Butterfly Cauldron

Sunday, January 07, 2007

A change of perspective can do you good

For years, while I labored under unrelenting depression, I kept feeling, deep inside, that if I could just get out of THAT place, move somewhere new, start over, things would be better. People tell themselves that when they're depressed, but it doesn't always work. For the longest time, I thought I needed to go to the Northwest. Somewhere in Oregon or Washington. Instead, I moved even further south. I thought I was crazy and yet...I finally feel like I've found what I was missing.

It strikes me as very strange, how easily I've taken to life here. This is the largest city I've lived in, and given that it's swollen from Katrina evacuees still it's now the largest city in Louisiana, and I finally, finally feel like I can breath. Is that strange? There's more traffic, more people and yet I feel like I'm finally able to just relax and be here.

I spent the day doing a little shopping. I wasn't going to spend any money, really, but I found some great sales at World Market, so....I got a new curtain for my bedroom. This gorgeous shade of orange. (Have I mentioned I love orange?) It's kinda the color of a sun-bleached pumpkin. Plus, I found a Tibetian silk lamp for my bedroom. It's hanging in my bedroom now. It was so very on sale -- $7 instead of $25. Well, what was I supposed to do? I had to buy it. Plus, they had votive candles for 9 fricking cents.
Also, a collection of Christmas hot chocolate I had to try. Oh well. So goes a whopping $23 bucks :) I'm so bad.

It's funny, how doing something as simple as buying a few things for my bedroom make me happy. A new curtain, a new lamp, it's all enough to make me smile. I can't afford the big purchases I need for the house yet (like a washer/dryer and a new sofa) but I can do the little things that make it feel better. I'm thinking I'm going to decorate my bedroom in an Asian theme, mostly. I don't know. I love the colors and the patterns, so that's probably where it's going. My mother will be so happy when she sees the giant Buddha I'm thinking of putting over my bed. Oops?

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend Clara, who came down from Alexandria. We went to dinner, did a little shopping. I bought four freaking new bras. Seriously, best money I've spent in ages. I needed some that fit. Apparently, losing 30 lbs. makes things fall off of ya. Figure that. Friday night, after work, I went to a going away party for a co-worker. It's been a busy weekend.

Funny thing, in the two months I've been working at this new job, I've socialized more with my co-worker than I ever did at my old job. They clearly want me around. They genuinely like me. I fit. It's a strange feeling for me, seeing as how I never seem to fit anywhere. And yet, going further south, which I didn't want to do, is where I find home.

Part of it is that I don't feel like I have to pretend to be...well, anything really. I'm just me and that's fine and no one knows any better, so I can be whatever and whoever I want without pre-judgement. So, I'm bisexual. So, I'm pagan. Great.. Wanna get a drink? It's so...different.

People who knew me before and who see me now are just stunned by how fucking happy I seem. Every one has remarked on it. It's that stark a difference. And you know, I feel like saying -- this is who I've always been. This is who I really am, who I've always known I was supposed to be. How can you be surprised by this? Is it that you just really didn't know me at all?

Anyway, now that I'm here and happy, I need to network. So, I'm looking over the lesiure classes LSU offers....now, what do I want to take? Beginning guitar? I would, but I don't have the guitar yet and no money for it...so I'll do that next session. Photography? Beginning Italian? Yoga? Pilates? Some kind of dance class? It is possible to go from famine to an embarassment of riches this quickly?
posted by Zan at 12:21 PM

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