Thursday, September 21, 2006
No Zan is an island
I don't really have a community. I'd like one, in fact in some ways I long for one, but I don't have one. I have friends, of course, and family. Work acquaintances. But no place I feel really at home. I don't think I'm a particularly strange person, I just don't seem to fit where I am.
I miss having a place I belong. I miss having friends I can call at bizarre hours to talk about absolutely nothing. I miss being with people who believe in the same things I do, who can accept me as I am. That's part of the reason I blog and comment on other people's blogs. I have a need to connect, yet I'm also wary of trusting people too much. (It's so Enneagram Four I want to scream.) I'm trying to figure myself out, but how do you do that in isolation?
I don't seek out the isolation, but somehow -- here I am, again, after work, at home in my comfy 'jammies, waiting for my favorite tv shows to come on. And most of the time? Eh, I'm cool with that. I have only a limited interested in going out on a regular basis, plus I have an illness that requires me to rest more often than most people my age. (It really is fortunate I'm not much of a party girl, otherwise the limitations Lupus puts on my life would be impossible to live with.) So, where do I find a place I can be myself wholy and completely? Or at least even partially? Because I'm growing more and more dissatisified as I get older.
Obviously, life is not a television show. But I like the notion of creating your own family out of people you willingly choose. The problem is, I don't seem to meet people who really click with me. Well, not anymore. Twice in my life I've met people and it was like I'd known them forever, from the moment we saw each other. One of them was the first girl I fell in love with, the other is...well, we can't decide which of us is the evil twin, ya know? We share a brain. We think alike, we talk alike, we finish each other sentences. We have those conversations that go something like this:
*walks into room, sees S sitting there reading*
Z: Blue, I think.
S: Blue makes you want to kill someone.
Z: Yeah, but look at who I'd be killing.
S: Good point. Blue, then.
Z: *gives pointed look*
S: So. Tacos for lunch?
No one else has a clue what we're talking about, but it makes perfect sense to us. I mean, we had addressed the issue on the phone. Three weeks ago. And haven't spoken about it sense. Unfortunately, he livese in another town so we don't get to see each other very often.
I'm feeling more and more like a very square peg in a round hole universe. The more political I get, the more I really examine what I believe and want from my life, the less and less I connect with people around me. Yet, paradoxically, the more and more confident I become in myself, the more capable I become, the more I want to be around other people.
So, anyone around Louisiana feel like doing some community-building with me?