Butterfly Cauldron

OK, here's the thing -- while I'm pretty damned happy with my body
myself and think I'm kinda cute, I always assume other people only see
me as this fat girl. Funny, sure. Smart, sure. Best friend even, sure.
But more? Girlfriend? Lover? Nah. Just not their type, is all. Because
of, ya know, the fatness.

Now, my brain knows this is not true. My brain knows I've had lovers
(and hey! lately my body remembers it too). It knows I've been deeply
in love and been loved in return. It knows that the size of my body is
not an impediment to these things. And I genuinely believe that, but
still.....there's that crazy fear that rears its stupid, crazy,
fear-head. I want a hammer to bash it in, but it hides like those
crazy moles in Wack-A-Mole. Grr.

So, I've been talking to this guy online for a bit (I'm a geek. I meet
all my guys online, it seems) and we've been getting along, it seems
nice, etc. etc. He sends me a picture, he's kinda cute. And then he
wants my picture too. Panic. It's going so well! When he sees the
picture, he'll run away, blahblahblah. Panicpanicpanic. So, I put him
off for a day or two, steeling myself up for it. Knowing, just
knowing, he'll flee. So, I sent him the picture this morning. And got
a response back from him pretty damned quick.

The specific contents of said email I will keep to myself. Ahem. But
he thinks I'm quite sexy and included a nice list of things he'd like
me to do to him. Ahem.

So....why was I so freaked out? Why was I so incredibly certain I'd be
rejected? I mean, I have never in my life been a small girl. Never.
And that's not stopped me from having relationships. But it just gnaws
at me, that sense of insecurity. That once s/he knows what I look
like....it'll be over.

So, anyway, because I've decided I've had enough of this shit, I
posted a picture of myself on my blog for anyone to see. (Which can be found one post down!) Kinda scary,
but what's the worst that can happen? Trolls tell me I'm fat? (No?
Really???) I'm working on just being more out-there with things. I
mean, if I can own up to bisexuality and goddess worship, what's a
little "here's what I look like"? If we're going to smash society's
expectations of what women can and should look like, we can't exactly
be hiding in the closet, can we?

(BTW, this Boy is all of 22. Seriously, I've been dating in the wrong age-range!)

Labels: fat, feminism, men