Butterfly Cauldron

Sunday, December 31, 2006

These are not resolutions

I don't make New Year's resolutions. They're just setting yourself up for disappointment. The only one I've ever managed to keep was the one to swear more. I kept that one like a motherfucker, ya know.

So, I'm sitting here in my lovely apartment feeling down and mopy. Mostly, I'm lonely and I blame that on my hormones. I think I'm being PMSy, frankly. Because I'm not depressed, I'm just....mopy. There is a difference. I spent most of my life vastly depressed and this is not that. This is transitory, thank the gods. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's where a lot of my problem is coming in. I spent so much time depressed and just fucking holding on to my sanity, that now that it appears I'm "cured" (ha ha. Right.) I don't know how to have a 'normal' life anymore. I've got lots of time now, and a reasonable amount of energy, but I don't know /how/ to do things that other people take for granted. Like, how do you meet people? And I don't just mean people to date, but you know, friends and shit? I have forgotten how to do that. Because I spent so much time on my own, just breathing and coming up with reasons not to overdose on sleeping pills. And now that I don't have to do that anymore, I just....how do I fill in that time?

So, because I'm determined not to wallow and mope and be useless, I'm doing a little look-over of my life this year. And no, this isn't a year end review. I may do something later, when this mope passes, but right now? No. Just a little look-over. I had certain goals, both long term and short term, that I wrote down here.
Now, some of them are clearly long term -- owning my own business, for example. Buying a cabin, making a movie. Long term, need to find financing goals. Some of the others, however, are not so long term.

So, I looked through them and realized, hey! I've managed to do one this year. Whoohoo. I got a new job. That's a big one for me, in fact it was the biggest one for this year. And I managed to do it, even though it took me most of the year to accomplish it. But hey, I did it. So go me.

And I was looking over the list and thinking to myself, what can I manage to do this year? Some are quite doable within a year, because they depend solely on me. (The whole boy/girlfriend/kissing in the rain bit...well, I need help with that. And yes, I'm taking volunteers.) So, what I plan to do off this list in 2007:

Learn to play the guitar. I'm seriously, seriously deeply envious and jealous of people who play the guitar. And for fuck's sake, if so many other people can manage it, surely I can too. I mean, if you can play three chords you can be a rock star. I can learn three fucking chords. I already know the guitar I want to get too. Being completely non-knowlegable, I'm going on instincts and well, I like how it looks ;) I'll post a picture as soon as I can track it down again.

And frankly, learning to play guitar leads nicely into writing a song. Or twelve. I already have more lyrics than I can ever use.
I just need to come up with the music for them. So there's that.

I can take a film class. LSU offers some via their leasure learning department, so I can take them for fun. So, maybe I can do that at some point this year, fundage permitting.

Hrm. I've actually already got plans for the flower garden. I was laying in bed last night, not sleeping as usual, and realized I could put window boxes in my two bedrooms windows. They're perfect for it, seeing as how they don't have screens :) Also, I've got a nice little backyard to put flowers in. And a windowbox in my kitchen, for herbs. All pagans should grow herbs, even if I had no idea how to cook with them or something ;)

I'm kinda wobbly on the tattoo and peircing thing. I want to do both, but I'm not sure if I should do it just yet. Here's my thinking, once I get back down to a size 20, the smallest I ever intend to be, it's time to pierce my bellybutton. And frankly, at the rate I'm loosing, I should be down to a 20 by next Christmas. I lost two sizes this year, putting me firmly into a 24. (And there was much rejoicing in my house when I had a giftcard that enabled me to go buy a pair of blue jeans that fit! Everything else I own is either a 26 or 28 and are falling off of me, but I have no money to replace them. Yet.) So, if I keep it up, I can be in a 20 by next Christmas and then...pierce me, baby.

The tattoo, I'm not so sure when I'll do it. I know what I want and I know where I want it though. Actually, I want a couple -- that's the problem. Which one to get? I want a butterfly on one foot and a turtle on the other. Both of them are my totems, so it makes sense. Also, I want a little Siamese cat, probably on my shoulder. But I also have thing -- I want to get the runes for creativity and joy tattooed on my inner thighs. Those may have to wait. Hrm.

So, I think I can accomplish those things on my list this year. Or at least, some of them. Saving for retirement is an ongoing process which -- yes! -- I have managed to start, thanks to the state's fucking awesome retirement plan. (Seriously, 8 percent of my salary goes in, then the state matches -- 19 percent. That's awesome.) I'm not ready to pay on my student loans just yet, but I can see that happening in a year or two. So there's light at that tunnel.

Oh, and if someone will just give me an excuse to drive to California, I'm so gone.

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posted by Zan at 11:12 AM

4 Comments:

Not just getting the job (no matter how long it took), but taking it and moving on your own are major accomplishments and sources of pride.

I haven't had friends since college. I had one friend from college; I haven't heard from her in three years. My hobbies (reading, T.V./movies) don't allow me to meet people. I'd really like to do so organically, as opposed to via a meeting (much less dating) service. So if you figure it out, I'd like to know.

Californ-i-a? In the meantime, you already have a reason to visit Virginia. Just sayin'.

8:46 PM  

Will Ferrell's character learns guitar (or "GUI-tar, as my dad says) in Stranger Than Fiction. His guitar says: I rock.

8:48 PM  

I want something with butterflies on it. I'll look like a hippy flower child, but hey...

9:23 PM  

I always think of you when I see butterflies, such as during The Nutcracker.

Happy New Year!

12:13 AM  

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