Butterfly Cauldron

My mother believes I've never allowed myself to be happy.

She says she doesn't know why that is. She says she doesn't know why I don't always seem to believe she loves me. And, I could explain it all to her, but I'm not sure she'd understand.

I was raised in a very conservative Southern Baptist Church, by parents who were and who remain wholly devoted to their faith. It is their very breath, my mother has said, and she is not exaggerating. Our lives revolved around the church when I was a child. We went at least three times a week: Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. Our weekends were generally filled with church-related activities: youth rallies, revivals, prayer meetings. My friends were made at church. The first time a boy actively hit on me was at church. The first concert I attended was a church concert. The first play I performed in was a church play. The church and it's teaching were the core of my life.

So, when the teachers tell you that Jesus loves you, you believe it. And when they tell you that Jesus will also send you to Hell, you believe that too. That these things were incompatible never seemed to occur to anyone else, but they certainly occured to me.

My mother would never understand that the very thing that gives her such great peace is the source of my greatest pains. She'd never understand that being told, repeatedly, that I was not worthy of God's love made me feel I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. After all, if God couldn't love me, how could any human being? If I deserved to die and then to burn eternally in Hellfire, regardless of my sincere desire to be good, to do good, then how was anything I could ever possibly do good enough? How could I ever be good enough? How could I ever try hard enough? I threw myself into Bible study, into prayer. I begged God to love me, to accept me, to tell me I was Good Enough.

But that never happened. No matter how much I tried to assure myself that I had done all the right things, I had prayed all the right prayers, I had opened myself completely to God. That fear never went away. That terror that still wakes me in the middle of the night -- that Jesus has come again and I've been left alone, abandoned, forgotten. Because I wasn't Enough. I could never be Enough. God loves me, but I'm going to Hell. My sins, such as they were, were too great. I was too broken. I was too unlovable, too unsalvagable.

What could an 8-year-old child do that was so horrible she could never be forgiven? I didn't know, but I was sure I had done it. I was 8 when my first phobia manifested. I became terribly afraid of water. Why water? I don't know. But I was stricken with a certainty that something, some demon was going to come up the pipes while I took a shower or a bath. I used to grab my cat and my radio, go into the bathroom and lock the door, run a bath, turn the music up really loud and then lay on the floor, sobbing into my cat's fur, too petrified to actually get into the water. But I knew I couldn't tell my parents. I was certain they'd tell me I was being stupid. I was certain they'd tell me no such thing could happen. But, if demons were real -- and the Bible said they were -- then why couldn't it happen? Why couldn't a demon decide to possess me? It had happened in the Bible, to people who were seemingly innocent. And I, well I was worse than that. I was certain of it. I'd been told. I'd been taught. No one is good enough for God. No one deserves to go to Heaven. We all deserve to burn forever. I deserved to burn forever. So why not a demon?

So I didn't tell my parents and I continued to go to church. Three, four, sometimes seven times a week or more. Year after year, drummed into my head: You're bad. You're broken. You're a sinner. Sin is evil, therefore, you are evil. All the tacked on platitudes that God will save me anyway, if I just do what he wants meant nothing. I was doing what God wanted! So where was my peace? Where my rest? My parents had it. My brother had it. Everyone else around me had it. But it was not for me. Was I one of those the Bible spoke about, the ones whose hearts God would harden? The ones God had given all the chances allowed too, so that even if I begged on my knees, even if I ripped out my hair and gashed out my eyes, he would refuse me? It says that, you know. That God has a limit to the number of chances he'll give a person to be saved. And, I was told, you never know how many you're going to get. You? Maybe you get only one chance. That guy over there? Maybe God gives him 100. No one knows and when your chances are up, they're up. It's Hellfire for you, even if you realize you're wrong. Even if you beg, even if you plead, even if you sacrifice yourself on the altar, God won't care. He won't hear you. Because you're evil, you're rotten, you deserve to burn.

All the other stories? The ones about Jesus loving people, the ones about the shephard leaving his flock to search out one single lost lamb and bring it home to safety? Those stories didn't make sense, not in the face of a God who would randomly cut people off. How could God care so much about one single lamb, when he didn't really give a damn about that other lamb over there? And how could you know which lamb you were? It was impossible!

And they said, God is a Father. An eternal, immortal parent. Parents are supposed to love you, to protect you, care for you. They are not supposed to decide some of their children deserve to burn forever, while others get to loll about Heaven. And if your God Parent can't be counted on to love you, to protect you, to keep you from eternal damnation, how can you count on your human parents? Aren't they much more failable? Aren't they much more fickle? If a single lie told by my 8-year-old self was enough to make God cast me into fire -- a fire where I would not actually die, but live, feeling the fire and the pain and the agony, over and over and over for eternity -- then what would it make my human parents do to me? No. No. I had to try harder, I had to be better, I had to find something, some way to be better, to be worthy. But it was impossible, because the Bible said so.

And this haunts me. No matter how much therapy I do, no matter how much processing or talking it out or reasoning through I do, it haunts me. No matter that I've rejected it all, it's still there. And so, no. I don't always believe my mother loves me. On one level, I know that she does, of course. On one level, I don't doubt it. So long as I do what I'm supposed to do. So long as she doesn't find out about the ways my life differs from what she thinks it is. I doubt anyone really, genuinely loves me -- not once they know who I really am. Not once they find out where I diverge from the path. I am constantly, eternally on edge -- even when I'm not consciously aware of it -- that I may wake up and everyone will Know Me and that they'll leave. The trumpet will sound and *poof* they're all gone, scooped up by that vicious God, leaving me abandoned and alone.

So there it is, why I have such a hard time being happy. Every bad thing in my life, some part of me believes I deserve it for being such a rotten, horrible person. And I blame my parents for it, even though I know they didn't realize what they were doing, for sending me to church, over and over and over, despite my pleas not to go. My parents, whose only answer to the obvious suicidal depression I endured as a teenager was to send me to church MORE often. And I don't think I can tell my mother this, because I know it would break her heart.

Labels: childhood memories, childhood trauma, depression, family, fundies, mothers, pain, parents, religion, sadness

I have family in law enforcement and, generally, I have no problem with cops. However, in this case? Huge. Fucking. Problem.

Short version: A woman is raped and reports it to the police. While taking her statement, they do a routine background check on her and find out there's a warrant for her arrest. For a juvenile matter that's over four years old. What to do, what to do? Why, arrest the rape victim, of course! Book her, toss her in jail and -- wait, it gets better -- deny her emergency contraception. Despite the fact that she's got a valid 'script for it. Why? Because it's against your religious beliefs. And, she's in jail, where else is she going to get the damned thing filled?

Other people have tackled this already. See here,here and here.

I don't know what to say about this, except this is yet another reason I'm pro-choice. It's not about abortion. It's about being regarded as a living, breathing, worthy human being. It's about not being punished for having a vagina. It's about getting the medical treatment you need in the time you need it. It's about basic goddamn human dignity. How hard a concept is that to grasp?

How many times can one woman be victimized? I pray her familly gets her into counseling immediately. What these people did. . .it seems unimaginable to me. A victim of a violent crime comes in and you throw her in jail? (One of the many links about this I read today said the warrant was issued because she owed like $4500 in restitution for a juvenile offense. Which may have been a fucking clerical error. So, think about this, this woman's dignity and humanity was worth $4500 to these people. Fuck that.) Then, after you've got her in jail, you refuse to let her take medication she needs because your god doesn't like it?

Well, you know what? That god is an abusive bastard and utterly unworthy of worship or even fucking acknowledgement. It's followers are self-righteous pricks who deserve to understand, one day, all of the pain they've caused others.

Labels: abortion, fundies, outrage, Plan B, rape

I'm sure most of you have heard of these 'Quiverful' families -- people who believe in absolutely no birth control, in having as many children as is physically possible. Long the provience of of strict Catholics and polygomist sects, this movement is moving more into the mainstream of Protestant thought. It's creepy. Not the having lots of kids, although that's not my thing. Frankly, if you can take care of the kids, I'm not one to tell you how many to have. But the language used in thisarticle just skeeves me out. Seriously.

Some choice quotes:

Quiverfull beliefs are absolutist. Purists don’t permit even natural family planning methods, such as tracking fertility cycles (the only form of birth control condoned by the Roman Catholic Church). Also taboo: any form of artificial fertility treatment. “The point is to have a welcoming heart,” says Mary Pride, a mother of nine whose 1985 book, “The Way Home,” celebrated a return to traditional gender roles. It has sold about 80,000 copies and has inspired many quiverfull families. “You shouldn’t be unnatural in going to a fertility clinic or in trying to avoid having children by regulating when to have sex with your husband,” says Pride.

---

The anti-birth control message appears to be gaining ground among some evangelicals. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, has become one of its most prominent advocates. “If a couple sees children as an imposition, as something to be vaccinated against, like an illness, that betrays a deeply erroneous understanding of marriage and children,” says Mohler. “Children should be seen as good by default.”

---

Though Ken admits life isn’t always easy—last spring, all eight kids came down with chicken pox at once—he says the family became “exponentially happier” after relinquishing control of Devon’s womb to God. He’s counting on his eldest daughter Peyton, 12, to carry on the tradition. She “will stay under my covering until I turn her over in marriage to a God-honoring young man,” he says. Hopefully, he adds, they too will reap a full quiver.

Let's unpack this a bit, shall we? Who can spot the instances of devaluing a woman's right to control her own destiny? Anyone? Anyone? How about the pressure on a young girl to carry on a 'tradition' that her parents made up? Anyone see that? On, and don't forget, you can't decide not to have sex with your husband just because you don't want to have yet another baby this year. Shoulda thought about that before you got married, shouldn't you?

In order to have this kind of family, the mother is required to stay at home. It is simply impossible for her to work and take care of 8 or more children at the same time. However, Daddy's gotta work so much that he's not home much, so Mom takes on the bulk of child-rearing. Plus, she's homeschooling the kids, of course. Let's build up that sense of insolation, shall we? (Can anyone say Andrea Yates? I thought you could.)

I take issue with the notion of children as good, by default. Maybe for most people, they end up that way. But often that's because of a conscious choice on the part of the parent. For me, no, children would not be good by default. A child would be a huge impact on my health and probably would shorten the length of my life. I love that language -- vaccinate against! Oh, if only! Seriously, if we could come up with a vaccine that would make you infertile for what, five, six years at a time, would that not be a GOOD thing? We could end teenage pregnancy, bam! We could give men /and/women a seriously powerful method of planning their families. A freaking vaccine would be awesome, but alas, not in this guy's view. Oh well.

You know, these people never talk about relinquishing control of their reproductive organs to God. It's always, well it's the womb that must be given over. Why? Why isn't it the damned sperm that must be given up? Why isn't Ken talking about relinquishing control of his penis to God?

And frankly, poor Peyton is going to need a ticket to the Underground Sisterhood Railroad in a few years. Listen to the language her father uses to talk about here -- that's now how you talk about a person, that's how you talk about a possession. He's literally going to 'turn her over'. For gods sake, people! This isn't a spare key, you know. It's your child, a living, breathing person who will have her own ideas and desires. What if she doesn't want to have any children? What if she's a lesbian? Or asexual? What if she wants to go to college and skip marriage altogether? What if she wants to make porn, for gods sake? She's got rights, as a person, that go way beyond being covered by daddy and then handed off to hubby.

These people freak me out, because I can just imagine how many closet Quiverfuls live around me, thinking -- oh, if only I could find a woman willing to let me stick it in unwrapped and pop out baby after baby! Gah.

Labels: fundies, sex, stupid people

So, I've been reading lots of stuff about this Jesus Camp movie -- check out my previous post for a clip -- and there's lots of reaction from fundamentalist Christians who are offended by the way the religious are portrayed in the film. Now, I will admit upfront that I haven't seen the whole film. I've only seen clips and read interviews from the participants and film makers. However, from what I've seen, I think I know what the problem is.

These people don't know they're fucking scary.

I've seen this played out in my own family. There's a certain 'code' that fundamentalists talk in. They make lots of allusions to warfare. Most of them mean 'spiritual' warfare, not physical. But that comfort with military themes, with the terms of death and destruction is scary to the rest of us. It's particularly scary to those of us who grew up in fundamentalism, because we know, we've seen first hand, how that absolute belief in owning the truth can manifest in actions that harm other people.

Most of the time, those actions aren't intentional. Or at least, they aren't done out of malice, per se. I honestly believe most fundamentalists do not actively hate people who are not of their faith. Because I don't think they really think about it that deeply. Most of them believe, in a rather passive way, that They are saved. They are right. They have a message other people need to hear. The world is against Them, it is out to destroy their faith and make them fall. (Although, how that's possible if they honestly believe, I don't know.)

So, when this preacher is telling the children they are frauds and hypocrites, she's not trying to hurt them. (She does, but that's not her true intent.) In her mind, she's administering 'tough love". Sure, it may hurt for the moment, but it'll be good for them in the end. It's like the shot of penicillin to cure your strep throat. It doesn't feel good, but in the end you'll be glad you got it. Only, this treatment is way more damaging than a momentary shot could ever be. At the age these kids are, their minds are pretty much malleable. They can learn to trust others, to treat other people as equals deserving respect or they can be instilled with fear of The Other, taught to attack those unlike them, to always be on the defensive. Whatever gets taught to them is going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

But the fundamentalists like those in this movie don't see it that way. They don't realize they're teaching fear. (Which is in direct contradiction to the Bible, btw. There's that verse that specifically says God is not the author of fear, that anything that envokes fear is not of God. But hey, why pay attention to that when there are Sinners to Terrorize?) They believe they are teaching survival skills, because they believe the world is going to end shortly.

We all have a certain image of ourselves that is, often, at odds with the way other people see us. This movie is like a mirror for some of these people. They don't see themselves the way they are on film. And so, because that's not how they see themselves, they immediately say the flimmakers have an agenda, they're biased. I've had this happen to me with people I've interviewed. They're not misquoted, their words are not twisted or altered and yet they don't like the way they sound in print. Because they don't realize how they sound to other people, they don't realize how what they do/say actually affects other people.

If they're lucky, or at least willing to accept the possiblity that they were not set up, maybe the people in this film can get a clue about why the rest of us think they're so fucking scary. (Because they are?) If you say you want to see Christian children as willing to die and kill as radicals in other countrys, what exactly do you think people are going to say? That it sounds like a good idea?

Anyway, I think we need more films like this and I think it's important that they not be altered or slanted in any way. It's not necessary. These people are scary, they are as bad (or at least have the capacity to be as bad) as any fundamentalist in any other religion and it's time the majority of this country realized that.

Labels: fundies, Jesus Camp, religion

So, there's this new film out called "Jesus Camp." There's a clip on iFilm.

It hurts me to even watch that. I'm sitting here, my stomach is starting to churn, I'm feeling sick and lightheaded. Gods, that's the exact same shit I went through. Look at those kids. Look how young they are. See how they're crying? That was me. That was me starting from about the age of 8. I was sent to church camp every summer, there were Youth rallies at least once a month, Sunday School every Sunday, Discipleship Training every Sunday, Girls in Action every Wednesday. There were the revivals every year. All of it like that, all of it so emotional and forceful and so many times there'd be someone, someone in charge who'd stand up just like and make that sort of pronouncment. God is telling me people here are fake. They're phony. They need to rededicate.

How many times did I go to the altar? How many times did I beg God to please, please, please just change me, just make me good? How many times did I cry myself to sleep at night, knowing I'd never make it?

I remember, quite clearly, one night at our youth group. It was almost time for class to be over and the leader had us all kneel in front of our chairs and then turned the light out. So it was dark in this room, with probably a dozen teenagers kneeling in front of metal folding chairs. And our leader started talking, this huge voice in a small, dark room. How many of you are saved? How many of you need to find Jesus? If you die tonight, if some drunk hits your car on the way home, will you end up in Heaven? Or will you burn in Hell forever? Then, he paused. Now, I don't want anyone to feel any pressure. If you're not ready to accept Jesus, just get up and leave.

Just get up and leave? How?? It was pitch black in that room, but the light would come on again. And everyone would know that I had left, that I was lost, that I didn't want Jesus. That I was going to Hell. Everyone would know I was broken and bad. So I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave, even though I wanted nothing more than to get out of that room, away from that voice in the dark, away from those people trying to force me into being someone I wasn't, from those people who didn't understand me or love me or care about anything but there holy mission to make my life miserable.

If anyone tells you this damned film is a misrepresentation of what's going on, don't believe them. That clip is dead-on. It's not an exaggeration, it's not an isolated incident. It's happening all the time, all over the place in this country. If you can still manage to believe in God after watching it, pray for those children. They're going to need a lot of help to heal the damage that's being done to them.

Labels: childhood trauma, fundies, religion

I'm afraid to be 'feminine'.

I don't mean I'm afraid to be girly, because I'm not -- I just don't like being girly. That's not true to who I am. I mean 'feminine' -- vulnerable, nurturing, forgiving. All those stereotypical things I was taught a woman is supposed to be. For the longest time, that didn't bother me. But lately, I'm beginning to feel cut off from parts of myself that I know, instinctively, will make me stronger, more complete.

I'm better than I used to be, with being 'feminine'. (And I realize, the word may not mean to others what it does to me. That's fine. I'm just dealing with my own issue here.) I'm learning there's a very specific sort of peace in being able to forgive people for the hurt they've done to me, even if they don't realize they hurt me or even if they never realize they've been forgiven. I've begun to realize my capacity for nurturing and helping people heal is actually a gift, not a burden I'm forced to bear because I was born with two X chromosomes.

I had never considered my inborn sense of justice and fairness to be nurturing before. I'd always assumed it was something...different. Because I was always told that, for a woman to be nurturing, she had to have children or tend a home or be a nurse or a teacher or something stereotypically feminine.

I've never really doubted I was strong. Or smart. Or capable. But I've never thought of myself as a nurturer. Is that strange? I don't know. I know I grew up wanting my life to look nothing like my mother's. Not that my mother's life is bad. In fact, her life is pretty sweet. She's been married to my father for 35 years, they're happy, her children are both responsible, productive adults. She has friends, a job she likes, a granddaughter she absolutely adores. I'm sure she'd say she's got just the life she wants, and I'm glad she does. But when I was growing up -- things were different.

I think we learn most from the people closest to us. And when I was a girl, my mother had a problem saying no. Not to me, unfortunately, but to everyone else. She taught Sunday School, she was the head of the Social Committee, she was always, always, always cooking for...someone. Anyone, really. She did all sorts of things at our school, whatever anyone asked her to do -- she did it. She felt that she could not tell anyone no. (I understand her motivation. She wanted everyone to like her, because her own father was an abusive asshole who was disappointed she was a girl, not a boy, and never let her forget it.)

And she was miserable. Completely, totally, miserable. She was also very depressed, but I couldn't know that as a child. So, what I saw, was my Mother giving all her time and energy to these projects and people who never told her they appreciated what she did, who often times didn't even ask her to help, just assumed she would and I never, ever saw her stand up to them and tell them to stop. She would cry at home, but she'd be all smiles around them. The stress would get to her and she'd snap at us (my brother and I, although mostly me since I was the one expressing the most disagreement). To a child, it seemed an easy situation. She was unhappy, I wanted to be happy. Therefore, I would do the opposite of what she did.

My father worked offshore until just before I graduated high school. He would usually work two weeks away, then be home for two weeks. It was like I lived two different lives. When Dad was gone, my mother was less stressed. We'd have ceral for supper, or cinnamon rolls or pancakes or whatever we wanted. We'd watch movies or cartoons or go visit my grandparents. She wasn't as concerned about having the house look Just So. She wasn't concerned about what we were wearing, so long as it was clean and covered everything. It was just much, much more relaxed with my father away at work.

When Dad came home, the world flipped. Suddenly, my mother was all about making sure everything was perfect. The house had to be clean, supper had to be hot every night, we had to dress better, we had to go and do whatever my father wanted. The stress level jumped about a dozen notches. Suddenly, we couldn't watch what we wanted on t.v. Suddenly, we were going to visit my father's friends, who didn't have kids and I'd never meet before, so I'd sit there bored out of my mind for hours on end. For a child, that's a big deal. I saw my mother as two different people. On, when she was with us, I liked. She was fun. The other, when my dad was around, eh. She wasn't all that much fun. Partially, I'm sure it was because I was a child and wanted all my mother's attention. That's pretty normal. But partially, I felt that I was supposed to immulate this behaviour. Like I was supposed to drop everything and mold myself to fit his (and by extension, any man) expectations of his family.

So, again, following kid logic I decided -- this did not make me happy. I want to be happy. Ergo, I'll do the opposite.

Unfortunately, it's been that way the rest of my life. Even as I get older and realize the compromises necessary in any relationship, somewhere inside me I'm that little girl, thinking she doesn't want to mold herself into someone else to make someone else happy. A little girl whose mother was held up as what it means to be feminine and a woman.

So, this all makes me angry. I've got this block inside me, keeping me from parts of myself that I want to get to, dammit. To parts of me what I'm not afraid of anymore, and yet....it's still there. I know life and relationships are about finding balance. That's what I'm trying to do, I suppose. Find the balance between who I really am and the assumptions I've been engrained with.

(Frankly, I'm starting to feel like a basketcase when I read what I'm writing. I don't think I'm really that messed up, but sometimes? Eh. I'm not sure.)

Labels: childhood memories, fundies, gender, religion

When I was younger, I had a terrible temper. I mean, it was on a razor-thin tripwire and could explode at any time. As I've gotten older, it's subsided some, reserved now for things that truely deserve anger. I've also gotten better at dealing with it, because I've accepted and embraced it. Contrary to what I was taught, my anger is a source of power for me. If I can get angry at something, there's no limit to what I can do to change it.

Example: I was diagnosed a few years ago with Lupus, a chronic auto-immune disease that really runs roughshod over my life at time. Because it took years to get a diagnosis, at first I was elated. It had a name. I wasn't crazy. Then, when I realized just how much medication I was going to have to take (14 pills per day to start with), how much I was going to have to alter my life, how long I was going to have to do this (uh, forever) -- I got very depressed. Which is a perfectly normal reaction. When people get sick, they expect to either get better or die. They don't expect to live in limbo for the rest of their lives. So, for probably about a year I was very depressed about being sick, about being the only person I know with this illness, about how it made me feel, about how my family wasn't really able to understand or accept that I was NOT going to get better...Which is also a prefectly normal reaction, although I didn't think so at the time.

Then, at some point, I got angry. I got really angry. I got angry at my body, I got angry at God, I got angry at my family, I got angry at the whole damn world and I got very, very angry at this damned disease for stealing my life. I got angry and sick of it all and refused to put up with it anymore.

And I started to get better. Literally, within days, there was a detectable difference in my pain levels, in my exhaustion, in my attitude, even in my damned test results.

Anger for me works like a fire, one that turns me into steel. I have this image in my head of my spine being coated in steel, of something in me waking up and saying "Enough of this shit." If I can get angry, I can get better. Period. It's powerful and, yes, can be dangerous if not applied wisely.

I was taught that I wasn't supposed to be angry, so I repressed it for a long, long time. Or, I tried to, but the thing with power is it won't be ignored. If you won't use it the way it wants to be, it'll find other ways to manifest. My very healthy anger, which is and was always triggered by injustice, turned itself into that hair-trigger my family was so afraid of. Instead of helping me find ways to express my anger healthily, I was sent to my room or told not to say that or that it was wrong to be angry and I should apologize. Which made me even more angry, thus perpetuating the cycle.

I've always felt it was perfectly ok to be angry with God. If something happened that pissed you off -- your Grandfather dies when you're 13, say -- if you want to yell at God, go ahead. I mean, isn't God big enough to take a little anger? From a grieving girl? This really alarmed my family. You're not supposed to question. You're not supposed to second-guess God! You're just supposed to be resigned and accepting of His will.

Bullshit. If we're supposed to have a real relationship with God, as the church is always saying, then it has to be real, not fake and one-sided. Name a single person you know personally that you've never been angry at. Name one you've never wanted to shake until they saw sense and reason. Those things happen in relationships and if it's a good one, they'll understand and not hold it against you.

I was a girl, in the South, so that was another reason I wasn't supposed to be angry. Because ladies didn't do that. Funny thing is, I have never had the desire to be a 'lady'. I want to be real, for gods sake! I want to be me, with all my flaws and gifts, in full-color. I want people to know me not some idealized version of me that makes them comfortable.

I know I scared my parents, in so many ways, when I was growing up. They were really unprepared to deal with this sulky, angry, misfit of a daughter. And because they were young when I was born, they reacted out of their own fear and tried to suppress a lot of what made them uncomfortable. They mellowed as they got older, but the lessons you learn as a young child are the ones that stick with you. They're also the ones that take the longest to reject, but sometimes you have to, otherwise you cut yourself off from sources of strength you'll need to survive.

Labels: childhood trauma, fundies, religion

Growing up in the grip of fundamentalist religion can only result in a few outcomes. One, you'll be a good fundy like you're taught you should, not because you really believe it, but because you're too terrified to do anything else. Two, you'll be a bad fundy, terrified constantly because you know it's crazy to expect a human being to live up to that crap. Three, you'll leave the church completely, never to darken its doors again and spend obscene amounts on therapy putting your life back together. Four, you give up and kill yourself, probably before you reach adulthood.

Myself, I took option three with a pretty close call at number four. I do my best to avoid thinking about the things I was taught, trying to live my life by my own principals. However, sometimes I see stuff like this and I have to say something.

Sadly, I don't find that letter the slightest bit surprising. Having sex when you've been told, over and over and over again, that you shouldn't. That it's painful. That you'll get pregnant. That you're life will be over -- well, it's not easy. It should be, shouldn't it? It's the simplest thing in the world, exploring with someone you love. And yet, I see so much of my younger self in that letter I want to cry.

I left home, and the church, when I was 17. I didn't have sex until I was 19, but during that time I was dating, seriously, one man for over a year. I knew I wanted to have sex with him in the first two weeks. But I didn't, for almost a year. Why? Partially, because I'm not the sort to just jump into bed with whoever. But mostly, it was because I couldn't. Not physically. But mentally, emotionally, spiritually even, I could not do it. I wanted to. I wanted his so badly it made my physically hurt. But I couldn't do it.

We came close over and over again. It must have been agonizing for him. I know it was agonising for me. I lost count of the times we'd end up in bed together, naked and ready, only to have me completely freak out at the last minute. I loved this man. I desired this man. I was so turned-on I was shaking. And I could not do it. We had protection, we had privacy, we had a committed relationship. And I couldn't do it. I would sit in bed and sob, because I wanted to and I couldn't and I didn't know why I couldn't.

During that time I sat and thought hard over what was going on and I realized -- even if we'd been married, I couldn't have had sex with him. The very thought of having sex panicked me. My heart would race, I couldn't breath, I felt trapped, I was terrified. I would have full-blown panic attacks and my poor boyfriend didn't know what to do for me. He wasn't asking me to do anything kinky. He wasn't asking me to do anything unusual. He wasn't asking me to do a damned thing I didn't want to do, but I couldn't do it.

Sex had been painted as this important, life-altering, traumatic event. I wasn't abused as a child. I wasn't raped or molested or had anyone so much as look at me inappropriately. Physically, I had never been abused. But emotionally? Emotionally I was tormented constantly. Repress your desires. Repress your longings. Don't think about men. Don't think about sex. Don't think about anything physical. If you do, you're bad. Damaged. Broken. No one will want you. No one will love you. You'll be all alone and you'll deserve it.

I don't know if I can explain how horrible it was for me, being completely incapable of having sex with the person I loved more than anyone else. I don't know if I can explain how broken that made me feel. I don't know if I can explain how it made me feel like a failure. He never said anything cruel to me about it. He was nothing but supportive and understanding. He never once attempted to make me do anything. When I said stop, he stopped, no hesitation, no question. And that, eventually, is what helped me get over it. If he'd once attempted to coerce or talk me into it when I'd said no, I'd have walked out and been justified in it. But he never did. Instead, he let me take control. We only did what I was able to do. Instead of sex, we'd take showers together or we'd bathe together or we'd just lay naked together, touching and kissing but not having sex. Because I was terrifed of penetration (all those stories of bleeding and pain and sobbing wedding nights had done a number on me), we started slow, just fingertips or tongue, until I was ready to try more. Because I was crazy afraid of becoming pregnant, he was willing to use any contraception I wanted him to. (The boy was willing to wear two condoms at a time, if it made me feel safer. Compare that to so many men who don't even wanna use one ever...Such men don't deserve to have sex. Ever.)

I was able, after a full year of slowly building up to it, to overcome the revulsion my family's faith had created in me for sex. And it wasn't amazing or anything, but it wasn't the terror I was expecting it to be. Because I'd had time, I was with someone who was patient and loving and who geniunely wanted me as I was, not just a body to use for pleasure. I cannot imagine being a "good" girl who doesn't do more than kiss or hold hands before the wedding and then going right into sex immediately. I could never have done it, and I wasn't really that invested in retaining my good girl status. A lot of the things I did with my boyfriend would have gotten me kicked outta lots of churchs. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to masturbate. (And the guilt I had from that is a whole different post in itself.) Good Fundy Girls do not shower with men before marriage. They do not let him run his hands over and into their naked body. They do not sleep naked together without a wedding ring -- and they really shouldn't do it then either. And if I hadn't done all those things before the actual Act itself? I'd have never been able to do it at all.

And now? Now I've found myself on a spiritual path that celebrates the physical body. Still not one for casual hook-ups, but no more hang-ups about sexuality anymore. And I grieve for the girl I was and for all those girls growing in with those same beliefs today who are going to go through what I went through. For those who aren't going to ever be able to reconcile what they were taught with what they want. For those that will, but only by leaving completely the life and family they've created. For alll those people that think it's okay to live a life where you can't enjoy your body, can't enjoy the sensations it's capable of, because....why? I still don't know why.

Labels: childhood trauma, fundies, religion, sex

Some people just don't get it, really. Gay marriage is not a threat to..well, anything..but certainly not to religious freedom. No one is asking any church to recognize gay marriages. No one is legislating that. And hey, you know what? No one is saying that religious nuts can't say all the nasty things they want about gay people -- even if it makes my skin crawl.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Religious conservative leaders, sensing declining alarm over same-sex marriage, are warning that the debate over homosexuality has prompted attacks on religious freedom.
By expanding the discussion from marriage to religious expression, social conservatives say they will reconnect with religious voters and religious leaders who don’t necessarily view same-sex unions as a threat.

Ah, I see. Because they won't respond to your carrot anymore, it's time to...lie? Hear that sound? That Baby Jesus crying.

Perkins and others are building a case file of anecdotes where they say religious people have spoken out against gay marriage only to be punished. Perkins specifically cited the decision by Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich in June to fire his appointee to the Washington area transit board after the board member referred to homosexuals as “persons of sexual deviancy.”
The board member, Robert J. Smith, said he was expressing his personal beliefs as a Roman Catholic.
The subject of religious expression will be the main theme of an Oct. 15 gathering in Boston of conservative religious and political leaders that will be broadcast to churches nationally.

Let's see...was the man speaking as a private citizen? Or was he speaking in his capacity as a representative of the state? Because those are two very different things. If he was just hanging out with friends, having a few drinks or whatever and makes his comment (stupid as it is) well...whatever. But something in me doubts that's what happened. If it was, there wouldn't be a reporter around to hear it. And so, I have a feeling, he made this comment in some public forum where he was clearly identifiable as a state rep. Which means, yeah, that's not acceptable speech. Because you're functioning as a representative of the government, not as a private individual. These people would like to argue there's no distinction, but come on. If I'm writing a story for the newspaper about pro-lifers and I call them "forced breeders" because that's my personal belief, are they gonna let that go? No, they're not. And they shouldn't, because it is my obligation as a journalist not to let my personal beliefs color my reporting. Now, if I say on this blog, as a private individual, that pro-lifers are all moronic, egomanical, force-childbirth idiots -- well, sorry. That's me speaking as a private individual, not as a professional. There are lines to these things and anyone involved in any kind of public life better know that and respect it or get the fuck outta public life.

So, basically, Perkins (who is from Louisiana, of course. The man ran for governor and my parents voted for him. But they're not fundamentalists!!) is finding he can't get any more mileage out of the anti-gay marriage hubub and is looking for ways to lie and spin to scare people into voting against their best interests this November. Blah.

Labels: fundies, homosexuality, marriage, religion

The depth of my loathing for these people knows no bounds. I'd like it if were possible to use existing legislation to bust 'em outta existence, but, alas, this will have to do for now.


WASHINGTON (AP) — The Internal Revenue Service has revoked the tax-exempt status of the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue West for prohibited political activity during the 2004 election.

President Troy Newman said the Wichita, Kan., group, now known as Operation Rescue, relinquished its charitable status and reorganized more than a year ago.

“We gave it back. We didn’t fight any sort of deal,” he said.

The laws that permit some organizations to organize as tax-exempt entities also bar them from participating in or intervening in elections, including advocating for or against any candidate.

The IRS revoked the group’s tax-exempt status last week, and it was reported Friday by The New York Times.

The tax agency said earlier this year that it found violations in three of four churches, charities and other civic groups suspected of running afoul of restraints on political activity. It did not identify any of those organizations.

Most of those examinations found only a single, isolated incident of prohibited campaign activity. In a few cases, they found flagrant violations of the law.

IRS Commissioner Mark Everson called the amount of political intervention discovered through their examinations “disturbing” for the impact it could have on the integrity of churches and charities.

The examinations looked at only a tiny fraction of the more than 1 million tax-exempt groups organized under section 501(c)(3) of the tax law.

Labels: abortion, fundies

That's another little gem I gleaned from my visit with them this weekend. They're not fundamentalists, because there are other people more fundy than they are.

Apparently there's a church in the neighborhood that's been becoming popular and they refuse to go, because those people are fundamentalists. And, they probably are. But that doesn't mean my family isn't as well. They're just not as rigid as other sects are. Frankly, Southern Baptist by definition are fundamentalists.

I've got a lot of problem with the SB church -- as anyone whose read here knows. Some people interpret that to mean I'm hostile to Christianity. I'm not, necessarily. I do oppose certain forms of the religion because I believe it does a great deal of harm. Of course, I'm also opposed to certain forms of other religions for the same reason. Any belief system that tells it's adherents it's okay to hurt others is not an okay system. It's not okay to feel justified in inflicting emotional, social or physical harm on another human being because your god told you it was ok. Any belief system that is predicated on the idea that humans are unworthy, broken creatures is not ok. Any belief system that denies the inherent dignity of humanity is no ok.

I take issue with reading any holy book as literal and inerrant. To do that is to raise the book, which was written and edited by human beings, to the level of diety. And, no matter how much I adore the written word, it's not on the same level with god. It's become a tenent of the SB church that the Bible is literal and inerrant -- which breaks the commandment not to create any idols. Because by elevating the Bible to such a level -- isn't the only perfect truth supposed to be God? -- they're turning it into an idol, placing it on equal footing with god. Which is a no-no by their own teachings.

Futhermore, this insistance on literal meaning strips layers of meaning and history from any text. It dumbs down the population and kills critical thinking skills. A literal understanding is a surface understanding, its the sort of understanding you'd expect from a child who hasn't developed more nuanced reasoning skills yet. For a child, that's fine. A child is going to grow and develop and obtain the ability to reason and think critically. But for adults to reject any nuanced reading of a text in favor of a strictly literal one? That's madness.

It suggest to me a weak faith. How strong can your faith be if you must have everything literal? You're setting yourself up for a huge fall -- and cause thinking people to reject you out of hand. Plus, you're creating a very, very fragile basket for your faith. If Jesus has to literally be born of a virgin, what happens to your faith when someone comes along and proves it didn't happen? Or not even prove it, but just gives you enough alternate possiblities that you doubt it? If there has to be a literal, physical ressurection, what are you going to do if someone finds Jesus' bones?

A literal faith doesn't have room to grow or expand. It's trapped by the box it's built in. It's also more likely to be suffocated by collapsing under its own weight. The belief that everything in the Bible has to be literally true -- or it's all false -- makes no sense to me. Why? We don't expect that of anything else in our lives. If we have a best friend who is honest and trustworthy, but one time -- one time -- they tell us a lie, we don't assume that everything they've ever said to us was false. If your child does something out of line, you don't assume that everything they've ever done was equally out of line, do you? It doesn't make any sense to do that, because we understand that one event does not necessarily reflect badly (or well) on any other event, unless those events are specifically related.

When I stop and think about it -- when I'm not pissed off by something they've said or done -- I genuinely feel sorry for people bound in this type of thinking. How much of their lives are bounded off because they insist upon literal, black-n-white meaning? How much of the nuances and colors of life to they miss out on? I'm sure they don't want my sympathy and doubtlessly think I'm lost and hopeless, but the further away from this sort of thinking I stay, the happier and saner I am.

Labels: family, fundies, religion

I think there are basically two types of people in the world -- those who believe people are essentially good and decent and those that believe people are inherently flawed and evil. I tend to fall into the good and decent category, which makes it difficult for me to have conversations with people who fall into the other category on the topic of faith and religion. I don't look at the world as black and white, as one extreme or the other. In nearly every situation, circumstance has a large bearing on meaning and morality. Things do not have to be literal to be true, they can be literal and quite false.

I spent most of the day with my family today. I love my family, but we disagree on matters of faith. Not so much on matters of morality, but faith. Here's a secret most people don't seem to know: You can be pagan and believe in Jesus. You can be pagan and attempt to live your life by Jesus' teaching. We let you do that, it's cool. You cannot, however, be a 'Christian' and embrace parts of paganism. (Which is really funny, considering how much Christianity 'borrowed' from paganism.) So, I, personally, really like Jesus. He had some really great ideas and they got him killed, which is often the case with enlightened beings. I don't even have a problem with claims of Jesus' divinity -- I believe we are all part of God, all born with a spark of divinity inside us. Some of us are just better at developing and honoring that divinity than others. Some of us never develop or honor it at all, but that doesn't mean it's not there. So, Jesus and me? We're cool. It's the idiots who've come along and twisted his very simple teachings into...whatever the hell is passing for Christianity these days that I have a problem with. And I ran smack into an example of that today at lunch.

First, a little more background. My brother is a youth minister, my uncle is a preacher, my father is a deacon and my mother is a Sunday School teacher, all Southern Baptist. Okay. So, my brother is talking to my uncle about this woman at his church. Apparently, she's one of these controlling type of people, you know, the sort that always needs to be in charge, that doesn't like any idea unless it's hers, that sort of thing. Well, she's been causing problems at their church. He didn't say what exactly, just that she was insisting on being in charge a lot, trash talking church programs in public -- if she wasn't allowed to be in charge. Which isn't cool, but still....So, my brother and one of the other church leaders was going to go talk with her about it, because it had become a serious problem. Except, the day before they were going to talk to her about it -- she had a stroke. Now, to me, this seems like a horrible thing, but it hasn't got anything to do with God. The woman had a stroke. She was an older woman and well, people have strokes all the time. She's in the hospital, going through rehab and will be out of commission for quite awhile. Which means she won't be able to be really involved in church leadership for quite some time. Which is sad for her, but again, what does that have to do with God? Ah, well, according to my brother, "God took care of it for us."

Yes, that's right. My brother and uncle and, apparently, my mother believe that God caused this woman to have a stroke, because she was being controlling. Their God is apparently a bully, who smites down people who get in His way. (Although, was she really in his way? Maybe She was right and my brother was wrong. Maybe she wasn't struck by God, but by Satan!!)

There's a little bit of conversation about problem people in the church and more comments about how "God will take care of them." And them my uncle, who had always seemed rather reasonable to me, said "I wouldn't mind conducting a few more funerals for them."

No. Shit.

He basically said he wouldn't mind if God KILLED the people in his church who give him grief.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. What???

I just kind of looked at him and shook my head. And they wonder why I won't go back to church? (My mother did try to get me to go to church THREE times today. THREE times in maybe six hours!)

See, this is what I mean. My family is on the people-are-basically-nasty side of the fence. They see people as inherently sinful and broken, intentionally trying to do bad and cause trouble. Or, they see people as victims of Satan, used to thwart God's will. And so, those people, God can remove from this world and well, that's just what happens, see?

I always want to ask them, what if you're wrong? What if it's you that is thwarting the will of God? They're so certain they're not, but how do they know? No one goes around (not anyone with a true belief in God, anyway) actively thinking "Hey, I'm gonna fuck up God's will today!" Everyone just assumes that what they're doing is the right, good thing to do. But if they are right, and other people are doing things differently, then those people must be wrong. And if they're wrong? Well, God can just kill them.

See, this pisses me off. It does a disservice to humanity and to God. How can you possibly love your fellow man if you believe, in any way, that it's okay for him to be killed at random? How can you possibly love God if you believe he/she is the sort of diety what would do that? You cannot love someone you fear and you'd have to fear a god you believed not only capable of such action, but one who has no reservation about doing so. That belief reduces God to an ordinary abusive parent.

And really, if a behavior is wrong in a human -- no parent would get away with killing their child just because they did something that displeased them. We throw those people in jail. -- how can a behavior be acceptable in a Diety? Isn't God better than humans? Doesn't he/she adhere to a higher standard?

I think part of the reason they believe this is because they believe they, themselves, are capable of vile deeds. After all, they believe they were born flawed and evil, unworthy of love or acceptance. (This is literally what I was taught as a child in my parents Southern Baptist Church.) And, if man is made in the image of God and they are capable of such horror, then it stands to reason that God too is capable of such things. The problem is, they got it backwards. (In my, not terribly humble opinion.) God/dess is capable of much, much better things than most of us can imagine. And, because we are all born with Her spark inside us, so are we. Because we are born good and decent, we are capable of love and compassion and empathy and connection. I think Diety grieves when we forget that -- but she's not about to strike us dead because of it.

Labels: family, fundies, religion

You make a deal with the devil, and the devil wants his due. The fundies who put those Monkies in the White House are upset that Plan B may soon be available over the counter. Of course they are. Because women being able to control their fertility through any method but abstinance pisses them off.

WASHINGTON (AP) — Anti-abortion groups are urging President Bush to withdraw his nominee to head the Food and Drug Administration, angry that the agency may allow nonprescription sales of the morning-after pill.

Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach already is facing a roadblock from the other side of that issue. Democrats are upset that the FDA has long delayed settling the three-year debate over whether at least some women could buy the emergency contraceptive without a doctor’s note.

Amid the political accusations, the FDA is contacting both the anti-abortion groups and their main opponent, Planned Parenthood, to hear their last-minute arguments over the fate of the drug, called Plan B.

“I gave them an earful,” said Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, which has led opposition to nonprescription sales of the emergency contraceptive. She believes that her earlier input, during an official public comment period, was ignored.

“It is very late in the game and that adds to our fury over this,” Wright said.

Her earlier input was ignored? I'm sorry, didn't she get what she wanted? Hasn't the FDA stalled and stalled and stalled some more in letting women purchase a research-tested, perfectly legal medication? Didn't she get what she wanted in all those pregnancies that could have been avoided but ended in abortion were concieved anyway? Didn't she get what she wanted in the fears and panic of all those women who had to endure those pregnancies and/or abortions? I mean, that is what she wants, isn't it? Oh sure, maybe not in a blatant, pre-thoughtout way, but that's what her policies will allow to happen. The truth is, condoms break. People get stupid and have sex without protection. It's dumb, it's arguably irresponsible, but it's no reason to force them into parenthood when they're not ready. Nor is it a reason to force them to undergo an abortion when they're not ready. And yes, I realize no one is literally putting a gun to women's heads, but come on. If you don't have the economic or emotional resources to carry, deliver and raise a child, that's force too.

“If the president pushes for this nominee, he is only going to undercut the support his own party needs in the elections,” said Paul Chaim Schenck, director of the National Pro-Life Action Center.

If we don't get what we want, we won't vote for you again! Then see how you like it when those evil Democrats take over and women get to have sex, sex, sex all the time and don't have to pop out babies!

Plan B is a high dose of a drug found in many regular birth control pills that, taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex, can lower the risk of pregnancy by up to 89 percent. If a woman already is pregnant, the pills have no effect.

The pills prevent ovulation or fertilization of an egg. They also may prevent a fertilized egg from implanting into the uterus, considered the medical definition of pregnancy, although recent research suggests that’s not likely. However, if true, pill opponents argue that would be tantamount to abortion.

A year ago, the FDA indefinitely postponed a decision on Plan B, saying it needed to determine how to enforce age restrictions on the drug’s sales, a process that would require the writing of new regulations.

On July 31, von Eschenbach told Plan B manufacturer Barr Pharmaceuticals Inc. that step was no longer necessary. He said the FDA would consider allowing nonprescription sales of Plan B, but only for adult women. It would remain prescription-only for those 17 and younger.

Dear, Gods! Did a news report actually get the details of Plan B correct? No proof it prevents implantation? No effect on already existing pregnancies? Perish the thought of truth!

And it's annoying that young girls need to have 'scripts, but it's also fairly simple to get around. I'd happily buy pills for any of my young cousins that need them, and they know that already. Still, it's not a complete win. And it's still not a done deal. So who knows? Maybe the forced-pregnancy forces will win anyway.

Labels: birth control, feminism, fundies, politics, religion

I'm certain that's in my Bible. Of course, the whole pagan thing may make my Bible untrustworthy.

Once again, the legal system has struck down the invoking of Jesus' name in public prayers. If you're opening the city council session with a prayer (which frankly, I think we shouldn't be doing anyway), you cannot pray to Jesus specifically. Or, you can, you just can't say so. Why? Because you're speaking for a government body, not yourself. Even if you're a preacher and insist you're speaking on your own behalf.


RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — A federal judge dismissed a Fredericksburg City Council member’s lawsuit challenging the council’s nonsectarian prayer policy.

Judge James R. Spencer ruled that prayers delivered at the start of council meetings are “government speech” and therefore cannot promote Christianity or any other specific religion.

The council adopted its policy last year after one of its members, the Rev. Hashmel Turner, insisted on invoking the name of Jesus Christ whenever he gave the opening prayer. The American Civil Liberties Union of Virginia had threatened to sue if the practice continued.

Instead it was Turner who filed suit. He claimed that he offers his prayer as an individual, not on behalf of the entire council, and that the new policy impermissibly restricts his speech based on his religious viewpoint.

Spencer disagreed, noting that the opening prayer is listed on the council’s agenda and that it cannot be delivered until the speaker — an elected official — is recognized by the mayor, who presides over the meetings.

“Contrary to Councilor Turner’s assertions, the ultimate responsibility for the content of the speech rests upon the City Council on whose behalf the prayer is offered,” Spencer wrote in an opinion issued late Monday.

Kent Willis, executive director of the ACLU of Virginia, said he was pleased with the decision.

“This ruling does not affect Reverend Turner’s right to deliver sectarian prayers at any time other than the few moments that he’s the voice of the Fredericksburg City Council,” Willis said.

The Rutherford Institute, a conservative group that often takes on religious freedom cases, is backing Turner’s lawsuit. John W. Whitehead, president of the Charlottesville-based organization, said Spencer’s ruling will be appealed to the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals and, if necessary, the U.S. Supreme Court.

“I had no expectation we’d win at the first level,” Whitehead said. “The fundamental question is: This government speech doctrine, how far are we going to let that go? How far is the Supreme Court going to let it go?”

Spencer cited several higher court rulings to support his position that “legislative prayers” must be nonsectarian to avoid violating the U.S. Constitution’s establishment clause, which prohibits government promotion of one religion over others.
Whitehead said, however, that there are fundamental differences between the facts in Turner’s case and those in the cases cited by the judge.

“We think this is viewpoint discrimination,” he said.

Turner, a minister at the First Baptist Church of Love, was re-elected to a second four-year term in May. The council removed him from the prayer rotation after he refused to alter his invocation.

I seriously want to see what happens when a witch or pagan wants to offer a prayer to the Goddess at a council meeting...Oh. Wait. that already happened. Even though she had no intention of mention Goddess, she was refused because her believes are pre-Christian. But that's not discrimination. And I'm sure Rev. Turner wouldn't have a problem with her being denied her right to free speech....because, you know, it's all about Jesus. Even though he specifically said not to pray in public, but to pray in secret. Clearly, the Lord God misspoke and needs to be corrected by the fine Christians of this world.

Labels: fundies, prayer, religion

This may be the clearest explaination of the fundamentalist mindset I've come across yet. Even after growing up in the middle of it, I find it hard to articulate exactly how foreign their worldview is to outsiders.

First, you're born wrong. Corrupted. You're never going to be a good person, not on your own. Sure, you may do good things, but that doesn't make you good. Nothing in this world can make you good. In the fundamentalist world, Mother Theresa is burning in hell because she wasn't a "born-again" Christian, she was just Catholic. Also in the fundamentalist world, a serial killer who accepts Jesus on his death bed is going to Heaven, regardless of the things he did in this life. That's how it works. People are powerless on their own. They cannot be anything other than sinful and corrupted. Moreover, they are joyful in their sin, making them even more wretched and vile. There is no complete list of sin, so you can never make certain what to avoid. The rule of thumb that I used when I was still involved in the church was this: If it makes you happy, and it isn't centered around the church, it's probably a sin. Or close to one, so you should confess anyway. It's standard procedure to pray for forgiveness for sins you weren't away you committed. Because you did committ some, being human and all.

Then, because you cannot be good on your own, it stands to reason that someone has to make you be good. That would be God's job. Now, God could do this by being loving and giving you rewards and being accepting. But no. That's not how it works in this world. You are punished for stepping out of line. Not just for major transgressions. No, for anything. Look at a man who is not your husband? Bad! You'll be zapped for that. Tell a lie to get out of detention? Ha! Punishment is on the way. Forgot to read your Bible? What are you, stupid? You are so going to get in trouble for that. And don't even think of skipping church. Even though you want to, even though you disagree with what's being taught. That just means you're not faithful enough. It just means you need to pray harder. You just need to be better. Because if you don't, you'll be punished. And how does God punish you? Well, that could be anything, really. That new promotion you didn't get? That was God. The car accident? God too. Not getting into the college you wanted? Should haven't sworn at your mother.

There are rules, so many rules. No one can follow them all. But if you don't follow them, then you could get cancer. Or your child could be sick. Or maybe your teenage daughter will get pregnant. All punishments from God. Nothing could just happen. No way you could be responsible for your actions. You can't be. You aren't good. You can't make good decisions. You have to be told what to do.

All other faiths are cults. Catholics? Not christians. Mormans? Definately a cult. Unitarians? Ha. Everyone goes to Heaven? Clearly, they must be of the Devil.

Oh, yes. The Devil. He's more powerful than you can ever imagine. Clearly, he's as powerful as God, otherwise why does the church spend so much time talking about Him and so little talking about God? Sit through a sermon on any given Sunday and you'll hear about sin and Satan and punishment. What you won't hear about, until the very end when they're trying to get you to come forward and be saved, is the God loves you. God Loves you? What sort of love is it that is going to send most people to Hell for eternity? What love is it that inflicts all this punishment? What love is it that tells you you were wrong from birth and there's no changing that fact?

They truely believe that, if left to their own devices, humans would do nothing but run around killing and raping and doing the worst things possible. Because they honestly believe that's our true nature. Our true natures is to be animals.

And that's why Fundi churchs are loosing young people at a rapid rate. Because no one can live like that. No one can stand the stress and the pain and the anger and the self-hatred for an entire lifetime, not if they really think about it. No one can look at their fellow human beings and see depraived animals constantly and remain sane. So, those of us who value our sanity run far, far, far away. Fast.

Labels: fundies, religion

Naturally, the homo-bigots can't leave anyone alone. Not even a gathering of medical professionals. Because, you see, being gay is a disease. Not a natural orientation. No, no. It's an illness and dammit, it needs to be classified as one again. Fuckers.

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — About two dozen protesters marched for an hour outside the American Psychological Association convention on Friday to protest the organization’s stand on homosexuality.

The group, which was sponsored by the conservative ministry Focus on the Family, was protesting what it sees as the APA’s views on the immutability of homosexuality.

“We disagree with the APA’s stand that people can’t change if they want to,” said Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a Los Angeles psychologist and president of the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. “If someone wants to change, they say, ‘No, this is you, you must learn to accept it.’ We say people have self determination, they can make a choice.”

In 1974, the APA ceased listing homosexuality as a mental disorder. The protesters demanded that the APA change its current position.

Dr. Clinton Anderson, director of the lesbian, gay and bisexual office of the APA, said the group’s position is that homosexuality is not an illness and therefore not in need of a cure. The association is not opposed to people who decide to try to change their sexual orientation if it’s an autonomous decision, but would question the motives for such a desire, he said.

“If someone wants to change their sexual orientation, we feel that may be because of an atmosphere that is prejudice against homosexuality,” Anderson said. “We are concerned it is a coercive choice that has to do with pressure from their family, their community, or their church.”

Marchers, who stayed outside the convention for an hour carrying signs reading “Don’t tell me I can’t change,” and “Diversity includes me,” among others, were people who had changed from homosexuality, Nicolosi said.

Nicolosi, who works with people wanting to change their sexuality, said that he has found about a third of his patients experience no change, a third have what he called “significant improvement.” and a third adopt a heterosexual life style.
“They marry and are cured,” Nicolosi said. “They may have an occasional attraction, but not a major or constant one.”

The protesters also had a petition for the APA from a group of psychologists to accept both “gay affirming therapists and reorientation therapists.”

The APA does not believe the claim by Nicolosi and others that there is scientific evidence that people can change their sexuality, Anderson said.

“There has never been a well designed study to show that people can change,” Anderson said. “Our concern about the so-called conversation therapy is that it isn’t supported by science. There is simply no sufficiently scientifically sound evidence that sexual orientation can be changed.”

You know, I was going to say something reasonable and rational about this. How people can choose behaviour, but that doesn't change orientation and blahblahblah. But you know what? Fuck that. My sexuality is not an abhoration. Nor it is deviant. It's a blessing and I'm sick of fucknuts like this telling me otherwise.

I love men. I love women. And what does that say about me, other than I can love either gender? Nothing. Period. Well, it could tell you I'm less bound to rigid social roles. Or that I'm more willing to look at people for who they are instead of what they are. But you know...

So, fuck off, okay? All you people out there who think there's something wrong with me because I can love a person with a penis or with a vagina, can just Shut.The.Hell.Up. A mental illness? Please. I've been mentally ill. Being bisexual doesn't even come close. Being bisexual is a blessing, not a deviation. Sexuality is a blessing, period. It's not dirty, it's not shameful, it's not something to deny. It can be comforting or intoxicating or bonding or just plain fun. So why don't you go try it and leave the rest of us alone already?

Labels: fundies, homosexuality, Katrina, New Orleans, religion

Even in my pseudo-Fundamentalist days, I never bought the claim that anyone chooses to be gay. It just doesn't make any sense, not in our society. Sure, that's slowly changing, but no rational person is going to decide to be gay in a society that treats homosexuals as second-class citizens or worse. I also never bought the idea that, well gay people can just choose to be celebate. Really? Is that fair? Some people find celibacy easy, others find it difficult or impossible. Why should they be denied the pleasure of sex? Why should someone have to lose their career because of who they love? Even when I was surrounded by Fundies, I always rebelled against the idea that God, who is supposed to be Love Itself, would treat his kids that way. And so, what do you if you're a preacher who happens to be gay? Who falls in love and wants to make a lifetime committment to your partner? Something like this:

ATLANTA (AP) — Keep quiet about his gay relationship or keep his promise to the church leadership.
That’s the choice the Rev. Bradley Schmeling faced after his relationship with his boyfriend grew into a lifelong commitment. And his decision could leave him defrocked and ousted from his Atlanta church or transform him into the latest poster pastor for gay rights.

When Schmeling became pastor of St. John’s Lutheran Church six years ago, his homosexuality was no secret to the hierarchy of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. He was also single then, so it didn’t pose as great a problem.

He promised Bishop Ronald Warren that, if his situation changed, he’d come forward. That promise came back to haunt him in March when Schmeling decided his relationship with his boyfriend had become a lifelong partnership.

At the church’s regional office in downtown Atlanta, Schmeling walked Warren through the history of his two-year relationship with his boyfriend.

“It was an issue of conscience and integrity,” Schmeling said. “I was fulfilling my promise to him, knowing full well the consequences.”

After he was finished, the bishop promptly asked Schmeling to resign. And Schmeling promptly refused.

This week, Warren responded by calling for a committee to review evidence, listen to witness testimony and ultimately decide whether to discipline the 43-year-old pastor.

As mainline Protestant denominations struggle over how to include gays and lesbians in their church services and on their pulpits, a more personal battle is being waged in local communities.

Lutherans Concerned, a gay rights group, estimates there are hundreds of Lutheran pastors reluctant to come out of the closet for fear of losing their jobs.

For those who choose to come out, the reaction varies by region. When a handful of pastors on the West Coast came forward, they faced no discipline. Schmeling’s case, however, is the first in the more conservative Southern region, and a test case for the entire denomination’s tolerance, said Emily Eastwood, executive director of Lutherans Concerned.

“It would be a travesty for the church to say he can’t be a pastor because he found a life partner,” she said.

Other mainline Protestant denominations are facing tough, divisive decisions of their own.

In June, the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) refused to change a church law that required clergy and lay officers to limit sex to heterosexual couples. But it also granted new leeway for local congregations to sidestep the rule and install gay ministers.
Tension over gay rights has threatened to split the Episcopal Church, following the 2003 consecration of the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire.

And at national Protestant assemblies throughout the summer, the traditional Christian prohibition on gay sex has frequently dominated discussion.

As the debate trickles down, local leaders face some of the toughest decisions.

Schmeling said he and the bishop enjoyed a warm, collegial relationship.

“It was not an easy decision for him,” Schmeling said. And although Warren wouldn’t comment on the case, he wrote in an open letter that he made the decision after a “lengthy process of prayerful discernment.”

The charges begin a formal process which could take months.

To Schmeling, who plans to remain as pastor of the 345-member church until a decision is made, it also offers a chance to tell the story of his church and defend its motto: To love gracefully and welcome unconditionally.

“Our church is determined to welcome everybody and not let the issue of homosexuality divide us,” he said. “There’s far too many people who are trying to draw lines, build walls between communities. We want to be a church that breaks down those walls.”

I, of course, side with the pastor. He's absolutely right when he said that the church, in it's best form, is here to build bridges and draw people together, not tear them apart. Love gracefully. Welcome unconditionally. Sorta like that Jesus guy did?

Anyway, I hope Schmeling is able to keep his post. I also wish he'd be able to marry his partner! Really, SS marriage would be the answer to the "objection" many "Christians" have to gays. They claim they can't committ and they're promiscious. But, they won't let them get married. I've heard the objection "It's not the orientation, its that sex outside of marriage is wrong." But we can't do anything to fix that, can we? Noooo...I could rant on this forever, and I may more later. But right now, I'm wondering just how happy it makes God when his children discriminate against themselves?

Labels: fundies, homosexuality, religion

I realize this is not new, but I was flipping through YouTube earlier and stumbled on this video of anti-choice protestors. They were asked what should happen to women who have abortions, should abortion be ruled illegal. Their answers are telling, as you'd expect. None of them had thought the issue through. None of them could see beyond the "poor babies." (And frankly, I wanna know where they get their sign info. Because those pictures are not typical of what an fetus looks like when terminated.)

The interviewer makes a very good point -- this would be a crime without a punishment. Which makes the whole point of making it illegal dumb. If I knew I wouldn't be punished if I had an abortion, why wouldn't I have one if I needed one? Of course, they're willing to punish the doctors who perform them and the people who drive women to their appointments, but not the women themselves. Exactly what other crime does that? Particularly one that results in the killing of another human being? I mean, if you're mugging someone on the street and accidently kill someone, you're still charged with murder regardless of the fact that you didn't start intending to kill anyone. (Or maybe you get charged with a lesser offense. I don't know. Depends on the state. Point is, you don't get a free pass.)

At least one women in this video admitted she'd never thought about what happens to the women, she only thought about the babies. How you can not think about what happens to the women is beyond me, seeing as how it's the women who are pregnant and deciding to abort. They're the ones who have to live with the outcome of any pregnancy. They're fucking central to the whole argument. Without them, hey, no abortion contraversy! Maybe these people think babies should grow on trees or something.

Frankly, this is the point I think pro-choicers should hammer home. You cannot outlaw abortion without punishing women. You cannot say abortion is the taking of a human life and then let those central to that action have a free pass. You cannot, logically, make the claim that a fetus is equal to a human and make its death less meaningful in the law. It doesn't work that way. Either it's a human life with all attendant rights or it's not. (Frankly, my personal view comes down somewhere in the middle on that issue, depending on the point of gestation. But the anti-choicers have polarized this issue so much that there's no room for compromise anymore.)

Women who have had abortions also need to be more open about them. At least, those women who in positions to talk about them should be. I understand that there are lots of women who have abortions in situations where it would be more dangerous for them to admit that. I know that if I'd had to have an abortion when I had my pregnancy scare, I'd never be able to talk to my family about it. And my family wouldn't do anything drastic or dangerous to me. But women who have had abortions, who can safely talk about them, should do so. Right now, the anti-choicers have control of the debate. They get to paint the face of abortion, even though the facts point out just how wrong they are.

Frankly, I'm praying for early menopause so I won't have to worry about accidental pregnancy. My mother started menopause in her late 30s, so I'm hoping I get lucky too. *sigh*

Labels: abortion, crime, fundies

No, ya freaks. I'm not posting any. I did have some taken, however.

I had my first mammogram today. Whoohoo.

At 31, I'm rather young to be getting my boobs squished and radiated, but three months of breast pain and a squishy lump sent me off to have my lovelies photographed. It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience, but it wasn't nearly as painful as I'd been lead to believe. Now, I simply have to wait for the results. Well, the results of the mammo and the blood work I got done Wednesday. On Tuesday, my doctor found protein in my urine, which is a not good thing, particularly when you've got Lupus. So, I'm waiting to find out if my kidneys are starting to screw up. In a way, it's kinda funny. I'm not sure which test should concern me most. Lumpy breasts or screwy kidneys? Where's a girl to put her focus? Either one could kill me, but neither likely will.

Anyway, while I was in the waiting room today the hospital had CNN on. And they were doing a report on the fighting going on in Israel and Lebanon. And the receptionist, a older Pentecostal lady, starts talking about how people should know better than to mess with Israel because that will only bring Jesus back faster. And everyone else in the waiting room, except me, started nodding and agreeing and going on and on about how sacred Israel is and how this is a sign of the end of the world and....I just kept thinking, "Shouldn't mess with Israel? How about we not mess with anyone? How about no one fire weapons at anyone else because it's wrong not because "God" said not to? How about we stop holding on to superstitious beliefs and start valuing people just because they're, oh I don't know, people? How about we stop holding some people to a set of standards because they're "chosen" and other people to another set because they're "condemned"?"

I realize I live in the middle of Jesusland, but...why do people insist on relating everything to their version of Christianity? It's terribly self-centered and small-minded. I remember growing up and talking to my mother about what I wanted to do when I grew up. I had lots of ideas and she never discouraged any of them. But she always said things like "Well, God could use a Christian lawyer." or "There's a need for good Christian journalists." Everything was qualified by being Christian. What, I couldn't just be a lawyer (didn't go that route, btw)? Or a reporter? Or an artist? Or a street sweeper? It wasn't good enough for me to do what I wanted with my life, I had to be following Gods' Plan (TM).

I wonder sometimes if my parents know how much they contributed to my resenting pretty much all things "Christian". (I say that because I've finally gotten to the point in my life where I can set the true Christian teachings/beliefs apart from this pseudo-Paulism that masquarades as Christian these days.) I wonder if they know how much their insisting I go to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays, every god-blessed week made me run, run, run far from church as soon as I got to college? I wonder if they know how uncomfortable and unhappy I was being compelled to go to church camp every summer, Youth Rallies every month, youth activities all the time? And I wonder if it would have mattered if they did. Because there's this strain of thought in fundy churches that, if you're uncomfortable, it's because the Holy Spirit is working on you to get saved. Instead of, oh, I don't know, you like to think for yourself. Or you don't like being in crowds or about lots of people or that you feel religious faith is a personal, private, not-for-public consumption affair?

When I had surgery in May, my mother asked me, before I went into the operating room, if I knew I'd go to heaven if I died on the table? Now, I believe I will. Or, well, I believe in the continuation of the soul in some form and I believe in a Goddess that loves me. So I could honestly answer yes. But if she knew why I could answer yes, she'd have been worried the whole time I was under. And I don't want her to worry, because I'm not worried. And if I'm not worried, why should she? I'd like to live in a world where conflict in another country, which is killing hundreds if not thousands, would be seen as something worthy of concern in it's own right. I'd like to live in a society where other people's pain is not important only in so much as it relates to your belief in a coming judgment. I'd like to live in a place where it wouldn't matter what a person believes, or what they don't believe, where people are valued for simple being. But I don't. I live in Jesusland, where everything centers around being "Christian" and anything or anyone that doesn't live up to that set of standards is either less-than or, usually, inconceivable.

Labels: fundies, medical care, war

Wanna freak out? Check out this post over at Feministe.

Short version: Men volunteer to marry single, pregnant women and act as a father to their children, to keep them from having an abortion. Women they don't know or have any relationship with. To stop them from having an abortion.

How could this possibly go wrong? Let me see....what sort of man volunteers to marry a woman he doesn't know, who is pregnant with another man's child? Maybe men who can't find wives/girlfriends/fuckbuddies on their own? Men who feel these women will owe them for saving them from a life of single motherhood or post-abortion stress syndrome? Owe them things like regular blow jobs, lots of fucking, maid service, cooking, cleaning...hell, maybe they'll even owe them a lifetime of ass-wiping!

And what's with the idea that all a woman needs in order to not abort is a man? Does it not occur to these people that these 'babies' have fathers already? That if the woman decides to carry to term, those fathers will have rights? That those fathers may not like these Grooms For Life and may, quite possibly, use the fact that the mother of said babies married a man she'd never meet before against her in a custody case? (I mean, how stable can a woman be if she'll tie the knot with any old fellow?)

Hey, here's an idea. How about instead of offering to marry these 'fallen women' you get off your ass and help create a society where she could give birth and raise her child on her own? How about you work to close the wage gap, reduce social penalties for single parents, work to provide affordable child care, work to provide affordable health care? No? It's easier to marry a woman in the hopes of crushing her self-esteem to the point where she knuckles under and caters to the whim of her Savior Groom?

For the record -- should I ever get pregnant as a single woman, no man need offer to marry me. I wouldn't expect it from the father of my child, much less some stranger off the street. Honestly, is there anything creepier or more insulting than this idea? The only reason a woman would abort is because there's no man in her life?? What.The.Fuck?

Wanna prevent abortion? Great! How about starting with real sex education, easy access to affordable contraception and a society that doesn't (hypocritically) look down and blame women who do become pregnant? How about creating a society that's truely pro-life and not this misognistic garbage?

Labels: abortion, fundies, outrage