Butterfly Cauldron

I was reading this post over at Feministe and it, of course, got me thinking.

I've already posted about my problems with power issues in hetero relationship, so now I'm going to pontificate on my issues with Dating While Fat.

The thing is, I like my body. I realize it's way beyond the socially accepted norm and I just don't care. Sure, sometimes (like when I've got PMS) I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see myself the way I think I should. But those days pass. Generally, I look at myself and think "That's one awesome woman." Because I am. So, my body isn't an issue for me. But it seems to be an issue for lots of men.

I cannot count the number of times I've been talking to a guy, via IM or off of some dating site, and we're all doing well and everything. And he asks for a pix, so I send one. And that's it. No more talking, no more paging. No more nothing. Just...it's like I no longer exist.

Now, I realize there needs to be a physical attraction for a relationship to work. And if you do not find me physically attractive, that's fine. I don't find everyone else in the world attractive either. But have the decency to not be an ass about it. When I'm talking to guys via IM or whatever, I'm really not looking for someone to hook up with that night. I'm also not necessarily looking for someone to be my SO. I really just want to meet people, maybe meet some new friends. So if we click, great. If we don't, fine. If you don't wanna be my boytoy, I don't fucking care, But when you get all shitty and just stop talking to me, when you were all about me five minutes earlier, you're being a prick and pissing me off.

Also, men who think I'm gonna give it up to 'em cause I'm a big girl? Fuck you. Or, more accurately, I won't fuck you. This post at Lynne's blog (she's awesome, btw) just makes me want to vomit. And it reinforces my deepest fears about men, in general. I want to trust them, but knowing that there are men who think these kind of things. . .and I know they exist. I've meet them. I just. . .want to stab them in the eyes with a pair of scissors.

Here's the thing: I'm a person, not a body. There's a difference. And if I meet a guy who just wants to fuck, he should just say so. I'm not desparate because I'm a big girl, but neither am I non-sexual. Maybe I just want to fuck him too. Maybe I don't want a relationship. Maybe we're both on the same page. But if any one thinks I'm a fucking HOG, they're not laying a hand on me.

It makes it very difficult for me to trust men who seem to show interest in me. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even notice a man who was actively flirting with me. It just doesn't register with me. It's almost like society has driven it into my head that no man would ever find me sexually appealing. I know this is wrong, because men have. But that's almost like an exception to the rule.

And I don't want to be someone's fetish. I don't want to be with a man who just wants to be with a big girl. Because, what happens if I lose weight? I'm not planning on it, but I've gotten sick in the past and lost quite a few pounds. Sure, it always comes back when I'm healthy again, but what if it didn't? Would the person I'm in love with dump me because I'm suddenly not his fetish?

I honestly don't understand the avoidance most men seem to have to bigger women. When I look at a guy, I'm not thinking "oh, I don't want him. He's got a spare tire." I mean, I understand on an individual basis that attraction is different. No problem. But, this lashing out against big women in general, it just makes no sense at all. So, I'm fat. So what? That's like deciding you don't like me because I wear glasses or because I'm tall or because my eyes are green. These things are all true, but to decide, based on one factor, that I'm not girlfriend material? It seems shady to me.

Maybe that's because I'm not much of a lookist myself. Honestly, a feature has to be really outstanding on a person for me to really notice. Or, I notice, it just doesn't get that much weight in my evaluating them. There are things I have preferences for (tall, dark hair, brown eyes, boys who wear eyeliner, Latinas(yum!), women who have curves) and things I really, really don't like (blue eyes! Don't ask me why. I just don't like 'em.) But the thing is, none of those things are dealbreakers. If I met a short, blue-eyed blonde, skinny as a rail who I just clicked with -- color me happy. I'd be amused by it, but I certainly wouldn't fight it. So why the problem for men with big girls?

(And don't give me that crap about health, either. If we're talking health issues, my Lupus is way, way, way bigger than my weight. And I don't want to have to break out my excellent other stats. So nyah.)

Anyway, the reaction (many) men have to big girls makes it difficult for me to trust them. And if you don't have trust, you can't have a relationship.

Labels: fat, relationships