Butterfly Cauldron

Monday, September 25, 2006

The wheel's turning

Oh, Autumn, my favorite season, where have you been?

At long last, the temps here have dropped to a completely reasonable level and I feel....alive. The summer is my enemy, the sun wants to kill me and the humidity wants to drown me. But the fall? Ah, the fall is my friend, indeed.

Right now, it's 10 a.m. and a lovely 63 degrees. I have the windows open so I can feel the air and it's just...lovely. Not two weeks ago, it was over 90 degrees at this time. I was in pain, I was cranky, I was pissed off. Now I just want to lay around, soaking in the lovely atmosphere. Actually, that's not true. I don't want to lay around. I want to move, do things, be places, be alive.

Fall does this to me every year. My pain goes into remission. My disease decides to go to sleep for the winter, like a bear hibernating in her den. One moment, I'm barely able to move, the next I can dance. It's a weird thing, that sudden shift but I've learn to relay on it. Last year, I didn't get a break. Last year, I was having lots of problems with my gallbladder, but we didn't know that's what it was. So I was in pain for almost a solid year. But not this year. No no, I'm getting my remission and I just love it. *sigh*

Autumn always seems hopeful to me. It always makes me believe the best is possible. The cycle is begining to close, to wind down. This peace is my reward for a year of holding on, for believing I can endure and for finding people and things to love and make me happy despite the pain.

I like, around this time, to take stock of my life, to look at it and sort out the good from the bad and hold the good up, higher than the rest. Because the truth us, for all my problems, my life isn't all that bad. Yes, I have a chronic illness and yes, it causes me a great deal of pain occassionally. But it's treatable and it's not killing me. Yes, I have a crappy job and it doesn't pay me enough, but I have a place to live and people in my life who aren't going to let me starve and fall through the cracks. Yes, I'm still single and have some er, issues, with relationships that need to be sorted out, but I also have the privelage of living on my own, of taking care of myself, of discovering who I really am and that makes me strong. And lucky.

I also like to make lists of things that make me happy, so I can look back on them when I'm down and remember that life isn't as dark and bleak as I may think it is, just at that moment. So. Things that make me smile:

  • My niece, Kady. She's so wonderful, she's almost (but only almost) enough to make me want one of my own.
  • Scented candles, made with my own two hands
  • China and Frank, the demonic felines who have chosen to live with me. Sometimes, a warm cat is the most healing being in the universe.
  • Friends that love me
  • Modern medicine!
  • Turtles
  • Butterflies (Yes, apparently, naming your blog after Her is enough to invite Butterfly to be a spirit helper. Who knew?)
  • Unread books
  • Tulips
  • Finding the pair of boots I thought I'd lost (Turns out, they were under a box in my closet)
  • Painting
  • Christmas -- even a heathen like me loves Christmas. Mostly because my family gets together. And there are presents.
  • Growing my hair long
  • New nail polish
  • Pretty earrings
  • Lip gloss -- you can never have too much lip gloss
  • The sound of rain against the windows
  • The feel of freshly laundered towels
  • New sheets
  • My new handpainted, butterfly canister set. (Plus, found them on sale. Go me.)
  • The scent of fresh brewed coffee
  • Hot tea after a long day at work
  • Unexpected e-mail -- that's not spam
  • Discovering cds I'd forgotten I had and listening to songs I'd forgotten I loved
  • Dancing around the living room in the dark
  • Sleeping late on Sunday mornings (my own way of worship)
  • Knowing no matter how badly I mess up, I can always go home again
  • The fact I've got my first novel half finished. I mean, that means I'm almost done, right?
  • Temporary tattoos
  • Lunch with friends
  • Tin Roof ice cream
  • Fresh apples

    Okay, that'll do for now. The point is, there's always something that can make me smile, if I just stop and think about it. And I always remember that at this time of year and I always have that to look forward to when things get rough the rest of the time.

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  • posted by Zan at 9:50 AM

    3 Comments:

    Re: Kady: "Almost" is nice, possibly just right.

    That's some list, and longer than I anticipated. My favorite item is unread books. My stack of rescued free books is like a looming chore. I'll have to check out less books if I want to actually read the ones I own.

    Why is cooler weather better for you? Cold usually aggravates. I am thinking of the maladies where people can feel, in their bones, the approach of cold weather.

    4:58 PM  

    Yes, almost is perfect :) Makes me wanna be a great aunt, but not a Mommy :) I'm so buying that kid a drum kit for Christmas :) Mwhahaha ;)

    And we don't really know why the cold makes me feel better. Well, we can figure out why it makes the pain subside, but it does more than that for me. I actively feel better, it's kinda like I've got a little high going on. The pain stops because I'm incredible sun-sensitive. Lots of people with Lupus are, but most of them aren't to the degree I am. I can't spend more than maybe 10 minutes in the sunlight or I'm just exhuasted and can't function.

    Mostly, I have a very strange body. None of the diseases I've got respond the way most people do. I have symptoms and reactions that, while not unheard of, are just very rare. Like, I have something like reverse seasonal depression. When most people start to get depressed because the days are getting shorter, I'm started to get happy and relaxed and as undepressed as I can be. My doctors just think I'm strange ;)

    And I can feel a high pressure system starting to approach, so I always know when it's going to rain before anyone else does ;)

    5:27 PM  

    Ooh, raindar!

    Your body's not strange, she's unique! I'm going to take my own encouragement the next time I feel weird. One ~M~ can't be wrong. NO! Everyone else must be wrong.

    Seasonal positiveness sounds like it can be very aggravating to jerks. Well done, mastermind. I love cold weather. I can feel down if it's gray because I feel like I have less time during an evening. But I can walk a lot faster, which makes me feel I'm getting away with something, and the good mood makes me walk faster. (This is usually on the way home.)

    6:43 PM  

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