Butterfly Cauldron

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Random Bitching

I'm not in a good mood at the moment, so I feel the need to bitch a little. You've all been warned. So, things that piss Zan off:

1. My medication. I love my little pills, I really do. My new doctor just doubled my Cymbalta because I was still having lost of pain and horrifice PMDD. Well, the doubling seriously worked for the pain. My arm was hurting so bad last week that I could barely move it and was having to wear my wrist brace again. After two days on the new dosage, I'm not in pain anymore. So, yah! This is a good thing. So, why does my meds piss me off? Because it makes me FUCKING SLEEPY. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm sitting at the desk, looking at my computer and I'm like.....oh shit. I'm so going to sleep. ARG! I'm hoping this side effect will clear up, because I am not willing to give up the awesome pain relief I'm getting. And we had to fight with my insurance company to get them to let her double the dosage. They were only willing to pay for 30 pills a month, which is the standard dosage. If you're using it for depression. But we're not. We're using it for pain control, so they had to get an emergency override and it hadn't gone through yet, so I have to call the pharamacy tomorrow and see if it's gone through, and if it has I get to go pick up the next 30 pills. *sigh*

2. PMDD. I fucking HATE PMDD. Everyone know what that is? It's uber-PMS. It's PMS loaded with a tac-nuke. It turns me into a barely functioning monster. But it doesn't happen every month, so I can't plan for it. Oh, but this month? Oh this month it is so on. I'm barely able to keep myself from crying, from taking offense at the slightest thing, at just breathing, for fucks sake. I'm starting to get paranoid. I'm literally hanging up on people who say something that upsets me. Why? I have no idea. I just can't take it. I'm sleeping all the fucking time and I'm still exhausted. I'm straving constantly, even when I've just eaten. I want a new kitten and it's just like I have to literally lock myself in the house to keep from going to steal one from somewhere. Stupid, I know. But I just have these...compulsions. . .that don't want to go away. And I know, they're all hormonal. I know that they'll all be gone in a few days, but it's so fucking hard to stand it. Arg! I'm starting the Pill this month, which should help regulate things, so I'm hoping, hoping, hoping this will stop. Or at least turn into regular fucking PMS, for gods sake. GAH.

3. People who ask you to do things they refuse to do themselves. Particularly sexually. This I don't understand and it's been annoying me lately, for absolutely no reason. It just popped into my head. Why is cocksucker such a huge insult? Seriously. I'm trying to figure it out. I mean, usually you see men slinging it at other men. So, wait. You want women to suck you're cock, but you don't want to suck another man's? And not because you just don't have a desire to do so, but because you find the thought revolting? So, um, why the hell should I wanna suck yours? It's not precious, ya know. It's not dipped in gold or some shit like that. So, here's my rule: I'll only blow a man whose willing to blow another man himself. And I may demand proof. Because if you're too good for it, then I sure as hell am too good to do it.

4. Money. I hate money. I fucking hate it. I hate needing it, I hate not having it, I hate how fast it disappears when I do have it. I got my tax refund last week and you know what? It's all fucking gone. I paid off some bills, did a little extra shopping and boom. Gone. I didn't go crazy, either. I bought medicine (which is where most of it went, actually. I got four 'scripts filled.), groceries, a new pair of jeans and a new shirt. Oh, and a new purse. Whoo. Big spender me. And rented a few movies. And there it's gone. *sigh* I am getting another big check, but I don't know when. That $6k will be most needed, but I need it NOW. I still have bills to pay. I still have medical bills from last year that I haven't paid and I need to, but...*sigh* Gods dammit, I fucking HATE money.

5. Lonliness. I hate that too. I want someone to hang out with, but then again, I like my solitude. I'm kinda fucked, I think. I don't know. Right now, I'd like to have someone to snuggle up to, but I'm in such a rotten mood they'd probably want to kick me outta bed. *sigh* I'm gonna go beat my head against a wall, I think.

6. Pain. Chronic pain is evil. It never ends, but you can't see it by looking at me and I just want to SCREAM. I've got that weird, slightly electric feeling running through my body which tells me I wont' be sleeping tonight, but I won't be able to stay up either. I hate that limbo! I want to take the day off work, but for what? I have no money to do anything and I don't want to stay home and sleep. Or, I do, but that seems a waste to me. And I need to wait until I'm off probation anyway. *sigh* I hate pain. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

7. Music. Well, I LOVE music, but I'm bored by most of what I've got. And I'm an avid collector. I adopt new bands and devour them completely. I don't know what I'm in the mood for, but I want something new. I want something that feels real. *sigh* Someone who can sing out this damned mood of mine. Gods dammit. If I could figure out how to add songs to this blog, I'd do a little music blogging, but oh well. Grr. Arg.

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posted by Zan at 5:56 PM


i'm in solidarity--esp on 4 & 5

8:04 PM  

1. 1.5 doses?

3. Cocksucking is supposed to be humiliating, especially if the sucker is kneeling. She's supposedly at the mercy of the guy, as well, and if she buys into that, she won't notice that he's the vulnerable one. I say "she" because it's used as an insult to gay men because they're doing something submissive females do.

6. I don't know from pain, but I've nearly fallen asleep at work after getting up too early or eating something that made me feel drugged. You can't take sick leave while on probation? Do they all have earplugs so they won't hear the incessant beeping of your keyboard when you pass out on it?

7. My reader Phil knows how to add MP3s. I know how to add Radio.Blog buttons, but I doubt they have your tunes.

5:55 PM  

Uber PMS? And you haven't actually killed anyone yet? Because it must be tempting...
My aunt has chronic unexplained pain, and it's slowly but surely driving her insane. Your insurance company are being assholes - really, you not feeling the pain is a net benefit to society as a whole.
On the cocksucking issue - I've always found that the simple solution is to listen very closely to the words men use to surround that particular practise, and the ones who seem to think it's demeaning? No cocksucking for you! No sex at all, actually. We'll breed the idiots out of existance.
On the music front...not to nag or anything, but my favourite pretty boys would fit your current mood just about perfectly. I've been to 2 concerts in the last week and I don't think anything could piss me off right now, even though I'm in pain. Seriously, there's no better way to purge negative feelings than really raw, primal music. Let Kyo scream for you and I guarantee you'll feel better. Always works for me.
Hugs to you, hope you feel better soon. The Pill may indeed help even things out.

2:44 AM  

It's been hard not to kill people. Really. I get these bursts of extreme anger. I get pissed off over stupid things, like the fact that I have to go inside to pre-pay for gas. See? Stupid shit.

And yeah - no sex for men who are grossed out by blowjobs. Well, grossed out by THEM giving blowjobs. Because the sexism inherent in that is just....gah. Why would you want to have sex with someone like that?

My insurance company is being an asshole, but my doctor is trying to get an override. She should have heard back by today, so I can get the drugs I need. I got half of the script filled Friday and I've been taking it like she wanted and, let me tell you, it's pretty damn amazing. I'm not completely pain free, but it's much, much less. And I'm thinking, if I have to go back to once a day, I'm going to cry. *sigh*

6:38 AM  

I'd never heard of the uber-PMS before and it sound like a nightmare. Hope your insurance company cooperates.

9:30 PM  

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