! They are bone, wrapping and some pretty sparklies! They don't even contain all of the original organs!

And why do they think she had diabetes? I hope to Isis they have some actual evidence to back that up, even though the story doesn't say that. Or do they think, because she was a fat woman that she HAD to have had diabetes? Seriously?

But, you know what? I hope she WAS fat. I hope she was huge. Make her 400 lbs or more! Why? Because that fat woman ruled the fucking-known-world, that's why. She built monuments, she had lovers, she was worshiped as a fricking god. Hmp.

(And frankly, I think they put in the fact that the mummy was obese because, what? A fat woman doing all that? Huh? What? But but...that's impossible! Fuckers.)

Labels: fat, history

I've been collecting these with the intent to blog them all. I'm just really tired and going to dump them all in one. Enjoy.

Obesity Surgery -- Now OK For Kids as Young as 12! Because fat kids need the pressure of doctor's trying to amputate part of their stomach.

There ARE Limits!At last, the FDA rejects a weight loss drug! While it's okay if they make you crap your pants, making you want to kill yourself? Not so much. Although, frankly, I think the fact that this was a non-American company might have had more to do with it. Watch for: an American company peddling the same thing with a different name.

Because fat women dying is funny When you find a fat woman having a heart attack, the proper response is to a) take her to the hospital or b) say she's too big to move and laugh while she dies.

Move for Gods sake! All us fat girls, who just sit around eating bonbons and drinking sugar water all day. If we'd only move! You know, do the dishes or something. . .

Labels: fat, medical care

Since the Femiblogsphere has been driving me crazy lately, what with the Same Old, Same Old, Hair, Makeup and Marriage Last Name thing, I've been loathe to address it. Or blog about it. I read it, but I just think. . .gods, who has the energy? And then with the post Kim put up, what with the real women in real trouble bit, I'm just fed up. Seriously. If I wasn't already a feminist, I'd never become one, not in this toxic atmo. I'm understanding why so many woman don't want the name applied to them. Oy.

So, I've spent a lot of my time reading the Fat Acceptance blogs lately. And that's got me thinking about my own body, being as how it's a big fat one. I'm in love with this sundress I've found at The Avenue. It's gorgeous, it looks amazing on me and it's currently on sale. I want it. Desparately. And I don't want dresses, in general. But I want this one.

And it shows off my arms. Now, the fact of the matter is that my upper arms are not, exactly, shapely. In fact, it's not inaccurate to compare them to tiny little wings, albeit wings that will not allow me to fly. (Although, I'm thinking if any one remarks upon them, I'm gonna tell them I'm growing them out so I can fly and save on gas.) Here's the thing -- I don 't care. I genuinely do not care that I have fat arms. They're just arms. They do what I need them to do. So, they're flabby. So what? I wear tank-tops and sleeveless shirts all the time in the summer. Because it's frigging hot. It's not July yet and we've already broken records down here. It's been almost 100 fucking degrees. You know what's hot in that kinda weather? Sleeves!

So, as soon as the store opens today, I'm going to see if my dress is still there. And I'm going to buy it and wear it to work tomorrow. And I will look fricking awesome, because I'm going to feel fricking awesome. And cool. And yes, there will be people who will look at my big, fat arms and wonder how the hell I can go out in public like that. And you know what? Fuck 'em. If my fat wingy arms offend you, look somewhere else. If you're ashamed of your own fat arms, I'm sorry. But that's your problem, not mine. Don't project.

I mean, I'm shaving my pits AND my legs to wear this dress. Frankly, that's enough effort on my part. And maybe, if some other fat girl sees me out wearing my awesome new dress with my fat arms, they'll decide they can do it too. And then we can all be cool and not sweating to death together.

Labels: fashion, fat

Bear with me, I'm feeling introspective.

I started this year off with a request. I asked the Universe to help me become more at ease with my body and the pleasure it can bring me. I've spent the last six or seven years getting acquainted with the pain my body can bring me. I wanted this year to be different. So, I requested that the Universe send me people who would help me do that, help me get in touch with the joy my body can bring me and to help me accept it, regardless of what shape that help too. I'm generally pretty damned picky, wanting partners to be 'just so', dismissing people out of hand. Oh, I can't go out with him, he's too XXX or she's too YYY. I tend to think myself out of things and in doing that, I deny myself a great many experiences. So, this year, it's going to be different.

And, low and behold, the Universe listened. She sent me The Boy and made him very insistant, even when I tried to pull my usual number and ignore what I was being sent. So, I finally give in and just go with it. And it's been lovely. It reallly has, although I'm not seeing a longterm relationship here. But then again, who knows? I've been wrong before.

So, what's my problem? Even when he's touching me, there's this little voice in the back of my head wondering how he can stand it. How can he stand looking at my naked body? It's not beautiful. It's not even close to 'normal'. It's fat and ugly. At least, that's the voice in my head. I don't really believe that, I think. At least, I don't most of the time. Most of the time, I'm certain I'm adorable and desirable and deserving of love and pleasure. And yet, when I'm naked . . . In my head, I keep asking the question. How can you stand this? Don't you think you could do better?

And I want to cry, because I can't stand that I think of myself that way. And I know it's in my head, that it's all me. None of the men I've ever been with has so much as suggested that I needed to lose weight. Even when I'd gained a good 50 lbs., my Ex couldn't stop touching me. He never stopped telling me he thought I was beautiful and it was clear he thought I was desirable. And The Boy? He's so sweet. He seems shocked that I want him. And I don't understand that. Because. . .I don't know why he wants me.

See, I can understand why someone would love me. That's not the issue. I just don't know why anyone would desire me. How awful is that? Confident in my ability to inspire love, but not lust. *sigh* Which is stupid, because clearly, I've been inspiring at least one man of late. (Not that this stupidity is stopping me from enjoying him. Hell no. I'm messed up, but I'm not stupid.)

And then, I wonder, do all women feel that way, regardless of their size? Are we all struck dumb when someone expresses desire for us? Or is it easy for others? Because, if you ask me about anything else, I'm totally sure of myself. But in this one area? I just. . .I know I deserve to be loved and wanted and desired. I just can't understand why anyone would want that. And so, my brain, it hurts.

Labels: fat, sadness, sex

Anyone who is even the slightest bit overweight has had to deal with a doctor who was 'concerned' about their weight. It's a rite of passage, I think. Or a plot by Big Pharma to make us all insane. Those of us who are more than slightly overweight get used to it. I'm very lucky, in that my new doctor is open to discussing weight loss if I choose, but she isn't pressing the issue and is really interested in treating the symptoms I bring to her. But I've dealt this them before. The one doctor who told me that I was just in pain because I was stressed and needed to lose weight. Who tried to get me to spend thousands on Chinese herbs that would make me lose weight. Who put me on Prozac, but refused to do any tests to find out if there was actually an illness causing my symptoms. And gods know, my Aunt Vickie paid for being sick and ill with her life. She died from shame, although the physical cause was a stroke. She wouldn't go see a doctor because she was fat and she knew it would be an issue. So she died at 42 of a disease (Hugh's Syndrome, an autoimmune disease that she'd had for years which had weakened her blood vessels to the point that they failed) that could have been controlled with a simple aspirin a day.

So when I read this story I am not at all surprised. A naturally chubby girl starts gaining weight rapidly. She goes to doctors, gets told she needs to lose weight. She goes to more doctors, she gets told to accept that she's fat and that's all and she needs to lose weight. Doctor after doctor after doctor tell her the same thing. And the whole time, she's got a cyst growing inside her, swelling to the size of a frigging beach ball. And her health fails, not because she's fat, but because there was a foreign object growing inside her, pressing on organs and muscle and joints and ultimately rendering her unable to walk normally. And she's just fat, that's all. Except she's not.

How many years did she live like this? How much did she suffer because the medical establishment didn't take her seriously? Because all they saw was a fat woman? And how easy was it to figure out? A simple, painless ultrasound would have discovered this cyst while it was small and it could have been removed and she'd have had her life, but no. No. Instead, her life is taken over, she's shamed and humiliated by the people she goes to for help and for what?

She grew larger and larger, and the weight damaged Hilton's quality of life and contributed to the failure of a marriage. Still, doctors told Hilton she had better accept the fact that she was just fat and change her ways.

She's just fat. Only, she wasn't. And if one single doctor hadn't taken her seriously, she'd still be trapped in that body, still enslaved to a cyst that could have been removed -- much safer -- when it was mere millimeters long.

Labels: fat, medical care, outrage

A bit of fat-positive news for a change, from MSNBC.com. A new study has shown that fat women can improve their health without loosing weight! Stunning, ain't it? Now, I'm not so pleased about the whole 'health needs improving' bit, but at least it's not the typical "If you don't lose weight you will DIEDIEDIEDIE!"

Entire article can be found here. Select quotes:

. . .lifestyle changes including exercise programs such as tai chi, aqua aerobics and circuit training, coupled with behavior modification, can improve health risks in obese women even if they do not lose significant amounts of weight.

“People of all sizes and shapes can reduce their risk of poor health by adopting a healthier lifestyle,” Dr Erika Borkoles, of Leeds Metropolitan University in England, told a news conference.

Perfectly sensible. A good diet, moderate exercise, keeping control of stress levels -- all things everyone needs to do to be healthy, regardless of size. And the activites they suggest are fairly simple. No mention of exercising for an hour a day, every day as so often gets tossed about.

Although the average weight loss was small, from 239 lbs. to 233.7 lbs., after a year on the program, the women showed improvements in their self image, were fitter and less stressed.

“Psychological and physical health improved independent of substantial weight loss,” said Borkoles, adding that weight is a poor predictor of health.

Wait, what was that? A doctor saying that weight does not indicate health? Really? In print? Quick, someone give this Doc a place to hide before the fat-bashers hear!!

I'm pleased to see the medical community, in even a small way, acknowledging what has been shown to be true -- that it's not fat that's unhealthy. Living a sedentary, do-nothing life filled with stress is dangerous. But get the right stuff in your diet, get yourself a little active, have some friends and hobbies to curb the stress and look! Healthy and fat. What a concept.

Labels: fat, health

s/he would have to die. Slowly and painfully.

This is a site put up by a guy about his wife -- who has gained a good bit of weight since they met. Why? Oh, because he wanted the opinions of other people as to whether she was too fat or not. No, seriously. Is my girlfriend too fat? She was a size four when we meet but now she's in the double digits! *whine*.

No word on if she even knows he's doing this, but I can't imagine someone...hell, actually. I can imagine someone (a man, of course) doing this and not thinking about how it would make her feel if she found out. (Insert standard disclaimer about not all men being this shitty here.)

And the comments! Gah. As a big girl (actually one not so far from Angela's size, it seems. Though quite a bit taller, I'm guessing), I'm almost as skivved by the Feeders comments as I am the Ew! Fat! people. It kinda freaks me out to think that my body is someone's kink. Because as comfortable as I am being a big girl, I do NOT want the attention of someone who only wants to be with me so they can feed me and get me fatter. If my weight naturally goes up over time, fine, but to intentionally alter your partner's body? Uh. No. That would be like me insisting my partner's got their nipples pierced or body covered in tattoes because I happen to think that's hot. Or insisting my man wear eyeliner out in public because it turns me on. If that's not his thing, well you know, you just deal.

I can understand being...unsettled...by drastic changes in your partner's body. I imagine, if I was with someone who lost a lot of weight or who lost and arm or eye or something, I'd feel a bit strange about it at first too. That's pretty normal. However, I don't understand putting up a fucking website for other people to throw daggers at them! Come on, did he expect people to not make the sort of comments they're making? (And frankly, what sort of person not only makes such a site, but leaves it up after seeing the hatred spewed at someone they claim to love?)

Doesn't marriage mean more than that, though? Isn't the point that you love and want to make a life with that person, regardless of their body/health/finances/whatever? Sure, there are some things that are non-negotiable, but something like weight? I don't get it. So long as there are not health problems, what's a bit more padding?

I mean, if I were in love with someone and committed my life to them, having them gain 50+ pounds wouldn't really change anything. Hell, I've easily gained that much during a bout of steroids, so I know how easy it is to put on pounds and how hard it can be to take them back off. And in the end, you don't marry a person for their body, for Gods sake. And if you do, it would be a favor to your spouse for you to leave them, so they can find someone who geniunely values them.

(And, I must be honest, I think that final picture of Angela in the black undies is incredibly beautiful.)

Labels: fat, outrage

So, I've seen this photo a few times this week around the blogosphere. I thought the model was pretty, looked good and was glad she was included in a major runway show. I don't follow fashion, so I don't know a damn thing about the designer, etc. Mostly, it was just something that caught my eye, I appreciated it and moved on.

Well. Over at Feministing it got posted with some questions about what the designer intended by putting her in his otherwise thin-model show. No big deal there, for me, at least. Seems something worth discussing, even if I don't follow fashion.

And then I got to comments. And started to get pissed off.

It devoled quickly from addressing the topic at hand to remarks like "this model does not look good in those clothes" to "no one wants to see this" to "this woman is morbidly obese". She was called not normal, extremely large, couldn't be healthy and fit. There's one poster there who is convinced, completely, that obesity is a horrible, horrible disease and will kill all us fat girls one day.

A few people came in and spoke, for which I'm grateful, but -- again with women bashing women! What the hell? It's not bad enough we all have to live in this society where we're generally undervalued, we have to put up with comments like this from other women?

No one wants to see women like this? Then tell me how this woman is a professional model. (Living in Paris, not America, of course.) If no one wanted to see her, how would she be making a living? No one wants to see a size 20? Have you ever taken a quick skim of all the Plus-Size Porn sites? Not only to people want to see women who look like her, in sexy clothing, they're willing to pay to see them in a great deal less. (Not that I suggest basing your worth or body image on porn, but the fact remains that there is a market for fat porn and there wouldn't be if it were true no one found fat bodies sexually attractive.)

Again with this stupidity! How does my (or any other) fat body affect you? Seriously? I mean, you can't catch it. If you don't want to look, don't look. I don't expect everyone to find me attractive or want to have sex with me or whatever. But I do expect to be able to enter a discussion with people who are supposed to be my fucking allies and not be so offended I leave. I do expect a little respect. I do expect to be able to have a discussion that doesn't devolve into "yes, but fat is unhealthy. My fill-in-family-member has X disease because s/he is fat." No. You relative has X disease for whatever actually causes that disease. Their extra weight may not be helping their health, but it did not, on it's own with no other factors, cause that disease. There is not a single illness that has been proven to be caused by fat. Ever. Why? Because being fat doesn't make you sick! If it did, with our 'obesity crisis' in this country, we should all be dropping dead at alarming rates. And we're not. We're living longer. Because being fat, by itself, isn't going to kill you. Or make you sick.

I'm just really fed up with the fat bashing I've seen lately. There's this post, then there was fucking Dennis Miller on The Daily Show a few nights ago who spent the whole segment making cracks about fat people. I mean, it's the fucking Daily Show! You'd think Miller of all people would have something better to talk about than how fat people are worth mocking. You know, like all that political and religious shit he didn't got to talk about on Katie Couric's show? But noo...let's talk about the fatties!

So you know what? Leave us the fuck alone, really. Especially you people who are supposed to be our feminist/progressive allies. If you don't understand how sizeism is just another form of social repression and control, you haven't been paying attention and I'm just too fucking tired of this shit to explain it to you. Again.

Labels: fat, feminism, stupid people

The subject of this article had such promise. What the hell is wrong with the way women's clothing is sized? It's insane. I never know what size I'm going to wear when I go to try on clothing. I have one store that I know I can go into to buy a bra off the rack and it will fit. I have an other store I go to if I want a good pair of blue jeans, because I have one brand that I can count on for size. If I want dress clothing or shirts? Another store or two. And what makes me crazy is that my pants size is TWO sizes smaller than my shirt size, even though I'm pretty evenly made all over. I've got a figure-eight figure -- like an hourglass, only more ample ;) And yet....I wear different sizes in different stores in different brands because there's no standard sizing in women's sizes. So, you know, good topic for an article.

But, of course, it soon devolves into "everyone wants to be skinny!!"

Ugh. Seriously. Ugh.

I don't want to be skinny. I don't even care what size the tag says. I just want to be able to go into a store, pull something off the shelf in that size and have it fit! Everywhere I go. At every damned store. I hate this guesswork!

Grr.

As any woman who tries on clothes frequently can attest, a 6 in one place can indeed be a 14 somewhere else — or an 8, a 10, or a 2. Which makes you wonder: Is there any logic to sizes, or are they just a random jumble of numbers?
The question might not matter, if the whole issue of size didn’t matter. But as the fashion industry has long known, a woman’s size certainly does matter — to her. Call it the psychology of size: We care deeply about the number on that tag, even though it’s likely no one else will see it, save the person manning the cash register. Perhaps no one else will know, but WE know, and that’s enough.
Just ask another Andy — Andy Steiner, a mother of two in St. Paul, Minn.
“I hate to admit it,” says Steiner, 38, “’cause I know size is just a number and I like to think I’m too smart — and feminist — to fall for that. But I certainly have a size I consider myself. Of course, I’ll buy smaller — and maybe one size bigger. But I’d never buy two sizes bigger. Way too depressing!”
Steiner recalls a particularly rash fashion decision three years ago, when she bought a pricey, too-short designer dress in hot pink, a color she dislikes. But it was a size 2, and she was literally flattered into buying it.
Not just the everyday shopper gets fooled. Suze Yalof Schwartz, executive editor-at-large for Glamour magazine, loves walking into a store and finding she’s a size lower. “It can make you feel fantastic,” she says. “It’s like stepping on a scale. It can make your day. Or, it can ruin your day.”
And that feeling, of course, will directly impact whether you make the purchase.

Okay, has anyone actually ever done that? Bought something they didn't like just because it was a smaller size than they usually get? Seriously?

“Designers know that nobody wants to be a big size,” says maternity designer Liz Lange. “Nobody wants to be more than a size 8 or a 10.” And she includes herself. “I can’t do it,” she says of buying a larger size. “I don’t want that thing in my closet!”
And yet vanity sizing doesn’t explain most of the disparity. The larger picture is that every designer uses their own silhouette, or “fit model,” based on their target audience, says Dan Butler of the National Retail Federation. There were once government guidelines for sizing, he says, but they were abandoned decades ago, and were never mandatory. Maybe that’s a good thing, says Yalof Schwartz: “Everyone would be depressed. I’d rather feel skinnier.”

Woooh. Hold back that disgust will ya? Shit, an 8 or a 10 is considered too big? What the hell? I haven't been a size 10 since I was 10! (No kidding that, I started developing waaay early. The smallest I remember being was a size 13....when I was 13. Oh, the joy of my "fat" childhood. I also happened to be getting close to 6 foot at the time, but somehow no one thought to tell me that my body was working out quite nicely and proportional. Nope, I was just the fat kid.)

Not every woman cares about size. Some are more like, well, men, who tend to be more pragmatic. “I think many men do care about what size their waist is,” says New Yorker James Cribbs. “However, I can’t imagine any of them would buy something they don’t like just because it fits. Why not move on until you find something that fits AND that you like?”
Sounds so sensible. It certainly would avoid tales like that of Steiner’s hot pink, “it-was-the-size-2-talking” purchase.
She wore the dress once, to a wedding, where she covered it with a shawl. “I wanted to pull out the size label and show people why I bought it,” she laughs. She ended up lending it to a friend, who also wore it once.
So did the friend like it?
“She was happy to be a size 2.”

Oh, of course. Why can't a woman be more like a man? Uh, because the idiot designers can't standardize their sizes and fucking society is telling us that a size 10 is obese? Maybe? You think? Goddamn, I hate this shit. Grrr.

(And a size 2? I realize there are people naturally that small, but come on! The only thing I think when I see someone that thin is how I desperately want to take her home and let my mother feed her!)

(Oh, btw, that gorgeous dress up there? (That I want, want want!) Can be found here at Zaftique. I adore their clothing and they all fit me! Whoohoo.)

Labels: clothing, fat

Maybe I'm lucky, or maybe I'm just odd, but I haven't really experienced the pressure to conform my appearance to social standards in ways most women seem too. Maybe it comes from the fact that I'm a fat girl and society has just given up on getting me to look the way it wants me to. Or maybe I've been getting pressured, but I just haven't noticed it. A few places I read have been talking about clothing/appearance choices lately (See here for example.) and it's got me thinking -- why do I choose to wear the things I wear? Why do I choose to style my hair like I do? To wear or not wear make-up? How much of it is my own free choice and how much of it is stuff I picked up from society?

When I was a little girl, my mother dressed me in pretty dresses (lots of yellow ones, for some reason) and shoes and barrettes and all the girly things that little girls are dressed in. I don't remember much of it, but there are pictures, so I know it is so. When I was old enough, I stopped wearing dressed. I don't like them. I don't like skirts, either. It's hard for me to move in them, it's hard for me to sit comfortably and I don't like the picture of me they present to the world at large. Part of that is because my mother wears dresses every Sunday and gets all prettied-up when she goes out and entertains. And, well, I had a decided need to rebel against my mother. But that was when I was a teenager. To this day, I don't wear dresses unless I have to. Why? Because I don't like them. I honestly don't. I don't feel comfortable in them, I don't like that it tells the world I'm a "girly" girl (because I'm so not). I don't like the expectation that I'm going to wear them, just because I'm female.

But mostly, it's comfort. I like the way pants feel. I like the way shorts feel, too. Even though the world wants to tell me I'm too fat to wear shorts, I don't care. They're comfortable. When it's hot, they're cool. I want to be cool and comfortable, not hot and cranky. Ergo, I wear shorts in the summer and pants to work. I don't think about if they make me look sexy. I don't think about if they'll make people look at me. I just think I want to be comfortable.

Some of that comes, I think, from growing up on a farm. There was a lot of work to do and you might as well be comfortable doing it. I also prefer to go barefoot. Because that feels better to me. I like the feeling of the grass or the rock or the dirt under my feet. The first thing I do, every day, when I get home from work, it take off my shoes. And the shoes I do wear are very specific -- sandals in the summer, boots in the winter. I don't wear tennis shoes or jogging shoes and I absolutely, never, ever wear heels. I cannot walk in heels, they make my feet hurt and why would I do that to myself?

I like bright colors and soft fabrics. I like funky patterns and interesting jewelry. I hate mainstream fashion, partially because none of it is made for a body like mine and partially because, aethetically, I find it displeasing. But where do those preferences come from?

I think what I'm asking is, the portion of our choices made because we simply like something, how much is that influenced by where we come from? If I hadn't grown up on a farm or had a mother who is stereotypically feminine, would I still have the same preferences I have? If I had grown up in a city and had a mother who eshewed 'girly' things, would I still prefer a bohemian look? Or would I be one of those women who wears heels and hose and make-up everyday?

I'm not making any judgements on what any woman wears, by the way. I'm assuming, at least on some level, that she dresses the way she dresses because she's getting something out of it. Maybe she enjoys it, maybe she's using it to send certain messages, maybe she's dressing to get ahead in her career. Who knows? I certainly don't, no more than she knows why I dress like I do. I'm just wonder if society, in general, has as big an impact on our clothing/appearance choices as some bloggers suggest. I'm not doubting it has an impact, but I'm wondering if maybe our family of origin has the bigger influence.

Labels: clothing, fat, feminism

So, there's a new study out that shows conclusively that being fat does indeed lead to an earlier death. Seriously. If you're fat, you're going to die earlier, we swear, so you know, diet already. And when I read the wire story at work yesterday I was a bit...uncomfortable. Not because I believed it, but because I knew a lot of people would. So, when I found Paul Campos' piece on just how those results were arrived at I had to post it. Because I'm sick of being told I'm going to die because I'm fat. Listen, we're all going to die. Why? Because we're alive and living things die. Period. We don't know when and we don't know how, but it's going to happen. The point is to live a life you enjoy while you've got the time. I'd rather live to be 75 a happy fat woman than live to be 80 a miserable, calorie-counting, food-obsessed not-so-fat person. It's a matter of quality, not quantity. Even though, the research still shows being fat won't kill you. Idiots. And so, Paul Campos on how they tormented the study to say what they wanted it to say:

Confessions extracted under torture are notoriously unreliable. A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine illustrates this point well.

The study analyzes the relationship between weight and mortality risk. In particular, it tries to determine whether being “overweight” (this is currently defined by our public health authorities as 146 to 174 pounds for an average height woman, and 174 to 208 pounds for an average height man) is associated with an increased risk of death.

This is an especially controversial issue for two reasons. First, most Americans who the government claims weigh too much are in this “overweight” category. Second, many studies find either that there is no increased mortality risk associated with being “overweight,” or indeed that the risk of death among the so-called “overweight” is actually lower than among so-called “normal weight” individuals.

In particular, a 2005 study led by CDC researcher Katherine Flegal found 86,000 excess deaths per year in the United States among “normal weight” people, when comparing their mortality risk to that of so-called “overweight” persons. Because of the current panic over fat, this study caused quite a furor, even though its findings were consistent with many other investigations of the same issue.

It seems the authors of the new study in the New England Journal of Medicine were determined to refute Flegal’s findings — even if they had to subject their data to techniques that violate the scientific equivalent of the Geneva Convention.
The researchers collected data from 527,265 AARP members, who were followed for ten years. What they found was exactly the same result reported by Flegal and her colleagues: Among both men and women, “overweight” people had the lowest mortality risk. This result, however, was clearly unacceptable. So they began torturing their data.

First, they threw out any subjects who had ever smoked. The justification for doing so in studies exploring the relationship between weight and health is that some people smoke to remain thin, so increased health risk among thin people may be a product of smoking rather than thinness. (In fact, in this study the percentage of “normal weight” people who had never smoked was higher than the percentage of “overweight” and “obese” never-smokers, but never mind.)

Yet even after limiting their analysis to never-smokers, the authors found no increased mortality risk among the “overweight” when compared to so-called “normal weight” people. So they then engaged in the methodological equivalent of waterboarding. Bizarrely, rather than using the weights of the subjects at the time they entered the study, the authors asked the subjects what they had weighed at age 50, and used this weight instead (all the subjects were over 50 at the study’s start, and some were as old as 71; 40 percent did not even respond to the question about what they weighed at age 50, which says something about the reliability of the responses the authors did get).

This, at last, produced a (modest) increase in mortality risk associated with “overweight,” thus allowing the authors to draw their conclusion that “overweight is associated with an increased risk of death.”

But notice how this result was produced. Since the “overweight” people in the study still had the lowest death risk — even after the authors tossed out 70 percent of their subject pool by limiting their analysis to never-smokers — the study found “overweight” associated with an increased risk of death only among a particular subgroup: people who had been “overweight” at age 50, but were at a “normal weight” when they later entered the study.

In other words, what the study really found is that for middle-aged “overweight” people weight loss increases the risk of death significantly! (This, by the way, is a very common finding in studies of this sort.)

The authors, needless to say, fail to note this awkward fact, which does not merely contradict, but actually inverts, the public health message their study is intended to bolster. Will journalists covering the study manage to figure this out on their own? Fat chance.

Labels: fat, health, lies

Today's Round 2 in the Obesity Wars -- children whose mothers diet regularly develop poor body image.

To which I say -- Duh.

As obesity rates climb among children, health officials are warning parents about the dangers of junk food and lack of exercise. Yet few speak about parents who meticulously count every calorie that crosses their lips.

That type of obsession can be just as destructive and eventually teaches kids to weigh their self-worth on the scale, said Christine Gerbstadt, spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association.

While fathers also play a crucial a role in shaping children’s attitudes about food, research has focused primarily on women and their daughters, since females are more likely to diet and worry about body image.

(And yeah! Let's blame women! Whoohoo!! Because girls and women have so many pluses in this society, what harm could it do to blame them for their own body issues? It's not the fault of society or airbrushed magazines or a patriarchy that discourages girls to be physically active and assertive. Nope. It's all mom's fault.)

I'm actually surprised this required a study to figure out. Most of the fat people I know had parents who compulsively dieted. And put them on diets. And forced them to exercise. And counted calories. And give the a Look when they were fixing their plates. Oh yeah.

I, unhappily enough, was one of them. My mother has, as long as I can remember, been fixated on losing weight. She's 52 years old and I can't remember a single span of time when she hasn't been on a diet. And she's not that big! Sure, by society's standards she is, but for gods sake, she's only a size 18.

I remember my mother dragging my brother and me into the living room to exercise with her. Neither of us wanted to. I couldn't stand it. I would get so very angry. I'd be reading or writing or playing with my cats and suddenly, it's time to go exercise. Now, part of that was my mother didn't want to exercise alone. The bigger part was that she didn't want us to get fat.

Well, too bad. Both of us are quite corpulant. I don't know how my brother feels about his body, but I'm quite happy with mine, thank you very much.

I remember resenting the restrictions put on food and the push to exercise. I remember being so very pissed off. What was wrong with my body? I didn't have any problems with it! But no, there was always something wrong with it, according to someone. It was bad enough that my peers were calling me fat, but to have my own family suggest it? My mother never actually said it, but she made it clear in other ways.

She was afraid, always, that she'd (or me!) would get as big as her sister. My Aunt Vickie was a very large woman. Actually, she and I were probably the same size, but I'm 5'10 and she was 5' even. Which makes a huge amount of difference in appearance. My mother loved her sister so much, but she was always....it was clear that being Aunt Vickie's size was Not Good.

Even my Aunt didn't like her size. And, in this instance, I can understand why. Because she was so short, her size made getting around easily difficult for her. So, I get that, for her, her weight was causing some problems. But for me? Eh. I've never really been bothered.

My mother doesn't understand that. I really think she wants to, but she just can't.

The really messed up part? I wasn't overweight when I was younger. I was big, sure, but that's because my family is all big. Genetically, I'm destined to be large. Cool. I'm big and I'm tall. I look at my teenage photos and I'm a fricking Amazon. I was tall and strong and imposing and no one could see it. To this day, it pisses me off. I want a time machine so I can go back and give that girl my current attitude. I want to tell her that she really is as amazing as she thinks she is, that she really is as capable as she believes she is, that her body is a blessing, not a curse. That people are going to love her, they are going to love her body, they're going to celebrate it. I want to tell her to celebrate it like she wants to.

It's almost enough to make me want to have a child, so I can contribute to changing the future.

Labels: diet, fat, parents

This is getting ridiculous. As any fat person knows, we're ground zero in the so-called Obesity Crisis (although, I must say, my fat has never caused me any panic). But generally, society waits until we're able to walk before telling us to lose weight. Alas, those days are over. Not even babies get to be fat anymore.

“The obesity epidemic has spared no age group, even our youngest children,” said Dr. Matthew Gillman, senior author of the study published Thursday in the journal Obesity and an associate professor at Harvard Medical School.

. . .

Infants from birth to 6 months of age had the greatest jump in the risk of becoming overweight of any age group, with the number of overweight infants increasing by 74 percent.

. . .

“These results show that efforts to prevent obesity must start at the earliest stages of human development, even before birth,” Gillman said.

“These efforts include avoiding smoking and excessive weight gain during pregnancy, preventing gestational diabetes, and promoting breast-feeding, all of which researchers have shown to be associated with reductions in the incidence of children being overweight,” he added.

Wait. I'm sorry. Not even fetuses get to be fat anymore. My bad.

I'm almost speechless, but...come on. Seriously? We're having fatter babies? You think maybe that could have something to do with improved pre-natal care? With pregnant women getting good nutrition? Maybe a natural evolution toward bigger people in general?

And, while I'm all for people not smoking in general, aren't pregnant women generally told not to smoke because it contributes to lower birth weights? So, if that makes babies smaller, how does it also make them fatter? Which is it?

And frankly, if babies and children are getting fatter, so what? Being fat, even as a child, does not mean you're sick. It just means you're fat. If the concern is children are developing illnesses at an increased rate, okay. Deal with that. But don't focus on the fat. Maybe kids are getting sicker because of polutants? Because of the chemicals we pump into food and water and air? Perhaps they're getting sicker because of our hyper-vigilant anti-bacterial everything? I mean, face it, you develop immunity to a lot of diseases by being exposed to them. If we're killing bacteria everywhere we can, we drop exposure. On some level, yay! But on others....you can't build a functioning immune system if your environment is unnaturally sterile.

Maybe kids are getting sicker because they spend so much of their lives inside. Again, limiting exposure to things that can promote a robust immune system. Maybe they spend so much time inside because they don't have safe neighborhoods to play in. Maybe they don't have the right supervision because their parents have to work 60+hours a week to make ends meet. Maybe sickness is caused by a lot of things that vary from person to person. Maybe we should spend time looking at the big picture instead of focusing on the fatness.

Because, frankly, when we're at the point where babies can't be fat, we've gone waaaaaay off the deep end.

Labels: fat, outrage

Remember boys and girls, being fat means you're going to DIE!!!

ATLANTA (AP) — Obese people face a higher risk of passing out — or worse — in the nation’s current heat wave, some health experts say.

Layers of fat make it extra difficult for a body to dissipate heat, or to move to a cool location. Add in diabetic dehydration and other conditions common in the obese, and it’s a recipe for trouble

Because, you know, being fat means you can't walk. Or move. Or, I don't know, lift a bottle of water to hydrate yourself. And you certainly can't find air conditioning. Or shade. Or dip into a swimming pool. Or cold shower. Or any of the several thousand things you can do to cool off. No, being fat means you're doomed to pass out or worse! because it's fricking hot.

As I said: bullshit.

As a fat person who has lived in a place where the temperatures routinely get to 100 or more, I've never passed out or had heat exhausting or any of the other bad things that could happen. When I get hot, I find a way to cool down. It's not that hard. A bottle of cold water can do it, a cold compress on my forehead, whatever. Being fat doesn't mean you're stupid, okay?

In the years 1999 through 2003, about 1,200 U.S. deaths were reported in which heat-related illness was a major factor, according to a CDC report published last week. The report did not examine obesity as a risk factor, but found cardiovascular disease was an underlying cause of death in 57 percent of those cases and diabetes was in 3 percent of those cases.

Ooooh. I get it. It's not being fat that's the problem, it's having heart problems or diabetes. And you know, only fat people have those diseases. And all fat people have them. Even those of us who don't.

Bullshit. Just utter bullshit.

Labels: fat, lies

Court orders disciplinary case stopped against doctor accused of making rude remarks to patients
By DAVID TIRRELL-WYSOCKI
Associated Press Writer

CONCORD, N.H. (AP) -- A judge has ordered the state Board of Medicine to stop disciplinary proceedings against a doctor accused of telling a patient she was so obese she might only be attractive to black men and advising another to shoot herself following brain surgery.

Judge Edward Fitzgerald made clear in a ruling released Thursday that he did not condone remarks attributed to Dr. Terry Bennett and found them unnecessary, but ruled Bennett had a right to speak bluntly.

"It is nonetheless important ... to ensure that physicians and patients are free to discuss matters relating to health without fear of government reprisal, even if such discussions may sometimes be harsh, rude or offensive to the listener," he concluded in the ruling Wednesday.

The complaints against Bennett included charges that he told a white patient that she was so obese she might only be attractive to black men.

"Let's face it, if your husband were to die tomorrow, who would want you?" the board has said Bennett told the overweight patient in June 2004. "Well, men might want you, but not the types you want to want you. Might even be a black guy," it quoted him as saying, based on the woman?s complaint.

Bennett, 68, has denied making the comment, but has said he's seen polls supporting that position.
"If you look at the polling, nobody likes fat women," he said last year. "Is it right? No. Is it sensible? No. Is it true? Yeah ... Black guys are the only group that don?t mind that. Is that racist to say that?"

A 2001 complaint accused Bennett of telling a woman recovering from brain surgery to buy a pistol and shoot herself to end her suffering. The doctor was also accused of speaking harshly to a woman about how her son might have contracted hepatitis, according to the ruling.

Bennett claimed victory.

"The question now is: Will the board waste more of your and my tax dollars and appeal this, or accept done as done?" he said in a telephone interview.

Fitzgerald also ruled that state and American Medical Association requirements to treat patients with "compassion and respect for human dignity and rights" are so vague they are unconstitutional. Bennett probably would have won his challenges before the board, the judge said.

Bennett said he planned to sue everyone involved for "malicious prosecution."

"I am not inclined to be forgiving about it," he said. "It's been devastating and infuriating."

Assistant Attorney General Elyse Alkalay, who represented the board in the court case, said she was reviewing the ruling and had not decided whether to appeal.

Bennett could have faced penalties ranging from a written reprimand to suspension or revocation of his medical license.
_______________________________________________

Where do I begin? Seriously. First, no one likes fat women? Uh, no. I do. I tend to prefer them. So, point one against the good doctor.

Second...what the fuck? I mean, seriously. What.The.Fuck? This is what's passing for good bedside manner these days? I know there was a point in my life that, if a doctor had spoken to me that way, I'd never darken their door again. And I'd stay sick and suffering, because of the "blunt" nature of his advice. Only black men will want you? What? What's the problem with that? There's nothing inherently inferior or wrong with black men. What the fuck? I just...what the fuck???

Okay. Calmer now.

Here's the problem with doctors like this -- they get fat people killed. Don't believe me? Let me offer my Aunt Vickie as an example. She died when she was 42 of a stroke. She was 5 foot nothing and probably 350 lbs. She was also a nurse in one of the best hospitals in the state, in the ICU. She knew, we found out after her death, that she knew something was wrong. She'd been taking drug samples from work to treat what she thought, it seems, was simply high blood pressure. The problem was, she didn't just have high blood pressure. She had an auto immune illness, one related to Lupus actually. One that a simple blood test could detect. One that could have been treated, though not cured, by taking one damned pill a day. One little, tiny pill. She'd likely had it for 10, maybe 15 years. It had damaged her blood vessels so badly, that the two main ones in her brain had actually rebuilt themselves, carving out a new pathway because the old one had been scarred to the point it was blocked.

She was around doctors every damned day. She was friends with dozens of them. And she wouldn't go to any of them, wouldn't talk to any of them about her symptoms because she was so very, very afraid they'd make it all about her weight. She was so ashamed of being fat that she died way, way, way before she needed to. And why was she ashamed? Because of bastards like this guy who thinks that "blunt" talk is the way to get fat people to loose weight. Why the hell is it anyone's business if someone is fat? Unless the fat is actively affecting a patients health, what the hell does it matter?

My aunt was an amazing woman. She was a second mother to me, the one I could actually talk to. She was the only other person in my family to escape the Fundy programming. I could do things with her, or tell her things, that would scandalize everyone else in my family. She was smart and funny and the most generous, loving person you'd ever meet. It didn't matter that she was raised in poverty. It didn't matter that she, like my mother, was told by her father she was worthless because she was female. She put herself through nursing school, she worked her way up to an awesome job, she bought a house when she was my age, she had great friends and was so very, very loved.

Christmas was her favorite holiday. She didn't have any children of her own, so she spoiled her nieces and nephews. I was the oldest, so I had the most benefit of her adoration. Every year, she brought in piles and piles and piles of presents. Whatever we wanted, we got. It was amazing, really. She let me crash at her house the summer before I started grad school. My boyfriend and I painted her house one summer. She took me on vacations to Disney World and the mountains and the beach. She really loved life and she wasn't afraid to just get out and do things.

But she wouldn't go to the doctor. She wouldn't do the one thing she needed to do most. She was so afraid of being told she felt bad because she was fat, that she just didn't go. And so, she died. Even that morning, when she was having the stroke, she wouldn't call an ambulance. She wouldn't go to the hospital. And because she waited, she died. Because she had been told, been brainwashed to believe that all her problems were caused by her fat, she died.

Being fat was not the physical cause of her death. Regardless of the fact that she was 350 lbs, that's wasn't the organic cause of her death. No, it was that damned undiagnosed autoimmune disease.

And you know what scares me? It scares me to think that, even if she had gone to the doctor, it wouldn't have changed anything. It scares me that people like this bastard are in practice. Because if she'd gone to someone like him, they wouldn't have seen a sick woman. They'd have seen a fat woman.

Labels: fat, lawsuit, medical care

I was reading this post over at Feministe and it, of course, got me thinking.

I've already posted about my problems with power issues in hetero relationship, so now I'm going to pontificate on my issues with Dating While Fat.

The thing is, I like my body. I realize it's way beyond the socially accepted norm and I just don't care. Sure, sometimes (like when I've got PMS) I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see myself the way I think I should. But those days pass. Generally, I look at myself and think "That's one awesome woman." Because I am. So, my body isn't an issue for me. But it seems to be an issue for lots of men.

I cannot count the number of times I've been talking to a guy, via IM or off of some dating site, and we're all doing well and everything. And he asks for a pix, so I send one. And that's it. No more talking, no more paging. No more nothing. Just...it's like I no longer exist.

Now, I realize there needs to be a physical attraction for a relationship to work. And if you do not find me physically attractive, that's fine. I don't find everyone else in the world attractive either. But have the decency to not be an ass about it. When I'm talking to guys via IM or whatever, I'm really not looking for someone to hook up with that night. I'm also not necessarily looking for someone to be my SO. I really just want to meet people, maybe meet some new friends. So if we click, great. If we don't, fine. If you don't wanna be my boytoy, I don't fucking care, But when you get all shitty and just stop talking to me, when you were all about me five minutes earlier, you're being a prick and pissing me off.

Also, men who think I'm gonna give it up to 'em cause I'm a big girl? Fuck you. Or, more accurately, I won't fuck you. This post at Lynne's blog (she's awesome, btw) just makes me want to vomit. And it reinforces my deepest fears about men, in general. I want to trust them, but knowing that there are men who think these kind of things. . .and I know they exist. I've meet them. I just. . .want to stab them in the eyes with a pair of scissors.

Here's the thing: I'm a person, not a body. There's a difference. And if I meet a guy who just wants to fuck, he should just say so. I'm not desparate because I'm a big girl, but neither am I non-sexual. Maybe I just want to fuck him too. Maybe I don't want a relationship. Maybe we're both on the same page. But if any one thinks I'm a fucking HOG, they're not laying a hand on me.

It makes it very difficult for me to trust men who seem to show interest in me. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even notice a man who was actively flirting with me. It just doesn't register with me. It's almost like society has driven it into my head that no man would ever find me sexually appealing. I know this is wrong, because men have. But that's almost like an exception to the rule.

And I don't want to be someone's fetish. I don't want to be with a man who just wants to be with a big girl. Because, what happens if I lose weight? I'm not planning on it, but I've gotten sick in the past and lost quite a few pounds. Sure, it always comes back when I'm healthy again, but what if it didn't? Would the person I'm in love with dump me because I'm suddenly not his fetish?

I honestly don't understand the avoidance most men seem to have to bigger women. When I look at a guy, I'm not thinking "oh, I don't want him. He's got a spare tire." I mean, I understand on an individual basis that attraction is different. No problem. But, this lashing out against big women in general, it just makes no sense at all. So, I'm fat. So what? That's like deciding you don't like me because I wear glasses or because I'm tall or because my eyes are green. These things are all true, but to decide, based on one factor, that I'm not girlfriend material? It seems shady to me.

Maybe that's because I'm not much of a lookist myself. Honestly, a feature has to be really outstanding on a person for me to really notice. Or, I notice, it just doesn't get that much weight in my evaluating them. There are things I have preferences for (tall, dark hair, brown eyes, boys who wear eyeliner, Latinas(yum!), women who have curves) and things I really, really don't like (blue eyes! Don't ask me why. I just don't like 'em.) But the thing is, none of those things are dealbreakers. If I met a short, blue-eyed blonde, skinny as a rail who I just clicked with -- color me happy. I'd be amused by it, but I certainly wouldn't fight it. So why the problem for men with big girls?

(And don't give me that crap about health, either. If we're talking health issues, my Lupus is way, way, way bigger than my weight. And I don't want to have to break out my excellent other stats. So nyah.)

Anyway, the reaction (many) men have to big girls makes it difficult for me to trust them. And if you don't have trust, you can't have a relationship.

Labels: fat, relationships