Butterfly Cauldron

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Object of desire

This is what my body looks like. Oh, that isn't me. But it's the nearest to it that I've ever seen. (I got it from The Adipositivity Project. Awesome pictures.)

I'm not used to having my body be an object of desire. In fact, I can't think of a single time my body has been desired explicitly for itself. Which is not to say I've never been loved. Being loved and being desired are two completely different things. I have been loved, and by extention, I have been desired. Because I was loved. From the love, the desire followed. But no one has ever looked at me and thought, Yes. I want her. Or if they have, they haven't been bold enough to say so.

My head knows there are people out there who genuinely prefer women my size. I know this. I see their websites, I see their magazines, I hear there are parties for them. But I have never meet them.

When I hooked up with the Boy this year, we had sex. It was nice enough, but it wasn't earth moving. He didn't seem all that interested in touching me, or paying attention to my body too much. He wanted to fuck. Which was fine, because so did I. But at a point it seemed to me that he should have really wanted to touch me some more. Tease me some more. We were just fucking, it wasn't a relationship, but it seemed like someone I was sleeping with should be a bit more enthralled with all the parts of my body. He didn't seem too interested when I kissed about his body or touched him either, so it could have simply been a personal preference. But still.

I have always thought that I could certainly find someone who would love me, because I am a rather lovable person. I'm a good partner. I'm smart, funny, caring, loving, protective, etc. But I always thought I'd be loved in spite of my body, not because of it. That there would always be some small part of my partner that was slightly ashamed of being seen with me. That there would be judgement from their family, that I'd have to prove that I was a good match for their loved one, despite my body.

The thought that someone could want my body, could literally be attracted and aroused by it, is new to me. It feels strange. Good, but strange. The thought that I don't have to explain why I'm eating a bowl of ice cream, or a sandwich, or whatever. Even if I've not eaten anything else all day, you know, shouldn't I be working on that body? It's....odd. I like it, but I just....I don't know. I feel strange about it.

You know how sometimes you ask the Universe for things and then it delivers and you don't know what to do with it? Yeah.

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posted by Zan at 7:29 PM


Mmm hot.

I don't understand this loving you in spite of your body--I see you, and you're beautiful.

Get used to it ;)

11:11 PM  

The thought that someone could want my body, could literally be attracted and aroused by it, is new to me.

I can't wrap my mind around it for myself either.

9:27 PM  

C clearly revels in my body, talks about how much he wants me and desires me, and it's always so shocking and discomfiting and strange. My body is me, and he loves it.

Be happy that there are those who are like this. These people must be cherished.

6:41 PM  

Huggies, Zan.

Jeez. Having just wrote a post on my stupid thin obsession today, reading your post was heaven. I need to read more of this.

12:20 PM  

Kim, I don't think your obsession with thinness is stupid. I think it's one point on the continuum, really. There are control issues at play, plus some genuinely disordered relationships with food. Like, I LOVE ice cream. It may be the best thing ever. I would eat it every day, if I could. I would eat it for lunch by itself, if I could. It's just THAT good. But, it's "bad" for me, so I feel like I shouldn't have it all that often. So I have these spells where I'll go for months and months and deny myself Ice cream, which I really really want and then I'll decide, Oh fuck it! and go get some ice cream. But then, because I've not had it in soooo long, it's all I want. Literally, I'll eat ice cream every day, maybe two times a day! Because I've set it up as No no, I can't have it....and I'll start to feel bad because I'm eating so much ice cream, but that makes me depressed and ice cream is my favorite comfort food and so....but eventually, I realize it's okay. That I don't have to deny myself the ice cream when i want it and that I don't have to eat it all in one sitting, because, hey, I can always go get more. It's not disappearing....so, really. No need to eat the whole box today, k?

IT's the same with people who obsessively control the amount of calories they intake each day. I've meet people who had such disordered eating that they wouldn't take COUGH DROPS because they would have too many calories! So to me, it's all just kinda on the same continuum, this weird relationship we women tend to have with food and our bodies.

12:34 PM  

I'm so happy for you that you're realising that yes, there are people who love your body. And that Em will keep reminding you of it if you start to forget.

I always assumed that for every body type, there were people who found that body type sexy. What I'd really love to know is how the whole desire thing would shake out without our current social programming. I have a hunch that people's actual desires are a lot more individualistic than is commonly assumed.

1:26 AM  

Cassandra, I tell her every day how beautiful her body is. And superhot. These are different, but related things.

Zan my love, you'll get it eventually I think :)

11:33 PM  

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