Butterfly Cauldron

Monday, January 29, 2007

My issues haunt my dreams

So, I had this dream last night. I went out with this guy, much younger than me but whatever. We had fun, although we didn't have much of a spark. So, I was thinking, well okay. He's nice and all, but not my type. It was still nice to get out and whatever. He seemed to feel the same way, so we parted on friendly terms and I figured that was that.

Then, I'm zipping around the bloggy-verse and stumble upon his webpage. In which he has posted this simple message: "She was of the large" followed by a little frowny face. And of course he got tons of comments about how awful it was he had to go out with a fat girl.

Gah. I can't escape even in my damn dreams!!

Sometimes I think the universe is trying to make me crazy. After talking to the Possiblity, it hit me like a lead weight that I'd been worried so much about being rejected that I had forgotten that hey, maybe /I/ won't be impressed. It was a nice snap back to reality and I was feeling much better. Because my friend Georgia is right, I'm very good at taking ownership of myself and my rights in all situations but a dating situation and that just doesn't make sense. It's not my job to be impressive. It's my job to just be me. And part of being me is realizing that hey, just because someone is interested in me that doesnt' mean I have to be interested in them. Which I know, but is easy to forget with all the conditioning women get in our world. Why, how dare you reject this man's attentions? Don't you realize how rare that is? Don't you realize it might never happen again? Sure, he's not everything you wanted, but dammit, he's a man! And you're 32, unconventional and if you want to escape the old-woman-eaten-by-cats-and-not-found-for-two-weeks fate, you'll snap up any man that wants you, dammit. How pathetic is that? How utterly insulting.

So, anyway. As I was saying, I've shaken that off and yet...here it comes in my dreams! Dammit. This is not amusing, Universe. Stop. Now. Leave me alone, already! (Unless you're planning to drop Sara into my lap. Because that, I'll take some shit for.)


posted by Zan at 6:41 AM


Um, didn't you just learn the lesson about bossing about the Universe?

When you aren't impressed, is that so, or are you pre-rejecting because you're still convinced the person will eventually reject you for being fat? I know I shouldn't question your judgment, or your knowledge of yourself, but I don't know enough about you to not wonder. (And knowing might not be enough; I'd have a better idea if I sawyou interact w/ people. I know, I know, it's my fault I haven't.)

I don't even have cats to alert the neighbors to my rotting corpse, so my only hope is to die overnight in my cold BR when the AC and fans are on.

5:29 PM  

Not rejecting men: it's also the insistence that girls be nice nice nice no matter how we're treated. And this does only go for men. We're encouraged to reject women who don't fit the mold or might steal our hard-won men. Ugh. That's probably as far as I can go w/out breaking my not-vomiting streak.

5:31 PM  

Oh, no. I was genuinely unimpressed. I would at least give it a try, even if I had some deepseated fears. Which, apparently, I do. I think what bugged me the most about the dream was how he wasn't rejecting to my face. He was nice and all, then he was all "ew, fat girl" behind my back. Because, frankly, being nasty to my face is gonna get you verbally bitchslapped. But behind my back, when I'm feeling good about myself...eh, that hurts. Even thought it was all a fucking dream!!

And doesn't it just make you want to hit something? All that conditioning we get as women that we don't even realize? I mean, seriously, I was seriously worried he'd find something wrong with me. I didn't even stop to think, hey, ya know, maybe I wouldn't like him. How dumb is that? Gah.

There's no other place in my life I do that. I'm totally in charge, together, I know who I am...and then it comes to dating or whatever and I'm a ball of stupid. Grrrr.

6:05 PM  

I don't even know how deep the conditioning is, but I know how soon it starts: w/ the pink and blue baby stuff. And obliterating it can be a full-time, yet successful, effort, as noted in the references to a feminist author here.

I often think about what a crappy mom I'd be, and just one of the scary ways in which I could fuck up my kid's life is in matters of gender roles. I might emphasize equality so strongly that the kid would rebel by conforming. And tha goes for religion and gays and everything! Shudder. What ifmy kid ended up an ex-fay Quiverful?!

7:19 PM  

damn, what a crap dream!

8:10 PM  

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