Butterfly Cauldron

Friday, February 03, 2006

Stirrings of spring

Here in Small Town, Deep South it's felt like spring for a month. It hasn't gotten below 55 in the days since the middle of December and I've just gone ahead and completely turned off my heater. It's not terribly uncommon down here, though I'm sure people who live in colder climes probably thinks that's bizarre.

But the spring I feel stirring is more metaphorical. Makes since, seeing as how it's Imbolic and all, but it sort of snuck up on me. I've been rather sick lately. Mentally and physically. Lots of pain, lots of fear and lots of paranoia. They all tie back into the Lupus and, if I can remember, I'll post a bit of an article I found linking Lupus to emotional freakouts. It's interesting.

But anyway. Back to spring. Like I said, I've been feeling bad lately. A very dark time, but I tend to have those. This one was very....unsettling. But the last few days have been better. I've been more in charge, more settled in my mind. The pain is still there, but my mind is coming back under my control. And I've been able to take some steps to do things I need to do to fix some of the problems in my life.

And it snuck up on me. It really did. Some of the 'fix' I did, I did out of desperation. Sheer, panicked, I have to change this somehow and this seems like and idea desperation. I don't know if this 'fix' is going to work or not, but it seems to be producint results. I did it on Monday and had a response by Wednesday. So, that's a pretty fast turn around.

A friend of mine at work, someone who is very Christian, said to me (when I was having a breakdown in front of her about all the crap going on in my life) that my Spirit was telling me to change things. Now, she meant the Holy Spirit or something like that. I don't necessarily agree with that, but I think she was right. I think we all have a Spirit of some sort, giving us guidance and help. We just need to learn how to listen. So, I'm trying to listen. And my Spirit said -- turn off the heater. (Seriously, I was freaking out about that blasted thing. It was making noises I didn't like and I wasn't using it anyway.) So, I turned it off and instantly, I started to feel better. Spirit said, put your application in for this job. So, I did. And get a pretty much instant response.

I don't know where this is all going, of course. I want to believe I'll get this great job (which would allow me to travel in-country and internationally), be able to actually pay my bills, maybe buy a house, create a life for myself that I like, that I feel good about....but I've been so very disappointed in the past.

So I'm trying to focus on the future, on the promise of new growth and new potential. I tend to view myself in terms of the limits my illness puts on me, especially when I'm having a flare. Its human, but it doesn't do me any good. So, I have to remind myself that I'm not always sick. I don't always feel this way. I am capable of a great many more things than I've been allowed to do. And I really think that if I got in a place where I was allowed to be what I'm capable of being (and was paid adequately!) I'd be healthier. Most work days, I feel worse than days I'm off. I don't make any other changes, I just don't go to work. The stress of that place is very bad for me. (I really do have to link up that Lupus article...talks about how stress triggers emotion/physical illnesses).

So, spring is stirring and sneaking up on me. Maybe if I don't look at it too closely, it'll surprise me with something good.

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posted by Zan at 7:42 AM

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