Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I do so much better with the young ones. . .
myself and think I'm kinda cute, I always assume other people only see
me as this fat girl. Funny, sure. Smart, sure. Best friend even, sure.
But more? Girlfriend? Lover? Nah. Just not their type, is all. Because
of, ya know, the fatness.
Now, my brain knows this is not true. My brain knows I've had lovers
(and hey! lately my body remembers it too). It knows I've been deeply
in love and been loved in return. It knows that the size of my body is
not an impediment to these things. And I genuinely believe that, but
still.....there's that crazy fear that rears its stupid, crazy,
fear-head. I want a hammer to bash it in, but it hides like those
crazy moles in Wack-A-Mole. Grr.
So, I've been talking to this guy online for a bit (I'm a geek. I meet
all my guys online, it seems) and we've been getting along, it seems
nice, etc. etc. He sends me a picture, he's kinda cute. And then he
wants my picture too. Panic. It's going so well! When he sees the
picture, he'll run away, blahblahblah. Panicpanicpanic. So, I put him
off for a day or two, steeling myself up for it. Knowing, just
knowing, he'll flee. So, I sent him the picture this morning. And got
a response back from him pretty damned quick.
The specific contents of said email I will keep to myself. Ahem. But
he thinks I'm quite sexy and included a nice list of things he'd like
me to do to him. Ahem.
So....why was I so freaked out? Why was I so incredibly certain I'd be
rejected? I mean, I have never in my life been a small girl. Never.
And that's not stopped me from having relationships. But it just gnaws
at me, that sense of insecurity. That once s/he knows what I look
like....it'll be over.
So, anyway, because I've decided I've had enough of this shit, I
posted a picture of myself on my blog for anyone to see. (Which can be found one post down!) Kinda scary,
but what's the worst that can happen? Trolls tell me I'm fat? (No?
Really???) I'm working on just being more out-there with things. I
mean, if I can own up to bisexuality and goddess worship, what's a
little "here's what I look like"? If we're going to smash society's
expectations of what women can and should look like, we can't exactly
be hiding in the closet, can we?
(BTW, this Boy is all of 22. Seriously, I've been dating in the wrong age-range!)
Why? Well, the reason I was anonymous to begin with was because I was working out some stuff and wanted to do it on a blog where no one knew me. So, instead of my Livejournal, I started this little spot. I was wanting to talk about religion and sex and other stuff, without the people who knew me in RL knowing what I was doing. And I was also working for a company that would have fired my ass for blogging something that would make the company look bad. (Gannett is the DEVIL. Gannett is Satan's Handmaiden and is destroying journalism. Corporate media is BAD!!!!!)
Well, I no longer work for the Devil and I've worked through the crap I wanted to work through. Plus, now I have a Civil Service job that affords me lots of protection, so my job is pretty damned safe. I can't go around endorsing or harpooning any political candidates/parties, but other than that? I'm pretty much covered. (But I can still take positions on issues, so we're all good.)
And frankly, I'm going to be 33 next year. If someone has a problem with my faith or my sexuality, they can go fuck themselves. I'm an adult, this is America and you can just deal.
So, why should I stay anonymous? If people give me too much shit, I'll just blow this place up and start a new blog. *shrug* And so, I give you....Moi:
Admittedly, not the best photo I've ever taken and my hair is currently longer, darker and I have new glasses, but....that would be me, in all my glory. Gaze upon me and drool, for I know you want to.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The Universe Sucks
I get into work and find an email from my boss, yelling at me in bold and caps! about a newsletter I've been working on. There are spacing problems. Well, duh. He insists that it all be justifed, which means that there are weird spaces between the words sometimes. If he'd just let me do it normally, there wouldn't be this problem. But noooooo. I have to get yelled at via email over a problem I tried to fix, but he wouldn't allow.
He's also mad because one of the stories in the newsletter is out of date. Well, duh. That's what happens when he can't get back to me on his edits in a reasonable time. I started this edition in JULY. He gave me a list of stories he wanted, and a deadline. So, I sat down, made out a schedule and had them done on time. He, however, did not have the two stories HE wanted to write done by the deadline. Or for another month after that. And when he did, he only did one of them and decided to just spike the second one. Fine. I get it into the format, give it to him and wait. And wait. For him to edit it and give it back to me for changes. Finally, he does. Gives me another deadline for the revisions. Which I meet. And now this. What.The.Hell.
And that was just the last damned straw for me. Just is. I don't get paid enough for this job, not with my experience and fricking Masters degree. I'm broke, my phone is now turned off because I couldn't pay the bill, my tv will be disconned next weekend and well...gah. I have a whopping $1.40 to last me two weeks.
Worst part? I haven't got the money for my medication. So, my Lupus is starting to come out of remission. I'm already getting the pain in my hands and arms again and the exhaustion is seriously causing problems. i'm on edge all the time, I'm just.....*sigh* I need a vacation. And a job with more money.
So, I'm going to spend the night working on my resume and cover letters. I found three new jobs to apply for today, I'm sure I'll find more tomorrow.
And I need to remember -- it's wrong, wrong, wrong to pray for people to errupt in a butt full of festering boils. It just is. Even though it's tempting.