Monday, September 25, 2006
The wheel's turning
At long last, the temps here have dropped to a completely reasonable level and I feel....alive. The summer is my enemy, the sun wants to kill me and the humidity wants to drown me. But the fall? Ah, the fall is my friend, indeed.
Right now, it's 10 a.m. and a lovely 63 degrees. I have the windows open so I can feel the air and it's just...lovely. Not two weeks ago, it was over 90 degrees at this time. I was in pain, I was cranky, I was pissed off. Now I just want to lay around, soaking in the lovely atmosphere. Actually, that's not true. I don't want to lay around. I want to move, do things, be places, be alive.
Fall does this to me every year. My pain goes into remission. My disease decides to go to sleep for the winter, like a bear hibernating in her den. One moment, I'm barely able to move, the next I can dance. It's a weird thing, that sudden shift but I've learn to relay on it. Last year, I didn't get a break. Last year, I was having lots of problems with my gallbladder, but we didn't know that's what it was. So I was in pain for almost a solid year. But not this year. No no, I'm getting my remission and I just love it. *sigh*
Autumn always seems hopeful to me. It always makes me believe the best is possible. The cycle is begining to close, to wind down. This peace is my reward for a year of holding on, for believing I can endure and for finding people and things to love and make me happy despite the pain.
I like, around this time, to take stock of my life, to look at it and sort out the good from the bad and hold the good up, higher than the rest. Because the truth us, for all my problems, my life isn't all that bad. Yes, I have a chronic illness and yes, it causes me a great deal of pain occassionally. But it's treatable and it's not killing me. Yes, I have a crappy job and it doesn't pay me enough, but I have a place to live and people in my life who aren't going to let me starve and fall through the cracks. Yes, I'm still single and have some er, issues, with relationships that need to be sorted out, but I also have the privelage of living on my own, of taking care of myself, of discovering who I really am and that makes me strong. And lucky.
I also like to make lists of things that make me happy, so I can look back on them when I'm down and remember that life isn't as dark and bleak as I may think it is, just at that moment. So. Things that make me smile:
Okay, that'll do for now. The point is, there's always something that can make me smile, if I just stop and think about it. And I always remember that at this time of year and I always have that to look forward to when things get rough the rest of the time.