Butterfly Cauldron

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I'm stuck :(

Lately, I'm feeling rootless and...I don't know what the right word for it is. Disappointed, maybe. On one hand, I think it's a perfectly normal thing to go through. My life isn't exactly unfolding the way I planned it. No one's does, I know. And I know that everyone has problems that I can't see. It's just that, I don't care about other people's problems. I only care about mine. That's terrible selfish, I know. And in the grander scale, I do actually care. But right now? I don't really.

I'm afraid I've lost my passion for...everything. I'm not depressed, not like I used to be. And I've very grateful for that. But I'm not passionate about anything anymore. I don't have anything that I really love anymore. No one, nothing, no cause, no belief, nothing that really makes me want to...do anything. No motivation, really, except to find a job that will let me pay off my bills. Only, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to find a job that will pay me what I'm worth and I know I'm worth vastly more than I'm getting now, only...how do I find that? How do I go about that?

When I took my current job six years ago, it was the right choice. I was very sick, I needed to work, I need to be on my own. It was good for me then. Except, I grew rather quickly to hate it. It's a toxic place to work. It kills your motivation, your drive, your belief in yourself. I know I need to get out of it, only....I don't know how. I've looked for work, I've looked for places to go. But I just...can't seem to get my foot in the door. I've been on ONE interview in the last three/four years of looking....it's that bad. And it's not like I'm not qualified. I've got a MA, I've got almost seven years of job experience. I've had professionals look over my cover letters and resume and they all agree they look good. There's no good reason for me to not even get the damned interviews, but...I still can't get them. So what the fuck is going on?

I haven't been able to start paying my student loans yet. They're going to be insanely huge and I don't have the financial abililty to pay on them. I just don't. I want to. I really, really do. But I can't, not with the money I'm making. Not with my medical bills. So, what can I do? I've looked into seeing if I can get my medications for free from the drug companies, but because I have insurance, I can't. So...I have to pay for the pills, which means I don't have the money to pay for the loans...but I have to have the pills or I can't work, which means I wouldn't be able to pay for the pills which would mean I'd be sick all the time which would mean I couldn't work....it's this really sick cycle. And I feel very stuck.

On one hand, I know I'm not really stuck. In theory, I could just get into my car and drive off and start over somewhere else. But that won't solve the problem of all these damned bills piling up...*sigh* And it makes me so angry, because I worked so very hard to fix my credit. I got into some stupid trouble after college with credit cards. But I'm getting myself out and I've got my credit fixed and it's looking decent and now...it's all going to go back to hell again. I feel like I just can't win. I do what I'm supposed to. I work, I pay my bills, I don't cheat, I don't do all that crap....and what do I get? Stuck in this crappy job, in this crappy town, with crappy people (aside from my friends, of course) and I just can't seem to get out.

So how do I get unstuck? I'm really trying to figure this out. I'm willing to move anywhere, pretty much. Not to fucking South Dakota though. Not with that stupid abortion bill they just passed. Because you know, I really wanna live somewhere where the state thinks it owns my body.

Seriously, that whole issue is making me think of just going to get my damned tubes tied and be done with it. I really don't think I ever want children, but since I'm still fairly young I don't necessarily want to go under the knife just yet. Plus, with the Lupus avoiding unnecessary surgery is a good idea. But dammit...if this thing stands and other starts start to pass them, I'm going to have to do it. I just can't live with the thought of being forced into have a child I don't want. That's what people did to slaves and, you know, I rather thought we were free in this country. Silly me.

Actually, I think part of what's contributing to this downturn in my mood, aside from the very real RL factors, is the fucked up state of the world. Everything feels stuck. This damned war, this damned president who does whatever the hell he wants and gets away with it, Darth Cheney who shoots a man in the face and wonders what all the fuss is about, the spiralling spending our Elected Idiots are doing, this push to re-enslave women, pharmacists who like to deny women birth control, the damned Hurricanes that have destroyed my state and it's economy....it's all just too much. Sometimes, I just can't breath. There's just so much and I just....I don't even know where to start and it never seems to stop.
posted by Zan at 8:46 AM


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