Butterfly Cauldron
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I do so much better with the young ones. . .
OK, here's the thing -- while I'm pretty damned happy with my body
myself and think I'm kinda cute, I always assume other people only see
me as this fat girl. Funny, sure. Smart, sure. Best friend even, sure.
But more? Girlfriend? Lover? Nah. Just not their type, is all. Because
of, ya know, the fatness.
Now, my brain knows this is not true. My brain knows I've had lovers
(and hey! lately my body remembers it too). It knows I've been deeply
in love and been loved in return. It knows that the size of my body is
not an impediment to these things. And I genuinely believe that, but
still.....there's that crazy fear that rears its stupid, crazy,
fear-head. I want a hammer to bash it in, but it hides like those
crazy moles in Wack-A-Mole. Grr.
So, I've been talking to this guy online for a bit (I'm a geek. I meet
all my guys online, it seems) and we've been getting along, it seems
nice, etc. etc. He sends me a picture, he's kinda cute. And then he
wants my picture too. Panic. It's going so well! When he sees the
picture, he'll run away, blahblahblah. Panicpanicpanic. So, I put him
off for a day or two, steeling myself up for it. Knowing, just
knowing, he'll flee. So, I sent him the picture this morning. And got
a response back from him pretty damned quick.
The specific contents of said email I will keep to myself. Ahem. But
he thinks I'm quite sexy and included a nice list of things he'd like
me to do to him. Ahem.
So....why was I so freaked out? Why was I so incredibly certain I'd be
rejected? I mean, I have never in my life been a small girl. Never.
And that's not stopped me from having relationships. But it just gnaws
at me, that sense of insecurity. That once s/he knows what I look
like....it'll be over.
So, anyway, because I've decided I've had enough of this shit, I
posted a picture of myself on my blog for anyone to see. (Which can be found one post down!) Kinda scary,
but what's the worst that can happen? Trolls tell me I'm fat? (No?
Really???) I'm working on just being more out-there with things. I
mean, if I can own up to bisexuality and goddess worship, what's a
little "here's what I look like"? If we're going to smash society's
expectations of what women can and should look like, we can't exactly
be hiding in the closet, can we?
(BTW, this Boy is all of 22. Seriously, I've been dating in the wrong age-range!)
myself and think I'm kinda cute, I always assume other people only see
me as this fat girl. Funny, sure. Smart, sure. Best friend even, sure.
But more? Girlfriend? Lover? Nah. Just not their type, is all. Because
of, ya know, the fatness.
Now, my brain knows this is not true. My brain knows I've had lovers
(and hey! lately my body remembers it too). It knows I've been deeply
in love and been loved in return. It knows that the size of my body is
not an impediment to these things. And I genuinely believe that, but
still.....there's that crazy fear that rears its stupid, crazy,
fear-head. I want a hammer to bash it in, but it hides like those
crazy moles in Wack-A-Mole. Grr.
So, I've been talking to this guy online for a bit (I'm a geek. I meet
all my guys online, it seems) and we've been getting along, it seems
nice, etc. etc. He sends me a picture, he's kinda cute. And then he
wants my picture too. Panic. It's going so well! When he sees the
picture, he'll run away, blahblahblah. Panicpanicpanic. So, I put him
off for a day or two, steeling myself up for it. Knowing, just
knowing, he'll flee. So, I sent him the picture this morning. And got
a response back from him pretty damned quick.
The specific contents of said email I will keep to myself. Ahem. But
he thinks I'm quite sexy and included a nice list of things he'd like
me to do to him. Ahem.
So....why was I so freaked out? Why was I so incredibly certain I'd be
rejected? I mean, I have never in my life been a small girl. Never.
And that's not stopped me from having relationships. But it just gnaws
at me, that sense of insecurity. That once s/he knows what I look
like....it'll be over.
So, anyway, because I've decided I've had enough of this shit, I
posted a picture of myself on my blog for anyone to see. (Which can be found one post down!) Kinda scary,
but what's the worst that can happen? Trolls tell me I'm fat? (No?
Really???) I'm working on just being more out-there with things. I
mean, if I can own up to bisexuality and goddess worship, what's a
little "here's what I look like"? If we're going to smash society's
expectations of what women can and should look like, we can't exactly
be hiding in the closet, can we?
(BTW, this Boy is all of 22. Seriously, I've been dating in the wrong age-range!)
Monday, April 02, 2007
Dear Idiot,
It is considered, in polite society, the thing to do, you know. When you must cancel an appointment, an engagement or a date. I realize that perhaps they do not teach you this in Mississippi, but for the rest of the civilized world, the canceling of a date requires a simple phone call. If the callee is not at home, a simple message on the machine "So sorry, but I can't make it. My grandma got sick/the cat has the flu/Satan is in the White House/pick your favorite excuse." This is considered courteous behaviour and, interestingly enough, increases your odds of getting laid, should the callee wish to reschedule your date.
What should you not do? Well, you should certainly never, ever simply not show up without calling. But, should you have an issue -- like, perhaps, you lost a phone number -- you could avail yourself of the wonders of email. It's not exactly top brow, I know, but a date broken over an email is much preferable to the No Show, No Call method you choose to employ. And, as this was in fact a first date, you need not worry about excessively injured feelings upon breaking the date. After all, we have known each other far far too little time for either of us to have developed genuine fondness for the other.
And yet, I now feel a certain emotion toward you. Yes. Yes, I do. What is this emotion? Why, it is annoyance. And the urge to stab you in the eyes for your boorish behaviour. But, being a civilized person, I will refrain. I simply hold to the universal truth that what you put out returns to you, often trifold. And I think now that the previous girlfriend you told me of was correct in the cancelation of your wedding.
And so, since you have yet to call me, I leave this message here, should you find it. I fear you may find my phone unanswered, should you attempt to call. After all, I am a busy girl. Cats to pet, men to seduce, worlds to conqueor and all that.
What should you not do? Well, you should certainly never, ever simply not show up without calling. But, should you have an issue -- like, perhaps, you lost a phone number -- you could avail yourself of the wonders of email. It's not exactly top brow, I know, but a date broken over an email is much preferable to the No Show, No Call method you choose to employ. And, as this was in fact a first date, you need not worry about excessively injured feelings upon breaking the date. After all, we have known each other far far too little time for either of us to have developed genuine fondness for the other.
And yet, I now feel a certain emotion toward you. Yes. Yes, I do. What is this emotion? Why, it is annoyance. And the urge to stab you in the eyes for your boorish behaviour. But, being a civilized person, I will refrain. I simply hold to the universal truth that what you put out returns to you, often trifold. And I think now that the previous girlfriend you told me of was correct in the cancelation of your wedding.
And so, since you have yet to call me, I leave this message here, should you find it. I fear you may find my phone unanswered, should you attempt to call. After all, I am a busy girl. Cats to pet, men to seduce, worlds to conqueor and all that.
