Butterfly Cauldron
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Update: Not dead, but kinda fading
Emmy has been gone a week and I am not doing well.
Since she's been gone, I have done pretty much nothing except crash on the couch, with all the windows and curtains closed, to watch Joan of Arcadia dvds in the dark. I cry at everything. I cry at nothing. In fact, I'm on the edge of crying right now. I feel really dumb about it too.
This is so much worse than last time. I had to leave work yesterday because I was so upset and sad. My stomach was in knots and I was stuffed up (likely from all the crying) and coughing and everytime I coughed it felt like I was going to throw up. I can't focus on anything. I have work to do but I just can't focus on it. I blew a phone interview for a new job because I've been so down I didn't look up the college so I could talk intelligently about it. I sounded like an idiot and I felt like one too. I don't have an engagement ring yet, but I've been looking around to see what I liked and it's only making me stressed and upset. (So Emmy's just going to pick something for me. Yay!) Since I didn't get the job teaching online, we don't know if we're going to be able to afford to go to Salem for the weeding or if we're going to have to stay somewhere closer to home. We wanted to go to Mass. so that the weeding would be legal regardless of gender. (Once Emmy gets her marker changed, no one would be able to challenge the legality since gender doesn't matter in Mass.) I like the idea of getting married where it's snowing. I wanna make snow bunnies and throw snow balls at my wife. Take pictures of us with a snowman. Wear super warm coats and drink hot chocolate by a fireplace. I don't know. I feel...everything. That's the problem. My mother wants pictures of us in our weeding clothing, which is all ARG. Cause now we have to think about what other people will say about our outfits and my mother is all No Goth! and we're thinking that's the direction we're going. So bah. I just feel....overwhelmed :(
Since she's been gone, I have done pretty much nothing except crash on the couch, with all the windows and curtains closed, to watch Joan of Arcadia dvds in the dark. I cry at everything. I cry at nothing. In fact, I'm on the edge of crying right now. I feel really dumb about it too.
This is so much worse than last time. I had to leave work yesterday because I was so upset and sad. My stomach was in knots and I was stuffed up (likely from all the crying) and coughing and everytime I coughed it felt like I was going to throw up. I can't focus on anything. I have work to do but I just can't focus on it. I blew a phone interview for a new job because I've been so down I didn't look up the college so I could talk intelligently about it. I sounded like an idiot and I felt like one too. I don't have an engagement ring yet, but I've been looking around to see what I liked and it's only making me stressed and upset. (So Emmy's just going to pick something for me. Yay!) Since I didn't get the job teaching online, we don't know if we're going to be able to afford to go to Salem for the weeding or if we're going to have to stay somewhere closer to home. We wanted to go to Mass. so that the weeding would be legal regardless of gender. (Once Emmy gets her marker changed, no one would be able to challenge the legality since gender doesn't matter in Mass.) I like the idea of getting married where it's snowing. I wanna make snow bunnies and throw snow balls at my wife. Take pictures of us with a snowman. Wear super warm coats and drink hot chocolate by a fireplace. I don't know. I feel...everything. That's the problem. My mother wants pictures of us in our weeding clothing, which is all ARG. Cause now we have to think about what other people will say about our outfits and my mother is all No Goth! and we're thinking that's the direction we're going. So bah. I just feel....overwhelmed :(
9 Comments:
*huggles*
*sends e-cocoa & e-cookies*
((( hugs )))
I didn't have the big wedding thing but did it in secret and told everyone later - this avoided all the familial-political nonsense, but the secrecy and revelation provided stresses of its own.
The advice I would give is to keep looking forward, keep in mind that the weeding is a wholly good thing, and if other people find imperfection - like if your Mum doesn't like your outfits - that's really her problem. This is about you and Emmy and what you want to do.
My mother regrets to this day that she didn't wear plimsoles (um, pumps, I think the Americans call them) for her wedding - she wore these shoes all the time, and didn't want fancy court shoes. But her mother was so upset that she threatened not to come to the wedding at all and my mother caved in... not sure why I'm telling this story, probably because it was a very petty thing that seemed like a big drama. A lot of your concerns just now might seem like that when you look back on this - the most important thing is that before too long you and Emmy will be married and starting out on your happily ever after.
I'm kind of tired just now, so none of the above may make any sense whatsoever.
No, that makes perfect sense. I think most of my stress is coming from my family's less than thrilled reaction to my engagement. *sigh* I want my family to be happy for me, and I think they are, but...they were great to Emmy when we saw 'em last time. But. Things are gonna get difficult when the full transition happens. OH well. This is why I need to build up a chosen family around here.
It is so hard when family's not quite supportive! I can't imagine having a relationship as long distance as yours, and I'm sorry you're all torn up. So many people get torn up over something that should be joyful, like an engagement--it's ridiculous.
I hope you can go to Salem. And I hope you wear what you want. (L'Ailee regretted not marrying with her head shaved as usual, and I regretted wearing contacts instead of glasses.) And I hope you feel much better very soon! *hugs*
Your family's feelings towards your relationship are very likely to improve, especially once you're permanently settled together. When AJ and I got together, my parents pretty much loathed him! It took a while, but I'm hopeful that the people who really love you will grown to love Emmy too. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much hope of getting there between now and the weeding - but that'll be the beginning of the process, not the grand finale.
Even so, good luck with the chosen family. Those relationships can be just as precious as the one's your born into, if not more so.
Aw, honey. I know that having your family not be supportive sucks, but really, it's your wedding, if you want to be goth then be goth.
When does Em get back?
Em gets back as soon as the stupid visa comes through. *grumblegrumble* I'm not anxious or stressed. Nooo...
I'm late as usual, hope my hugs still help...
(((hugs)))
Hugs are always good, Daisy. I'm feeling better now. I got my engagement ring! Yay! I need to post a picture of it. Also, I'm getting less stressed. If we have to have the weeding here, I found someone in Baton Rouge who does theme weedings and is very into doing EXACTLY what we want. So yay!
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