Butterfly Cauldron

Thursday, January 05, 2006

A new year, a new blog

This is not my first foray into blogging. It is, however, the first time I've tried to do it completely anonymously. True, my RL name is not on any of the other blogs I've put together, but someone I know RL always knows about them. There's no space for me to just say anything, everything with no fear of someone, even someone who loves me, taking offense, finding my ramblings silly or something like that. I need a space that's completely free of outside expectations to work out some of the voices in my head.

And there are voices in my head. Not literally, fortunately. But there are lots of things I need to work out for myself. If you've read the little snippet of bio I put up, you may notice there is quite a bit about religion there. I've gotten over most of my anger at the 'faith' I was raised in and the damage it did to me. It took a year of therapy to do it, but I've gotten over most of it. But there are still moments. There are still times when I wake up in the middle of the night, stricken by a sudden fear that everyone in the world has been swept up in some great Rapture, leaving me behind. My mind, and my soul, knows that's nonsense, but those terrors still come sometimes. I still have to deal with family gatherings where everyone but me starts talking about church and Jesus and who got 'saved' this week. I still have my Mother asking me to go to church with her everytime I call her. Even though I haven't gone to church on my own since I moved out of her house. Even though the last two times I did go with her, I walked out of the service because I couldn't stand the hypocrisy. Even though.

There are a great many things about myself that I don't share with other people. That's how it should be and I don't think I'll be changing that much. But there are some things that I think I shouldn't have to keep from other people. I know my family will never accept certain things about me. I know that, in my head and yet...and yet I want them to accept it.

I don't know for sure what this blog will be about. Lots of things, likely. Faith, clearly. Sexuality, yes. Feminism. Lupus, a disease I suffer from. Maybe I should have a plan, but I don't. Time will tell. And maybe I'll have readers and maybe I won't. That's not the point, is it?

Next blog: Why Butterfly Cauldron? And maybe a bit about living with transparency.
posted by Zan at 12:42 PM


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