Butterfly Cauldron

Thursday, September 21, 2006

No Zan is an island

Home at last, a pot of fresh tea (white a cappella from Adagio which I highly recommend) and the intent to tackle another topic that's been on my mind lately: community.

I don't really have a community. I'd like one, in fact in some ways I long for one, but I don't have one. I have friends, of course, and family. Work acquaintances. But no place I feel really at home. I don't think I'm a particularly strange person, I just don't seem to fit where I am.

I miss having a place I belong. I miss having friends I can call at bizarre hours to talk about absolutely nothing. I miss being with people who believe in the same things I do, who can accept me as I am. That's part of the reason I blog and comment on other people's blogs. I have a need to connect, yet I'm also wary of trusting people too much. (It's so Enneagram Four I want to scream.) I'm trying to figure myself out, but how do you do that in isolation?

I don't seek out the isolation, but somehow -- here I am, again, after work, at home in my comfy 'jammies, waiting for my favorite tv shows to come on. And most of the time? Eh, I'm cool with that. I have only a limited interested in going out on a regular basis, plus I have an illness that requires me to rest more often than most people my age. (It really is fortunate I'm not much of a party girl, otherwise the limitations Lupus puts on my life would be impossible to live with.) So, where do I find a place I can be myself wholy and completely? Or at least even partially? Because I'm growing more and more dissatisified as I get older.

Obviously, life is not a television show. But I like the notion of creating your own family out of people you willingly choose. The problem is, I don't seem to meet people who really click with me. Well, not anymore. Twice in my life I've met people and it was like I'd known them forever, from the moment we saw each other. One of them was the first girl I fell in love with, the other is...well, we can't decide which of us is the evil twin, ya know? We share a brain. We think alike, we talk alike, we finish each other sentences. We have those conversations that go something like this:

*walks into room, sees S sitting there reading*
Z: Blue, I think.
S: Blue makes you want to kill someone.
Z: Yeah, but look at who I'd be killing.
S: Good point. Blue, then.
Z: *gives pointed look*
S: *smirks*
Z:*nods head*
S: So. Tacos for lunch?
Z: Sure

No one else has a clue what we're talking about, but it makes perfect sense to us. I mean, we had addressed the issue on the phone. Three weeks ago. And haven't spoken about it sense. Unfortunately, he livese in another town so we don't get to see each other very often.

I'm feeling more and more like a very square peg in a round hole universe. The more political I get, the more I really examine what I believe and want from my life, the less and less I connect with people around me. Yet, paradoxically, the more and more confident I become in myself, the more capable I become, the more I want to be around other people.

So, anyone around Louisiana feel like doing some community-building with me?

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posted by Zan at 5:55 PM

6 Comments:

You sound like me!
But it didn't hurt this time.

I wanted friends that were like family. Like Seinfeld, only w/out the pop-in. I thought if I just got out of my parents' house and lived near public transportation, I would get to know my neighbors and make friends. It didn't happen, and people rarely aknowledge each other on the street, so I've gotten used to ignoring them. I see volunteering as a foray into being part of my community. I don't want to think too far ahead or expect too much, as is my wont. I'm trying to stay calm and see what happens.

9:55 PM  

Seriously, I wish you lived closer :) We could totally hang out. And I don't do pop-ins. It's not polite :) (And I'm Southern, polite is important.) You always call first, even if you're in the car five minutes away.

7:19 AM  

That sounds awesome. My phone is usually off, but just knowing you called would do me a world of good. And I might not mind if it were people who really did just happen to be in the neighborhood or whom I was happy to see. I just can't feel trapped, and I mainly expected it from the fucking stalker fam.

If you move up here, we can totally hang. Just don't stand on the left on the escalators. And the "Subway" is the restaurant.

7:08 PM  

Also: aw.

7:08 PM  

And more aw: I'm yout blog buddy? Thanks a bunch.

That god of the day link has a Christian singles ad. What do they mean, wherechristiansmeet? Isn't a congregation a dating pool?

9:23 PM  

Of course you're a buddy! I likes ya, see :) And yeah, see, here's my thought on the dating pool thing....the site is for Christians who'd like to do things their church doesn't approve of...which is basically anything fun :) But you know, I'm a bit biased and all...

8:20 AM  

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