Butterfly Cauldron

Lately, I'm feeling rootless and...I don't know what the right word for it is. Disappointed, maybe. On one hand, I think it's a perfectly normal thing to go through. My life isn't exactly unfolding the way I planned it. No one's does, I know. And I know that everyone has problems that I can't see. It's just that, I don't care about other people's problems. I only care about mine. That's terrible selfish, I know. And in the grander scale, I do actually care. But right now? I don't really.

I'm afraid I've lost my passion for...everything. I'm not depressed, not like I used to be. And I've very grateful for that. But I'm not passionate about anything anymore. I don't have anything that I really love anymore. No one, nothing, no cause, no belief, nothing that really makes me want to...do anything. No motivation, really, except to find a job that will let me pay off my bills. Only, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to find a job that will pay me what I'm worth and I know I'm worth vastly more than I'm getting now, only...how do I find that? How do I go about that?

When I took my current job six years ago, it was the right choice. I was very sick, I needed to work, I need to be on my own. It was good for me then. Except, I grew rather quickly to hate it. It's a toxic place to work. It kills your motivation, your drive, your belief in yourself. I know I need to get out of it, only....I don't know how. I've looked for work, I've looked for places to go. But I just...can't seem to get my foot in the door. I've been on ONE interview in the last three/four years of looking....it's that bad. And it's not like I'm not qualified. I've got a MA, I've got almost seven years of job experience. I've had professionals look over my cover letters and resume and they all agree they look good. There's no good reason for me to not even get the damned interviews, but...I still can't get them. So what the fuck is going on?

I haven't been able to start paying my student loans yet. They're going to be insanely huge and I don't have the financial abililty to pay on them. I just don't. I want to. I really, really do. But I can't, not with the money I'm making. Not with my medical bills. So, what can I do? I've looked into seeing if I can get my medications for free from the drug companies, but because I have insurance, I can't. So...I have to pay for the pills, which means I don't have the money to pay for the loans...but I have to have the pills or I can't work, which means I wouldn't be able to pay for the pills which would mean I'd be sick all the time which would mean I couldn't work....it's this really sick cycle. And I feel very stuck.

On one hand, I know I'm not really stuck. In theory, I could just get into my car and drive off and start over somewhere else. But that won't solve the problem of all these damned bills piling up...*sigh* And it makes me so angry, because I worked so very hard to fix my credit. I got into some stupid trouble after college with credit cards. But I'm getting myself out and I've got my credit fixed and it's looking decent and now...it's all going to go back to hell again. I feel like I just can't win. I do what I'm supposed to. I work, I pay my bills, I don't cheat, I don't do all that crap....and what do I get? Stuck in this crappy job, in this crappy town, with crappy people (aside from my friends, of course) and I just can't seem to get out.

So how do I get unstuck? I'm really trying to figure this out. I'm willing to move anywhere, pretty much. Not to fucking South Dakota though. Not with that stupid abortion bill they just passed. Because you know, I really wanna live somewhere where the state thinks it owns my body.

Seriously, that whole issue is making me think of just going to get my damned tubes tied and be done with it. I really don't think I ever want children, but since I'm still fairly young I don't necessarily want to go under the knife just yet. Plus, with the Lupus avoiding unnecessary surgery is a good idea. But dammit...if this thing stands and other starts start to pass them, I'm going to have to do it. I just can't live with the thought of being forced into have a child I don't want. That's what people did to slaves and, you know, I rather thought we were free in this country. Silly me.

Actually, I think part of what's contributing to this downturn in my mood, aside from the very real RL factors, is the fucked up state of the world. Everything feels stuck. This damned war, this damned president who does whatever the hell he wants and gets away with it, Darth Cheney who shoots a man in the face and wonders what all the fuss is about, the spiralling spending our Elected Idiots are doing, this push to re-enslave women, pharmacists who like to deny women birth control, the damned Hurricanes that have destroyed my state and it's economy....it's all just too much. Sometimes, I just can't breath. There's just so much and I just....I don't even know where to start and it never seems to stop.

(The new post is below this one. Read away.)

Spin, spin little iTunes and tell me what to listen to today...

1. Medication -- Garbage
2. God -- Tori Amos
3. Serpentine -- Ani DiFranco
4. We Are -- Ana
5. Crucify -- Tori Amos
6. Everything in Its Own Time -- Indigo Girls
7. Shimmer -- Shawn Mullins
8. Pulling Teeth -- Green Day (Because it's not a Random 10 without Green Day!)
9. General Attitude -- Collective Soul
10. Fear -- Sarah McLachlan

And one to grow on:
11. Wicked Ways -- Gargage

Question: Is it possible for me to have a Random 10 without repeating at least one artist and having at least one Green Day song? I don't think so. I think my universe is set up in such a way as to make that impossible. Hrm. But actually, this is a pretty good list....and frankly, rather appropriate given my mental/physical state of late. Good job, little iTunes.

Here in Small Town, Deep South it's felt like spring for a month. It hasn't gotten below 55 in the days since the middle of December and I've just gone ahead and completely turned off my heater. It's not terribly uncommon down here, though I'm sure people who live in colder climes probably thinks that's bizarre.

But the spring I feel stirring is more metaphorical. Makes since, seeing as how it's Imbolic and all, but it sort of snuck up on me. I've been rather sick lately. Mentally and physically. Lots of pain, lots of fear and lots of paranoia. They all tie back into the Lupus and, if I can remember, I'll post a bit of an article I found linking Lupus to emotional freakouts. It's interesting.

But anyway. Back to spring. Like I said, I've been feeling bad lately. A very dark time, but I tend to have those. This one was very....unsettling. But the last few days have been better. I've been more in charge, more settled in my mind. The pain is still there, but my mind is coming back under my control. And I've been able to take some steps to do things I need to do to fix some of the problems in my life.

And it snuck up on me. It really did. Some of the 'fix' I did, I did out of desperation. Sheer, panicked, I have to change this somehow and this seems like and idea desperation. I don't know if this 'fix' is going to work or not, but it seems to be producint results. I did it on Monday and had a response by Wednesday. So, that's a pretty fast turn around.

A friend of mine at work, someone who is very Christian, said to me (when I was having a breakdown in front of her about all the crap going on in my life) that my Spirit was telling me to change things. Now, she meant the Holy Spirit or something like that. I don't necessarily agree with that, but I think she was right. I think we all have a Spirit of some sort, giving us guidance and help. We just need to learn how to listen. So, I'm trying to listen. And my Spirit said -- turn off the heater. (Seriously, I was freaking out about that blasted thing. It was making noises I didn't like and I wasn't using it anyway.) So, I turned it off and instantly, I started to feel better. Spirit said, put your application in for this job. So, I did. And get a pretty much instant response.

I don't know where this is all going, of course. I want to believe I'll get this great job (which would allow me to travel in-country and internationally), be able to actually pay my bills, maybe buy a house, create a life for myself that I like, that I feel good about....but I've been so very disappointed in the past.

So I'm trying to focus on the future, on the promise of new growth and new potential. I tend to view myself in terms of the limits my illness puts on me, especially when I'm having a flare. Its human, but it doesn't do me any good. So, I have to remind myself that I'm not always sick. I don't always feel this way. I am capable of a great many more things than I've been allowed to do. And I really think that if I got in a place where I was allowed to be what I'm capable of being (and was paid adequately!) I'd be healthier. Most work days, I feel worse than days I'm off. I don't make any other changes, I just don't go to work. The stress of that place is very bad for me. (I really do have to link up that Lupus article...talks about how stress triggers emotion/physical illnesses).

So, spring is stirring and sneaking up on me. Maybe if I don't look at it too closely, it'll surprise me with something good.

Labels: spring