Butterfly Cauldron

My life has taken a dramatically enjoyable upswing of late. Despite a few little annoyances, my life is turning up fantastic.

Point One -- Saturday, my Kady and I will undertake our first Solo Aunt/Niece undertaking. Her parents are bringing her down to see me, dropping her off and getting lost for the day. It will be just the Munchkin and me. We're going to the zoo. They're having a big festival there this weekend, so she can get her face painted and actually pet some of the animals. And there will be music for her to dance to. I will be the most awesome Aunt ever. Because I rock.

Point Two -- Sunday, I have a *gasp* date. Pause, ruminate, digest that, if you will. My perpetual single-status is in danger, maybe? He responded to a listing I have on collarme.com (Nifty BDSM site, if you don't know) and asked me an honest-to-goddess question about one of my non-BSDM interest. (As opposed to the guys who mail me with "Oh, please Mistress, make me your slave and beat me until I bleed. I only want to please you." Really? You don't even know me, idiot.) So, we talked on IM and on the phone and he's really kinda cool. We clicked and well . . . now we have a date. He's 30 (as opposed to 21), gainfully employed and a sub. My very own sub again. *happy sigh*

Point Three -- Next weekend, my friend Clara and I are going to New Orleans for the weekend. She, being the one with al the money, booked us a very ritzy hotel and we're going to see the Aquarium, the D-Day Museum, wander about the Quarter. Just be tourists for a few days. We desparately need this little vacation and I miss her. When I lived in Alexandria, she and I went out to lunch at least twice a week. Now, she's three hours away! *pout* If the Boy works out, I'm gonna invite him to spend some time with us down there, since he lives about 20 minutes outside of NO.

So, life is shaping up rather well. My adorable niece, a boytoy of my very own and a nice little vacation. My stars must be in alignment. (Or, ya know, the Universe got tired of me twisting it's balls into a knot. Details.)

Labels: friendship, fun

Ren's got some seriously fucked up shit going on and, in addition to making me want to deal out some righteous vengence on her behalf, it's got me thinking about friendship and well, how religion can fuck 'em up.

I'm picky with my friends. I get along with just about everyone, but I don't have a lot of friends, exactly. It suits me, because I'm a pretty private person and most people? They're not so good with keeping things private. But the friends I have have been my friends for decades. Once you are my friend, you are my friend for life. There are people who have moved away, who I haven't seen in years, who if they called me and said they were coming into town and needed a place to stay and they didn't know how long they needed it, I'd not even blink about letting the stay with me. To me, friendship is a committment as serious as any marriage vow. Unless a friend is about to do something dangerous, you do not ever rat them out. Even if what they're doing is something you don't agree with, even if you think they're going to get themselves hurt. You stand by them, you pick them up if they fall and you love them. You let them know that, no matter what they do, they are never going to be alone and they always have somewhere to go. That's just the way I'm made. (Although, I'm far less dramatic about it in rl :)

So, for me, having a friend convert to a more. . .vocal. . .religion is always frightening. Because it often causes me to come into conflict with this part of myself. Not, understand, because I think my friends and I have to have the same religious beliefs. But because the more fundamental a religion is, the more problems they have with me.

There are friends I've lost over the years because, after I left the church, our relationship devolved into them attempting to rope me back in. We go out to lunch, everything seems to be cool and then "So, Zan, when are you coming back to church?" Or we're picking a movie and it's "Oh, I can't see that movie because they swear and Jesus hates it when people swear. You know, Zan, you should really not swear like you do. It's not nice." (Because, ya know, Jesus was allll about holding up social norms and not rocking the boat. Uh huh.) Or I'm sleeping in Sunday mornings and "Oh, I'd like to sleep in Sunday mornings, but I've got my Christian duty to do." Every conversation, in other words, becomes an effort to not-so-subtly remind me the I need to go back to Church.

I've never had anyone do to me what happened to Ren, but that's mostly because I keep my mouth shut about things my family would not like to know about me around people who are likely to tell them. But then...what happens if my best friend decides to become a fundamentalist Catholic? And decides, oh god!, I can't let Zan keep being bisexual! That's an abomination! I know, I'll tell her family, who can then harrass her and roll out the drama and then she'll see the light. Oh and let's drop that whole pagan thing on them too. After all, it's for her own good.

I mean, it could happen. People have religious conversions all the time. I've had a few myself. So, everytime one of my friends tells me they've started going to church, I get a little nervous feeling inside. (And yeah, a lot of that is coming from my own issues and my own experiences. There are places in my life I am Not Going Back.)

When I was dating the ex seriously, he used to come home with me on the weekends and we'd go to church with my parents. Now, he was raised Catholic, but was basically an agnostic with atheistic leanings. And yet...yet everytime we walked into that church together, I could feel my insides start to curl up. What if he got struck with the godstick? I'd seen it happen before. What if my solidly rational boyfriend suddenly decided to become a raving fundy? What would that mean for our relationship? I knew, frankly, that I'd have to leave him. Because I cannot marry or date a fundamentalist. Period.

It never happened, of course, but that fear was always there. Because I've seen the power those religions have over their adherents. I've seen people go from normal, everyday people to out there religious zealots. And while it's great for the zealots, the people closest to them are often collateral damage. All while the new convert just shakes their head, saying they were only doing -whatever- because they wanted to -help-. It was only for your own good. I was only trying to share Jesus with you. I was only trying to substitute my judgement for yours. Why are you so upset?

Example -- Our family has been friends with Family X for years. They live down the road from us, we do potlucks and dinners and parties together all the time. Family X has three children. Youngest Son got 'saved' one day. Full-on, crazy alive for Jesus. Parents X were okay with this, although they were Catholics who occassionally attended the Baptist church in the neighborhood because it was nearby. Son X decides his parents are not saved and are going to hell. They do not live correctly. They drink beer sometimes. They swear sometimes. They fight sometimes. They are not properly religious. They are Catholic. And so, Son decides to TELL them they are wicked and damned and not living right and need to convert or burn. Unless they do so, he cannot associate with them. Because the Bible says not to be yoked with unbelievers. Convert or lose your child, ye sinners!

Parents X, upset, call my parents. My parents, while way too Baptist for my tastes, cannot believe Son X did this and so, my Father goes to have a talk with him. Gets him to calm down. Tries to get him to apologize and have relationship with Parents X. Son X is resistant, but eventually, they work things out. However, Son X still believes his family is damned and going to burn. Because they're Catholic and well, Catholics are all lost, ya know. They're not real Christians.

So, yeah. I've seen this sort of thing before. To me, it's just further proof that fundamentalist religion is evil. It is not of God, it is not of the good, it is a destructive force that needs to be eradicated from the planet. And yeah, I don't care which religion. If it's fundamentalist, it's gotta go.

(And there goes my chance of ever working for a political campaign. Good thing I never wanted to do that anyway.)

Labels: friendship, outrage, religion

What is it that pushes one person forward, but leaves another person content with what they have? Is it inborn or learned?

I've chronicled my own trip through illness, depression, whatever on and on here. And will again, I'm sure. But this post isn't about me. (Ha!) I have a friend, someone I love very much. He's the same age I am. In many ways, we're like twins. When we met, we have that spark of recognition you only get once or twice in a lifetime. We just clicked. Like we'd known each other forever.

He's got a lot of the same issues I have, even. Depression, possible chronic illness. (He thinks he's diabetic, but he won't go to the doctor because his father was severely diabetic and he had to watch him die.) Anyway, he's also brilliant and artistic. But he had some problems when we started college and lost his scholarships. So, he set out, for a semester at first, until he could get things straightened out. Well, that one semester has turned into nearly a decade now. He never finished college, he doesn't have a job, or a driver's license. He lives with another friend of ours, who doesn't require anything of him, really, except for him to be there for her as a friend. Free room and board, doesn't make him get a job, no paying for any of the bills. And that works for them.

But I wonder -- since I know he's still decidedly depressed and often unhappy -- what it is that keeps him from doing something different. So, he doesnt' want to go to college. Sure. It's not for everyone. But there are all sorts of things he could do. He's a talented writer and artist. And there's no reason he could do a simple, basic job -- fast food, retail, whatever. Sure, it's not glamarous, but you know, someone has to do those jobs, don't they? He'd need to learn how to drive and get a license -- so how hard is that? I'd teach him, his roommate would teach him. There's nothing really standing in his way of having at least a simple job. It would get him out of the house, which would go a long way to helping with his depression. Maybe he'd get a job with insurance, so he could get on medication for that depression. And find out if he is, in fact, diabetic or if those symptoms are in fact caused by his depression.

He operates out of fear, a lot. I understand that. I lived in fear for years, worried that the doctors would tell me that I was dying. That all those symptoms were dangerous, deadly. Probably cancer. I feared I'd never get a new job, never find love again, never have anything more than I had. And it was fucking hard to get past it, but something in me would not let me give up, even when I wanted to. Even when my brain is screaming just let me die already!

So what is it that is there for one person, but not for another? Why did I have that in me, even when I didn't want it, to find a way out of all that hell? Finish school, find a job, go to a doctor. Go to another doctor. And another one until someone finds out what the hell is wrong with me. Take some time to heal, let time cure all those emotional wounds. Take the chance, step outside, see what makes life worth living.

So why can't I give that to him? Why can't I convince him to come stay with me for awhile, get out of that place he's in, so that he can see there's more out there and that he can have it? Why can't I convince him he can stay with me while he goes back to school? (He's mentioned he wants to go to culinary school and there's one reallly close to my house.)

Why doesn't he want more? And I think he does want more. I think he wants a life of his own, where he has his own job and his own apartment and his own life and value and no more depression. So why can't I get through to him that he can have that? That there are people who've done it before and hey, I can show you the way out, if you want.

I know that you cannot force anyone to move before they're ready. I know that there were doubtlessly so very many friends who thought the same thing about me at one time. I get that. I just...hasn't he lived like that long enough?

Labels: depression, friendship

Home at last, a pot of fresh tea (white a cappella from Adagio which I highly recommend) and the intent to tackle another topic that's been on my mind lately: community.

I don't really have a community. I'd like one, in fact in some ways I long for one, but I don't have one. I have friends, of course, and family. Work acquaintances. But no place I feel really at home. I don't think I'm a particularly strange person, I just don't seem to fit where I am.

I miss having a place I belong. I miss having friends I can call at bizarre hours to talk about absolutely nothing. I miss being with people who believe in the same things I do, who can accept me as I am. That's part of the reason I blog and comment on other people's blogs. I have a need to connect, yet I'm also wary of trusting people too much. (It's so Enneagram Four I want to scream.) I'm trying to figure myself out, but how do you do that in isolation?

I don't seek out the isolation, but somehow -- here I am, again, after work, at home in my comfy 'jammies, waiting for my favorite tv shows to come on. And most of the time? Eh, I'm cool with that. I have only a limited interested in going out on a regular basis, plus I have an illness that requires me to rest more often than most people my age. (It really is fortunate I'm not much of a party girl, otherwise the limitations Lupus puts on my life would be impossible to live with.) So, where do I find a place I can be myself wholy and completely? Or at least even partially? Because I'm growing more and more dissatisified as I get older.

Obviously, life is not a television show. But I like the notion of creating your own family out of people you willingly choose. The problem is, I don't seem to meet people who really click with me. Well, not anymore. Twice in my life I've met people and it was like I'd known them forever, from the moment we saw each other. One of them was the first girl I fell in love with, the other is...well, we can't decide which of us is the evil twin, ya know? We share a brain. We think alike, we talk alike, we finish each other sentences. We have those conversations that go something like this:

*walks into room, sees S sitting there reading*
Z: Blue, I think.
S: Blue makes you want to kill someone.
Z: Yeah, but look at who I'd be killing.
S: Good point. Blue, then.
Z: *gives pointed look*
S: *smirks*
Z:*nods head*
S: So. Tacos for lunch?
Z: Sure

No one else has a clue what we're talking about, but it makes perfect sense to us. I mean, we had addressed the issue on the phone. Three weeks ago. And haven't spoken about it sense. Unfortunately, he livese in another town so we don't get to see each other very often.

I'm feeling more and more like a very square peg in a round hole universe. The more political I get, the more I really examine what I believe and want from my life, the less and less I connect with people around me. Yet, paradoxically, the more and more confident I become in myself, the more capable I become, the more I want to be around other people.

So, anyone around Louisiana feel like doing some community-building with me?

Labels: community, friendship