Butterfly Cauldron

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Oh, Veronica!

Well, can we at last say goodbye to that icky serial rapist plot? Yes? Good. Back to murder mysteries, which she is much more qualified to investigate. (How many people have died and needed V to find justice for them again?)

I was, however, pleased to see Parker (one of the victims) coming to V's rescue. I was also pleased to see the fact that, once Parker started yelling for help, a lot of guys came out to help her. See? Not all men are evil rape-enablers. Some men would like to beat the shit out of men who hurt women. (The cynic in me says they do this because it increases THEIR chances of getting laid, but I'm telling my cynic to shut up now.)

So, the good -- icky rape storyline gone. Mac! She was back! And looking oh-so-adorable. Can I just say, I very much wanted to kiss that girl when she was being talked into attending the party with V? Soooooooo cute. Parker -- standing up for herself and other women. No victim here. The breakup. Yes, I consider this a good thing. I'll explain why later. Keith! Dad to the rescue. Why can't every girl have a dad like him?

Now, the bad. Or at least, the troubling.

Where the hell have V's friends been? Sure, it's college, but I didn't ditch all my buds when I went to college. At least, not the ones who went to college WITH me. Now, given how V's been acting, I'd see if THEY ditched her, but this is getting annoying. The look on poor Wallace's face when he realizes that V didn't want to GO to the party, she wanted to WORK the party -- very sad. The same thing with Mac. Parties aren't Mac's thing, but if V had wanted to you hang out with her best friend, she'd have been more into it. (Can I say again -- I love Mac? Geeky, smart, kissable. I want one.)

This whole "I am what I am. I work alone. I cannot change" spin? So not loving it. Hated it when they did it on Buffy, hating it more now. The appeal of V? She's awesome and strong and she's NOT a loner. She has fun, she's real. Sure, she has bad days and gets dumb, but this? This is beyond dumb. This requires an intervention.

Now, the breakup. I think this was a very good thing because V and Logan? Not the best match. Sure, they have passion, but they're toxic for each other. V won't open up and L is desperately in need of being needed. Look, his dad killed his first love, tried to kill V, drove his mother to suicide. He's been accused of murder, beaten, locked up, had his house burned down and basicially has no one he can count on. He needs someone stable (which V is) and emotionally open (which she is not). They work well as friends, so long as she doesn't try to shut him out.

Seriously, what the HELL is up with that? I'm pissed off with her shutting everyone out. She's going to get herself into serious shit and do you know how hard it's gonna be not to be all 'you brought it on yourself'? Fucking set up for victim blaming!!


You know who I think would be a good match for V? Eli. He's as tough as she is, he's as stubborn as she is and no way in hell he'd let her put him in a box like L has. (Plus, he's bald and Latino. Mrow sexy.) Also, I think she believes he can take care of himself. She wouldn't worry about him like she does with Logan. I think she worries that Logan is somehow weak, not strong enough to take care of herself. Which is what Logan is afraid of too, so see? Toxic combo.

Anyway, bring back the Martians, K? I need Mac and Wallace and Eli and Logan. Hell, I'm okay with Parker now and Pez? Well, get him a real name and he's not so bad. But this whole "Woman alone' shit? Gotta go.


posted by Zan at 6:59 AM 5 comments

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Watch me make a serious, introspective post based on a silly quiz. . .

Perhaps it is simply because it has been so very long since I've been in a relationship, but I'm finding this annoying accurate. It's not true that I have managed to escape life unbruised -- far from it -- but perhaps distance allows you to forget or maybe heal the damage done by those experiences.

I mentioned before, I believe, that I'm becoming more and more optimistic. This is strange for me, since I have spent a great deal of the last decade or so being anything but optimistic. So, I'm feeling more and more hopeful -- about everything but my prospect for romance, ya know. Which is strange, because you'd think that, since everything else bodes well for me, I'd be thinking that my love life would be getting better too. I'm trying to figure out just why that isn't the case.

I like myself. I think I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm a great friend -- I think I'd make an awesome girlfriend. And yet -- and yet. Where does that come from? Why is this the one part of my life, of myself that I cannot seem to believe in?

It's not my body. Sure, I'm a fat girl, but lots of fat girls have significant others, husbands, wives, the whole deal. Granted, I'm not gloriously beautiful, but I'm far from ugly. I'm clean, I take care of myself, I'm comfortable in my skin. So, it's not my body.

And it's not so much my health, either. Sometimes, I still get twitchy about it. But I figure, lots of people with worse illnesses find love, so why not me? I'm not dying, I'm on medication and get good medical care so -- why not?

I'm just not sure where this inability to to see myself in a relationship comes from. It makes no sense. As I said -- I'd be an awesome girlfriend, of this I am certain. And yet -- there it is.

Does it come from the fact that physical relationships were downplayed in my childhood? Sure, my parents kissed, lightly, in front of us. They hugged and whatever, but it was always assumed that it wasn't terribly important. I mean, these are the parents who never, ever had the damned sex talk with me, after all. Even after roughly a third of the girls in my high school ended up pregant over a four year period. No talk about sex, or birth control or childbirth or any of that. Which makes me wonder just what the HELL they were thinking -- I was obsessed with having sex by the time I was 12, for gods sake!

Ahem. Anyway.

I have no idea where it comes from and it bugs me. If I can't see it happening, does that prevent it from happening? Yes, I know. I think too much. Part of my problem really, living in my head. I meet someone I like (which, frankly, I haven't done in years. Another problem, really.), we talk, my mind goes a billion miles a minute and before you know it, I've got us involved, happy, then fighting and breaking up and have talked myself out of the risking it. Seriously. It makes no sense and yet, there is it.

So anyway. I'm thinking, is all.
posted by Zan at 6:38 PM 1 comments

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Funny. Very funny.

Now, I loves me a man with a Scots accent. Plus, he's bald, which is kinda sexy.

On a side note, my cat is currently running around the house like she's possessed. Hrm.

Okay, this guy is fucking funny.

posted by Zan at 8:46 AM 1 comments

If DirectTV doesn't show up today...

I may have to get a little PMSy on their asses. The guy is supposed to be here between 8 and 10 and it's closing in on 9 and no sign of him. Grr. Arg. I confirmed the appointment last night, but still....I don't have a good track record with these people.

So, as I wait and fret, I'm surfing around YouTube and have discovered some funnies to share with you all. Because I loves you. Or something.

posted by Zan at 8:42 AM 4 comments

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I can't believe I ate the whole thing...

Well, no. Not really. It just seemed an appropriate title for Turkey Day. It was a very quiet day on my end. Drove home to see the folks, had dinner, did some laundry. (I have yet to acquire a washer and dryer for my new place.) Felt like I was in college again.

Just me, mom, dad and one grandmother. I have so many leftovers in my fridge...yum! Turkey and pork sandwiches for days!

So, it was a nice calm day and all. My mother mentioned something my brother had told her about my cousin, A. Now, A is gay. And by gay I mean, if the boy flamed any brighter they'd see him from space. It has always been apparent that he was gay, even when he was very young. So, when he decided to come out to a few relatives a few years ago, no one was very surprised. Upset, but not surprised.

So, my mom told me that A has a myspace page and some pictures up that are 'disgusting'. Apparently he's a 'full-blown' homosexual. (Do you have ANY idea how hard it was not to laugh when she said that? Full blown? ARG!) So, anyway, I did not know he had this page. My brother didn't give my mom any details about the pix, but said they were just wretched and awful and it was horrible he was SO gay.....because apparently, if he was gay but like a hermit that would be okay or something. Anyway, I went in search of that page, dammit. I wanted to see! Alas, I could not find it. I have only that he's going by the name Star and no more. I am saddened. I have a feeling my cousin has some lovely drag pix of himself up and dammit, I wanna see them!

I think he'd be lovely in drag. He's got a very femme face, even though he's about seven foot tall. Terribly skinny, with lots of piercings and tats. You know, the kinda boy I'd find attractive if he wasn't my cousin and well, gayer than the Castro at Pride Week, ya know? Anyway, I just really wanna know what's on the damned page! I'm so insanely curious.

It's funny, ya know. A never bothered to come out to me, he just kinda didn't worry much about how I would react. (I have no idea why he'd think that I'd be cool with it. Nope. None. At all. Just like I have no idea why he knew I'd be cool with his pagan ways. None at all. It's a mystery to me. I must have one of those trustworthy faces or something.)

So, here's my thing -- my parents were all, not exactly okay with him before, but they weren't making a big deal about him being gay. Now my mom's like so disappointed, like she thinks it's this horrible thing. I think she blames his mother, totally. Of course, this is probably because my Aunt P divorced Uncle G this year, after they were together for almost 30 years. Shocked everyone, 'cept me really. I mean, I wasn't waiting on it to happen, but anyone with eyes could see that marriage was not so great. My uncle spent most of his time home out in the woods hunting, never seemed to want to be around his family too much. He was stunned when she left but they seem to have come to some reasonable understanding. She's living down south with A -- so she's clearly come to terms with his gayness. I mean, they fucking live together and all.

Anyway, I can't help but think my mom is upset that Aunt P isn't more upset. Like maybe if she'd been a better wife or mother or whatever, this wouldn't have happened. Which makes me wanna look at her and go -- well, you know, YOU raised a bisexual daughter. You think you did a bad job as a mother?

But, I won't because I don't need that kinda drama at this point in my life. Also -- I'm thinking I'm doomed to be single and sexless forever. Dear gods! Seriously, this year? Send me someone. I so very much need to get laid it's not funny. And someone to hang out with would be good too :)

So, anyway that was T-Day at my place. I've got leftovers to sandwich together and then I'm going to watch Grey's Anatomy. OOOH! And the DirectTV guy will be here Saturday! I'll get my cable back! Yes! I'm considering starting a second blog where I can write about music and television and that alone. Hrm.....

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posted by Zan at 6:59 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Why, Veronica, why?

I'm growing more and more annoyed with my adored Veronica Mars. The show is pushing this whole 'fake rape reporting' storyline and it's making me want to just skip the show entirely. And can we please stop putting V into situations where she's either raped, beaten, stalked or otherwise abused? I realize women in this world are in danger of all of those things, but to have it happen over and over again? It's too much.

The revelation in last night's episode that the rapes around which this season's mystery has revolved have, in fact, all been staged by a group of women pissed off by what a group of frat boys did to a friend of theirs a few years ago -- in order to get all frats kicked off campus -- make me want to throw things at the television. No. No. No. Just...no.

These women have been drugging other women, shaving their heads and letting them believe they've been raped -- all in the name of sisterhood. Uh, hell no. (At least, I'm assuming all the victims were not in on it. There were a lot of them and at least one of them was well and truely tramatized when she woke up with her head shaved, believing she'd been the victim of rape.)

This is the face of feminism the producers/writers of the show want the world to see? WTF? Sure, it's 'balanced' by V being stunned when she fines out, telling the others how badly they're hurting 'the cause'. But so what? She's the heroine, she's supposed to do that. A small group of women terrorize an entire fucking campus and community, assaulting other women they just happen to not like that much -- because hey, these frat boys hurt a friend of ours a few years ago and she walked off a roof and ended up in a mental institution because they mocked her body and made her feel bad about herself. And yeah, that's a horrible thing to do, specially the way they did it. But you know what? You don't attack OTHER WOMEN in revenge. You go after the people who actually hurt her. You go after the fucking society that allows 'boys to be boys'. You make a lot of fucking noise and expose the bastards for who and what they are. You CHANGE the fucking system, but you don't become the monsters to do it. For fucks sake.

I know this is just a television show, but you know people believe what's on the teevee. Ooh, look! Feminism bad. Bad feminism, bad. No cookie.

Plus, the promos for next week show V being stalked, apparently smacked around (well, she's got a big gash on her head and she's bleeding, so something happens to her) and promise to kill off a character. Yeah, that's what I wanna see. My perky, powerful V reduced to a ball of 'oh please, don't hurt me'.

Grr. I'm annoyed. Very, very annoyed.

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posted by Zan at 7:03 AM 3 comments

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Hello, my name is Zan and I'm an eMusic addict

So, a few months ago I canceled my subscription to eMusic.com. I did this because I was getting ready to move and I'm poor, so even $10 a month for mucho music seemed like an extravagance I can't afford. I have been soldiering on, not getting my 3 to 4 cds a month fix as best I could.

Then, this week, I've been getting emails from then. Tempting emails. Promising me 50 free downloads if I come back. Telling me how they're changing their download structure and if I come back now, I'll be able to still get 40 downloads a month for $10 instead of the 30 everyone else will get if they sign up after the 21st. (Which is today, right?) But no, no. I resisted. Mostly because I didn't have 10 bucks in my account to pay for the first month, but hey, I resisted, right?

Then yesterday, they sent me an email -- 50 free downloads AND the 40 a month AND the first month free. Well. I was damned. My last excuse, I just didn't have the cash for that first month, was gone. And so, I caved. I rejoined. And I've downloaded three new cds since yesterday. And I've still got enough downloads for probably three more. *sigh*

My name is Zan. I am an eMusic download junkie. Also, if you all sign up for an account, I get 50 free downloads for each of you. So, if you like Indie music and wanna screw the major recording companies, let me know. Send me your email, I'll send you an invite, and then get free music!

I really like eMusic because first, they're incredibly cheap. Even at 30 songs a month, that's almost three cds for $10. Where ya gonna get that? It's independant music, which means it's stuff that you can't find most other places and it's generally awesome. (I mean, you're not gonna find the latest Pussycat Dolls here, but really why would you want to?) The songs come free of that damned copyright protection software you find at fricking iTunes -- so you can put it in any MP3 player, burn it to as many cds as you like, email it to friends, whatever. Once you buy it, it's all yours, just like a regular cd is (or should be. I'm looking at you Sony. Fuckwads. I'm just glad I've got a Mac, so I don't have to worry about the crap PC users can run into with this stupid copyright software.)

Plus, they've got a huge selection of free music. Seriously, I get more cds for free there. Usually, I download about 7 cds a month. Three I pay for and another four from the free section. It's awesome. I get to find all sorts of new music that way, stuff I'd never think of paying 15 bucks for in a store because you know, I hadn't heard it before. You can sample the songs before you download them and it's just freaking awesome. It's made my Music Coolness Quotiant go waaay up. They've got sections for just about any kind of music you can imagine. Myself, I'm a punk/alternative/folk girl. But they've got gospel, rap, country, whatever. Also, they've got a huge catalog of older music -- stuff you can't find anymore. So, seriously, if you like music, I cannot recommend this place enough.

(And yes, the timestamp is right. It's 4 a.m. I can't sleep again. Bah.)

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posted by Zan at 3:56 AM 1 comments

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Stock up on batteries

At last, a holiday we can all get behind.

Global Orgasm Day.

Solstice Day, fittingly enough. Next time you're looking for a religion of joy, just remember that, 'k?
posted by Zan at 5:50 PM 1 comments

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Is that the sun? Really? Huh.

I must confess, I've been in something of a funk the last week or so. It makes no sense, seeing as how I've got the new job I wanted, the nice apartment I wanted, moved to the new town I wanted...only to realize, I really don't know anyone here and can't seem to remember how to go about meeting people. See, in my last little town, friends I'd had from college were in town or less than an hour away. So I wasn't really lonely, I had people I could call, could go visit, go to lunch with. It was cool, since I mostly enjoy my solitude anyway. But even we hermits like to have people to have lunch with, ya know?

So, I was feeling mopy. I went to the Unitarian Church last week and while I enjoyed the service, I didn't get a whole "glad to meet ya' vibe. Although, I did got to the 9:30 service, where the audience was older. So I think I'm gonna try the 11 a.m. service tomorrow, see if the crowd is more my age.

Add to that the fact that I don't have the money to go buy oh, gas, and I'm a bit down. Or I was. Then, yesterday at work I got the time to get to know my co-workers. They are so frickin' cool and get my sense of humor! I'm in heaven. See, yesterday our phone system went down, so no one could do their work, so we all got to hang out and just be stupid :) I love this office. Everyone seems to really get along, they WANT to talk to me -- a couple of them even came over to my desk (which isn't in the main office, it's in a back office so I'm in there mostly by myself) and were like "hey, come hang out with us." This is a much different reaction than I've had from office-mates in the past. I admit, I tend to feel a little...out of place...in most places, just because I seem to have so many different ideas than the people around me. Ha. Not here. I think I found a nest of the most liberal, sarcastic, witty people on the planet. And they all want to talk, it's so strange ;)

So, anyway, I'm feeling a bit less gloomy. I got the number for a friend from college whose nearby and gave her a call. I need to call her again today. (It's kinda weird though. She's the sister of the guy I almost married and I haven't spoken to her in years. We'll see how that works out.) A storm came though, and suddenly my little tv upstairs can pick up about seven or eight stations -- I'm not completely tvless anymore! Thank god. I found a coinstar machine and changed all my pennies into dollars, so I was able to put some gas in my car. So I'm not on Empty anymore, althought it's not nearly enough to get me home for Thanksgiving. I'll still be doing the $20 over at Walmart thing, but I won't have to do that until Wednesday, so the check won't actually bounce by the time it gets there Friday, because I'll have already been paid. Whhooo.

Althought, right now I want frigging donuts! Dammit. I found this place that makes the best chocolate covered donuts and I want them...grrrrrrrr!!
posted by Zan at 8:51 AM 5 comments

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Girl crush

While my tastes generally run to plump Latinas, I'm crushing hard on Pink. She's beautiful, she's unabashedly feminist, smart, funny, got attitude. *sigh* And this video is just....oy gods. When she's in the gym? Oh, the things I could do...

posted by Zan at 6:36 PM 5 comments

I don't know how to quit you, YouTube...

Okay, this is not work safe. But it's funny and disturbing and...well. Bush Screws the Country.


This is, of course, merely for entertainment. My sharing with the world should not in any way be construed as a political action in conflict with my job duties. Nope.
posted by Zan at 6:26 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Hey, Jules? Where did your blog go? You still around? Anyone know?
posted by Zan at 6:14 PM 0 comments

Two, four, six, eight -- God commands you procreate!

I'm sure most of you have heard of these 'Quiverful' families -- people who believe in absolutely no birth control, in having as many children as is physically possible. Long the provience of of strict Catholics and polygomist sects, this movement is moving more into the mainstream of Protestant thought. It's creepy. Not the having lots of kids, although that's not my thing. Frankly, if you can take care of the kids, I'm not one to tell you how many to have. But the language used in thisarticle just skeeves me out. Seriously.

Some choice quotes:

Quiverfull beliefs are absolutist. Purists don’t permit even natural family planning methods, such as tracking fertility cycles (the only form of birth control condoned by the Roman Catholic Church). Also taboo: any form of artificial fertility treatment. “The point is to have a welcoming heart,” says Mary Pride, a mother of nine whose 1985 book, “The Way Home,” celebrated a return to traditional gender roles. It has sold about 80,000 copies and has inspired many quiverfull families. “You shouldn’t be unnatural in going to a fertility clinic or in trying to avoid having children by regulating when to have sex with your husband,” says Pride.


The anti-birth control message appears to be gaining ground among some evangelicals. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, has become one of its most prominent advocates. “If a couple sees children as an imposition, as something to be vaccinated against, like an illness, that betrays a deeply erroneous understanding of marriage and children,” says Mohler. “Children should be seen as good by default.”


Though Ken admits life isn’t always easy—last spring, all eight kids came down with chicken pox at once—he says the family became “exponentially happier” after relinquishing control of Devon’s womb to God. He’s counting on his eldest daughter Peyton, 12, to carry on the tradition. She “will stay under my covering until I turn her over in marriage to a God-honoring young man,” he says. Hopefully, he adds, they too will reap a full quiver.

Let's unpack this a bit, shall we? Who can spot the instances of devaluing a woman's right to control her own destiny? Anyone? Anyone? How about the pressure on a young girl to carry on a 'tradition' that her parents made up? Anyone see that? On, and don't forget, you can't decide not to have sex with your husband just because you don't want to have yet another baby this year. Shoulda thought about that before you got married, shouldn't you?

In order to have this kind of family, the mother is required to stay at home. It is simply impossible for her to work and take care of 8 or more children at the same time. However, Daddy's gotta work so much that he's not home much, so Mom takes on the bulk of child-rearing. Plus, she's homeschooling the kids, of course. Let's build up that sense of insolation, shall we? (Can anyone say Andrea Yates? I thought you could.)

I take issue with the notion of children as good, by default. Maybe for most people, they end up that way. But often that's because of a conscious choice on the part of the parent. For me, no, children would not be good by default. A child would be a huge impact on my health and probably would shorten the length of my life. I love that language -- vaccinate against! Oh, if only! Seriously, if we could come up with a vaccine that would make you infertile for what, five, six years at a time, would that not be a GOOD thing? We could end teenage pregnancy, bam! We could give men /and/women a seriously powerful method of planning their families. A freaking vaccine would be awesome, but alas, not in this guy's view. Oh well.

You know, these people never talk about relinquishing control of their reproductive organs to God. It's always, well it's the womb that must be given over. Why? Why isn't it the damned sperm that must be given up? Why isn't Ken talking about relinquishing control of his penis to God?

And frankly, poor Peyton is going to need a ticket to the Underground Sisterhood Railroad in a few years. Listen to the language her father uses to talk about here -- that's now how you talk about a person, that's how you talk about a possession. He's literally going to 'turn her over'. For gods sake, people! This isn't a spare key, you know. It's your child, a living, breathing person who will have her own ideas and desires. What if she doesn't want to have any children? What if she's a lesbian? Or asexual? What if she wants to go to college and skip marriage altogether? What if she wants to make porn, for gods sake? She's got rights, as a person, that go way beyond being covered by daddy and then handed off to hubby.

These people freak me out, because I can just imagine how many closet Quiverfuls live around me, thinking -- oh, if only I could find a woman willing to let me stick it in unwrapped and pop out baby after baby! Gah.

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posted by Zan at 5:55 PM 2 comments

But...he's the reason for the season, see?

This story just kinda makes me laugh. Because, hello, didn't they realize a state-affiliated organization could not accept explicitly religious gifts?

LOS ANGELES - A company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said it was surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4,000 of the talking dolls.

“I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible,” said Michael La Roe, director of business development for Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. and its one2believe division, which makes the line of Bible character dolls.

Full story located here. Take a look at those dolls. Can you just imagine getting one of those for Christmas as a little kid? Come on.

And, of course, he assumes everyone could use one of these dolls. Because, hey, every little Jewish boy wants a Talking Jesus for Haunakkah, no? (Forgive me if I misspell, I'm a little in pain tonight.) And I know my little pagan children, should I have them, would just adore one of these. Of course, they'd probably be getting them from their grandparents. *sigh*

What gets me is, this isn't a privately run toy drive. Because I can understand, if a church is collecting, that you kinda expect things of the Christian variety. Okay. Makes sense. But Christians aren't the only people who celebrate a holiday this time of year, and the military isn't going to just give toys to Christian children.

Everytime one of these things happens, I ask myself -- when they're so astonished not everyone would want one of their religious gifts -- what these people would do if I gave their kids My First Goddess dolls.
posted by Zan at 5:46 PM 2 comments

Monday, November 13, 2006

This is NOT Southern Baptist 101. . .

What is faith, anyway? Belle's got an intriguing post which, of course, has made me get all thoughtful and ponderific, so I must muse a bit here. You've been warned.

My favorite Bible verse, although I can't tell you where exactly it is located in the book, is this one: "Be still and know that I Am God." There's lots of other good ones, but this is the one that can just cut through all the crap in my head and stop the craziness that comes. (And yeah, I know, pagans quoting the Bible? Favorably? Oh No! Fact is, I like quite a bit of that book, when you divorce it from the stupidity man has drown it in.)

So, why does this affect me? How does it reach in and give me a definate sense of peace, when just about everything about the modern church causes me to want to run screaming? Well, a lot of that has to do with the way I conceive of god. The god that I hear in this voice is NOT the god I was raised with, the angry old man out to get everyone who pisses him off. Uh, no. Mostly, the voice isn't even male, really. There isn't anger or fear or judgement in that voice for me. It's simple, calm.

God is not personified in any particular way for me. In fact, I rely on the word God out of convenience. It would be more accurate to say spirit or force or presence. God is in everything and everything is in God. We cannot be removed from it, it cannot be removed from us. We are I Am. Be still and know that I Am God and you are a part of me and I am a part of you and we are never alone so what is there to fear? It sparks connection, not with some larger than life Daddy in the sky, but with everything in existence, including whatever it is that's got my going in circles. I am my fear, my fear is me. Breath. See. Embrace that truth and there's nothing to be afraid of any longer.

I used to think of faith as a chart, with little categories and gold stars for good deeds and behaviour. Get enough stars and you win a prize! Salvation, heaven, escape from hellfire. But it's so exhausting measuring every moment of your life, every thought, every action, to make sure they match up. That you don't tell a lie, or swear at your mother or lust after the football player (or cheerleader). That you read your Bible every day, pray every night or feel really really bad about it if you don't. It's hard not living, because you're too afraid of dying forever after you die. And it separates you, it pulls down an iron curtain between you and the Divine that should not be there. It cuts you off from an essential part of yourself -- the part that is meant to live and breath and enjoy and revel in being ALIVE.

The more we think of ourselves as separate, as somehow special and chosen, the further removed we because from the source of happiness. I honestly believe that everyone, even the people we cannot stand, is born with a spark of divinity inside them. And it doesn't matter if you call it God or conscious or common sense or whatever. You don't have to give it any god-language at all, it doesn't matter. That impulse toward togetherness, toward connection, toward basic decency -- that's where it dwells. When we demand it be labeled Jesus or Allah or Buddah or Goddess or whatever, we do it and ourselves a disservice. It doesn't matter what name we give it or if we don't give it a name at all. It doesn't matter if we do not acknowledge it or believe it exists. It is the same, in all of us, because we are all part of each other.

It sounds hokey and New Agey and like I've been dropping too much acid, but it changes how I view the world. Seeing how we affect each other, how we ARE each other vanquishes forever the notion that I am ever alone. I am a strand and you are a strand and those that love me are strands and those that hate me are strands and strangers are strands and friends are strands and we are woven together to make this web of life and we are never alone, are never forgotten, are never too weak or too lost to begin again, to stand up, to be powerful and unafraid.
posted by Zan at 7:28 PM 7 comments

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Attack of the Red-Headed Scottish Meme!!

Blame Jules. I do :)

1. Name the person who tagged you
2. 8 things about you
3. Tag 6 people.

1. I am an amateur astrologer. I do charts for fun, but not profit. My own chart is so weighted with water signs, it's enough to drown a small nation. My sun is Scorpio, my moon is Cancer and my ascendent is Pisces. Which means I'm more emotionally attuned than your average bear, believe me. I have absolutely NO earth signs in any of my houses, which is a bad thing, because it means I'm not very grounded. Which is true enough, and it has caused me no end of grief over my life. (Also, I have Mars and Venus both in Scorpio. Love and War in the most volitale sign on the wheel? Yeah, that's never gonna be a problem Bah.)

2. Every once and awhile, I think my biological clock starts to tick. For about ten seconds, then it realizes what it's doing and shuts down fast. I'm 32 and sometimes, I think if I'm going to have a child, I should do it soon. And now that I'm in a much more stable job, with really good benefits, it seems to be an increasingly better time to have a child. However, my health issues are not small and well, there's the problem of having no partner. And so, my bio clock goes back to sleep. Good clock. Sleeeep.

3. I've grown increasingly irritated with the calibur of horror movies we're churning out. I adore horror movies, especially creature flicks. However, lately, it seems all Hollywood wants to give us are slasher flicks. Now, I like a decent slasher as much as the next girl, but these films that are nothing but gore and female victimization? Uh, no. What the hell is going on? It is possible to tell a scary, creepy story without turning a woman into a head on a stick, ya know? Anyone remember Hitchcock? Fucking scary and all the gory stuff was kept off-screen. The blood down the drain in Psycho? Classic. Subtle. And fucking sweet! Make me movies like that and I'll be in the theatre all the damned time.

4. I don't think the iTunes random play is really random. I keep having the same damn songs pop up. Now, I like these songs. They're in my iTunes, ya know? But come on...I've got over 1200 songs and the same 50 keep coming up randomly? I don't think so.

5. I have a secret wish to play drums, but I'm so uncoordinated I'd knock myself out before I could sit down. It's true and very sad, since I'd otherwise be an awesome musician. You know, if I had an ounce of talent.

6. I have gigantic feet. Really, I wear a size 11W. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find decent shoes in that size? It is not easy, at all. When I find shoes that I like, that I can afford, I buy every pair I can. Because it's so damned hard to find them. I mean, I know there are lots of us out there, so why the hell is it so hard to find shoes in the right size? Funnily enough, you cannot look at me feet and tell what size they are. They do not look like giant feet. They look proportional to the rest of me, which they are. Everyone guesses I wear about a size 9. Gods, that I wore a size 9! WalMart, the bastards, recently reorganized how they shelves shoes. It used to be broken apart by size, now it's broken apart by style. I believe they did this so they could disguise the fact that they've stopped carrying anything above a size 10. Bastards.

7. I need to start dating again. I want to, but I've not done it in so long, I'm not sure how to go about it. And I'm in a new town, where I know no one. I'd like someone to hang out with and go to concerts with -- oh god! The concerts going on around this place!! So many bands I want to see, but no one to go see them with me. I'm beginning to think I'm going to end up a lonely old woman. *sniffle* And seriously, I need to get laid. Like, really badly. *sigh*

8. I'm becoming a goddamned optimist. I don't know how this happened to me. Good medication, a sudden surge of good luck, but seriously, I don't feel so despondant and hopeless anymore. In fact, I tend to believe things are going to work itself out in the end, even when I'm having a moment of outrage. Well, everything but my non-existant sex life anyway.

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posted by Zan at 6:21 PM 3 comments

Is this what happy feels like?

As a newly minted state employee, I cannot officially publically support or endorse any political candidate or party. However, I can say that I feel just....bubbly...over the results of the election. And while it may seem that I feel this way because many, many people of a certain political party were elected yesterday, it is in fact not so. No. No, I'm merely bubbly because so many people who happen to agree with me on so very many issues were elected yesterday. Has nothing to do with their party at all. I'm all about the issues, folks. Because, as a newly minted state employee, I can go on and on about ISSUES. Just not about candidates or parties. So, you see, I'm bubbly because the Forces of Not-So-Evil-As-That-Other-Guy have shifted the balance of power -- or so it seems.

I had orientation at work today. Oh my god. I'm never had a two hour orientation before. There was so much paperwork and I have soooo many things to go over and consider about medical insurance and oy! And, I found out I cannot openly, publically support or endorse or raise money for any political candidate or party. Can't even put a bumper sticker on my car. But, say, if I wanted to support particular ISSUES -- that's cool. So, I can be all over the place pro-choice, I just can't say "I'm going to vote for Candidate X because she supports reproductive rights." Which is kinda silly to me, because if I'm telling you I'm strictly pro-choice, that pretty much tells you who I'm endorsing, doesn't it? But, whatever. I can talk politics without discussing parties. I mean, come on, it's pretty damn clear which parties align with which issues, isn't it? Oh well. Details. They can save your ass sometimes, ya know.

Anyway, let's see....I feel a little like I'm falling down on the job, not ranting enough, but right now I'm just too damned happy to rant. Sorry?

Don't worry. Someone will do something to piss me off soon enough. They always do :) Until them, I'm still getting used to the town. I'm checking out the local Unitarian church this weekend. They've got a pagan group, it seems. They're doing a winter solstice thing that I should check out. Plus, they've got a GLBT group that meets regularly. So maybe I can find myself a girlfriend ;) Also, I'm contemplating checking out the local paranormal society. Go looking for ghosts ;) Booooo.....
posted by Zan at 5:51 PM 3 comments

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Is it wrong. . .

That I'm watching the election results come in and chanting to myself "Kick 'em out, kick 'me out, kick 'em out"?
posted by Zan at 9:49 PM 3 comments

Monday, November 06, 2006

Not Dead Yet

Although, moving tried, very very very hard to kill me.

Oy gods. Remind me not to move for another few years, k? But, I'm in my new apartment, started my new job today and am settling into my new town. I must say, I'm quite pleased with this place. I love my apartment. It's much bigger than my old place and much, much nicer. The cat has finally calmed down and decided she wants to stay here, my neighbors seem nice enough and I've located a decent chinese place, found two Super Walmarts, two SuperTargets, one huge movie theatre, the Petco and a decent radio station. Oh, and I went to one of the malls that's near my house. So, it's looking to be a decent enough place. And now that I have my internet access again, I feel almost human ;)

But seriously, moving? I hate it. I really, really do. I was in sooooo much pain Thursday and Friday, I thought I was going to collapse. But I was better by Saturday (yeah for the birthday!) and now I'm about as close to 100 percent as I get. I'm also covered in bruises! I look like someone's been beating on me, but no. I just moved. (I happen to bruise terribly easily, thanks to the Lupus. Grr. Seriously, I was going to wear a skirt my first day today, but I couldn't because my legs are various shades of black, blue and purple.)

I really like my apartment. I'm so excited by little things, like central air. And a dishwasher. The floors are carpet, which should be easier for me to keep clean. I love, love, love wooden floors but I have a problem keeping them clean. Vacuuming, on the other hand, is really easy.

I think the people at Direct TV are trying to make me crazy. They were supposed to come set up my tv Friday and I was sooo excited because that meant I wouldn't miss any Dr. Who or Battlestar. But...they didn't show up! So I called them today and they went to my old address! So, I get set up for them to come here -- and they can't be here until Nov. 25. Seriously. I"m very annoyed with them. Because when they called me last week to confirm my order, they had the wrong address. And I told them so and corrected it. And they STILL went to the old address. *sigh*

But, other than that, things are going well here. I had a very quiet birthday, spent alone. But I did some shopping and got to roam the town a bit, so that was fun. Got myself some movies from Blockbuster and spent the day relaxing and recovering from the move.

And tomorrow is a holiday for me :) Because I work for the state and it's an election day. Ha. Then, I get Friday off too -- which gives me a three day weekend. Because Friday is Veteran's Day. Then I get two days off for Thanksgiving -- for another four day weekend. Mwhaha. I loves this state work :) I do, I do.

So, I'll be around to bug you all again. Fear not. Or fear a lot, whichever you prefer :)
posted by Zan at 5:20 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Try not to miss me too much

My brother and dad are coming with a UHaul at 4 p.m. today to pack up my apartment and get ready to take me to the new one in Baton Rouge. I won't have DSL there until next Monday, so try not to miss me too much while I'm gone, no? But miss me, cause it'll make me feel special :)

Oh, and Saturday is my birthday. I'll be a whopping 32. Go me! Presents are always in vogue, you know. Just saying :)

I've still got a few things to throw in boxes before they get here, but it's only 7 a.m. and there isn't much left to pack. A few shelves and my bathroom closet. Gotta run through another load of laundry and that's about it. I spent yesterday running around getting things cut off and turned on and slowly losing my mind. Oh, and as of last night, the guy in my new apartment who was supposed to move out hasn't. He was still there! My landlord called me last night to tell me. But the guy said he'd be out today, so we'll see. He's gotta be out by tomorrow because that's when I'm showing up. I have the damned contract in my name, saying the place is mine, so he needs to get his shit out!. Grr. And really, the Direct TV people are going to show up on Friday to put my system in. Hmp.

But, this will be okay. He's got until about 9 a.m. Thursday morning to get his shit out. Because that's when I'll be there. So hmp. Just...grrr. It annoys me. I mean, it took me forever to get my electric, etc. turned on because he never got it turned off! *sigh* Well, no, of course not, because he was still in the house. And he knew I had rented the place, so I don't know what his problem is. He's got to give the landlord time to clean it before I move in tomorrow. What the hell is he thinking? Grr.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to tossing things into boxes and putting trash at the curb. I'll be back next Monday, so don't burn down the internets while I'm gone. Also, try not to push the button on yet another Flaming Feminists of Doom! War while I'm gone. Don't wanna miss anything :)
posted by Zan at 7:03 AM 6 comments