Thursday, July 16, 2009
Update: Not dead, but kinda fading
Since she's been gone, I have done pretty much nothing except crash on the couch, with all the windows and curtains closed, to watch Joan of Arcadia dvds in the dark. I cry at everything. I cry at nothing. In fact, I'm on the edge of crying right now. I feel really dumb about it too.
This is so much worse than last time. I had to leave work yesterday because I was so upset and sad. My stomach was in knots and I was stuffed up (likely from all the crying) and coughing and everytime I coughed it felt like I was going to throw up. I can't focus on anything. I have work to do but I just can't focus on it. I blew a phone interview for a new job because I've been so down I didn't look up the college so I could talk intelligently about it. I sounded like an idiot and I felt like one too. I don't have an engagement ring yet, but I've been looking around to see what I liked and it's only making me stressed and upset. (So Emmy's just going to pick something for me. Yay!) Since I didn't get the job teaching online, we don't know if we're going to be able to afford to go to Salem for the weeding or if we're going to have to stay somewhere closer to home. We wanted to go to Mass. so that the weeding would be legal regardless of gender. (Once Emmy gets her marker changed, no one would be able to challenge the legality since gender doesn't matter in Mass.) I like the idea of getting married where it's snowing. I wanna make snow bunnies and throw snow balls at my wife. Take pictures of us with a snowman. Wear super warm coats and drink hot chocolate by a fireplace. I don't know. I feel...everything. That's the problem. My mother wants pictures of us in our weeding clothing, which is all ARG. Cause now we have to think about what other people will say about our outfits and my mother is all No Goth! and we're thinking that's the direction we're going. So bah. I just feel....overwhelmed :(