Butterfly Cauldron

Thursday, January 05, 2006

So, why Butterfly Cauldron?

A few reasons, actually. Some which seem obvious, some not so.

First, the butterfly. I'm not a particular fan of them, although I like them well enough. I don't go around collecting them and I've never had any dreams or indications Butterfly is a spirit helper for me. (Although, naming this blog after her may be construed as an invitation. Hmm.) No. The butterfly comes from the fact that I have Lupus. Lupus is a chronic, auto-immune disease which most common recognizable physical symptom is a butterfly rash across the face of those of us unlucky enough to suffer from it. Often, this rash is the only outwardly visible symptom of the illness. That does not mean you're not sick, however. Lupus does very nasty things to a body and those things are made worse by the fact that most people with this illness look perfectly healthy. We feel like we're dying, but we look like we could run a marathon. The pain can be so bad we can't get out of bed, but our families and our co-workers and strangers on the street look at us as if we were lazy, slothful people when we take that coveted parking space next to the front door or take the elevator to the second floor, instead of using the stairs. (Add to that the fact that I'm also an adorable fat girl and well...I've gotten some really horrid looks from people who have no clue about my physical state.) So. That's one point for the butterfly. The other, of course, is the spiritual significance. Butterflies are symbols of change and growth. They're movement from one state of being to another, more meaningful, fuller existence. That's what I'm hoping for this year. The last few years, while not as cruel as many I've had, have not been exactly kind. I'm choosing to believe that they have simply been a time of resting, of my spirit preparing itself for something wonderful. I just don't know what that wonderful is yet.

The cauldron. Well, there's the spiritual aspect, of course. Lately, I've been feeling very much like I'm living in a cosmic cauldron. There are things that have been shifting and changing for years, all lining up to produce...something. I can't see what it is yet. And yet, it's not scary. It should be. But there's something very comforting about the thought of myself in this grand, divine cauldron. When I was a practicing S. Baptist, I was terrified of judgment and punishment. I'd have felt that this was some sort of...I don't know, like God was getting ready to whack me because I swear too much or I think about sex too much or I listen to too much rock music. I was always afraid of being punished for /something./ But now? Now...now I don't worry about being punished or judged by the Divine. So I don't worry about this boiling over I feel coming. I feel...comforted. Comforted to know that whatever is coming, it's going to be okay.

And so, that's why Butterfly Cauldron. I don't know how creative it is, but it is what it is.
posted by Zan at 6:40 PM


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