Butterfly Cauldron

Saturday, November 17, 2007

I'm more than a little tired

I waste entirely too much time doing, literally, nothing.

This bothers me, because there are sooo many things I could be doing. It makes me a boring person, I think. How interesting is it that what I can talk the most about are my cats? *sigh*

I have to remind myself that I have to be easy on myself. It's not my fault that I'm so tired. It's not my fault that when I get home from work all I can do, literally, is curl on the couch and watch tv. Or lay in bed and watch tv. This is what happens when you're dealing with a chronic illness. It steals all your energy. It's not my fault, but I just feel horrible about it.

I don't feel bad, physically. I've got some pain, but not so much it's unbearable. I'm just....so fucking tired. I just got out of bed, after trying to nap, and I feel....I went to WalMart today. Got my oil changed. Picked up some groceries. And I came home, ate lunch and collapsed. I've got all day to do any damn thing I want and what do I do? I lay down. I watch tv. I flip channels. I cuddle kittens. I do nothing. At all.

I'd like to go finish my dishes or my laundry or I don't know, write some fabulous paper about compariative religions, but I can't. Because I"m so very tired. I hate this. I hate it so much I just want to scream, but I'm too tired to scream. I'm too tired to do anything. I need to wash my dishes and clean out my fridge. It won't take even an hour and yet....I'm not. I can't.

I feel the aching tiredness down into my bones. My fingers hurt, my toes hurt, everything hurts in an aching, persistant way. I don't want to go take any more medication, even though I know I should.

I'm not depressed, I'm just fucking tired. *sigh*

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posted by Zan at 2:34 PM

3 Comments:

You work, so how in the world are you wasting too much time doing nothing? I can't even handle part-time work outside of the house right now. Lupie fatigue is REAL. I hate how people associate sleeping with not doing anything. You know what I did today? I took a shower and I went to pick up a Christmas tree. I came back home and I'm absolutely pooped! I'm proud of myself just for not backing out on the trip for the tree.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Zan!

P.S. The internet can always use more posts about cats.

10:21 PM  

My brain knows that, but sometimes...eh, it doesn't want to be a good brain. It rebels and makes me feel bad.

See, I understand how going to pick up a tree is a huge deal. Oh yes I do. I'm feeling like today finding myself something to eat will be a big deal. Yesterday, I was shopping with my Mom and SiL. We were out ALL DAY. From six in the morning until seven last night. Fortunately, it was a good day and I had energy, but hell am I paying for it now. Headache and one of my knees feels so swollen I can barely bend it. Gah! I'm so glad it's Sunday and I can stay in. The cats will be happy. We'll be camping out on the couch, trying to catch Dr. Who and Torchwood reruns....

7:08 AM  

Your description of the fatigue is so accurate and well put. I've tried to explain it to my husband and friends, my family, and they just don't get it. They think if I just rested more-- had less caffeine-- exercised more-- lost weight-- I wouldn't be so exhausted. They try to be understanding, but they just don't get it.

9:41 PM  

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